Small Enjoyments

Hello. This is what I live for - the little things in life. We have no money for anything more than that. Work and more money seems like something that happens to other people on another planet. Holidays - ha... Things people take for granted. These are more than I can stand to dream of. "Have you had your holiday yet..?" F*** off! Sorry, but f*** off... In this life of mine I take enjoyment from within my means. Music. TV / Films. Games. My cats. A little social media interaction... etc. Of course, my darling wife. My grown up kids. I am rich enough, surely? As rich as I can be. Making the most of what little we have got. I honestly think I would have the same mental and emotional problems if I had money. All the money would allow me to do would be to hide from them / bury them deeper - distract me better. Life is inherently unfair. We must do our best - or as much as we are able to do. This doesn't stop envy - of course, it is natural to be jealous of those who have more and especially those who take it for granted. It is also natural to be frustrated and angry at those in power who clearly have no clue what life is like for those they rule over. Decisions made on high, looking good, making sense on paper, in theory... putting these into practice will hurt people. May kill people. How many is justifiable to still make their ideas seem like good ones to them? Do they even care..? Yes, but not in the way they should care. they have no clue. I rage. I quietly rage; I simmer like an eternal bubbling pan of water which is hot enough to simmer gently but doesn't have the heat energy to boil properly. If I did... well, I might feel a bit better, but I know it still wouldn't get me anywhere... so what the hell is the point of that then?

Steering my life is like sailing with no sail. The wind blows all around me. The waves lap up onto me. The sunlight pours down over me, warming me, but not heating me. I take solace in the stillness of the Winter. The bitter cold, combined with suitably dark but beautiful music, can warm my soul greater than a hot August afternoon - why is this? How do I find comfort in darkness, stillness and the cold? Because everyone else despises it? Must be more than that - perhaps it's that in this false world it is more real. No shiny veneer, no sickening pretense and gloss. There is probably a lot of truth in that explanation.

With nothing to look forward to but the small enjoyments, they become ever so important. Just some thoughts.

Missing my voluntary work

I really miss my voluntary work at the MS Centre. It's really starting to hit home now after a few months away from it. It just ended so abruptly and was such an ugly ending, belying (betraying?) all the fantastic work, help and achievements of over seven years there... Such a shame... :-(

I am still very angry with the manager and with myself, but I should not be angry with myself. I should forgive myself. I chose the course of action, chose to take the stand I took which was instrumental in my departure, with a clear head and because I believed it was the right thing to do.

The manager was at fault. I was doing everything right and to the best of my capabilities. How dare he suspend me? How dare he force me out from doing something I loved and had invested so much of myself in? He is a Grade A arsehole that much is clear. Not just because of how he treated me but many others too whom he forced out. He is a tyrant and a megalomaniac. And how he treats the clients who use the place is disgraceful too.

The writing was on the wall for quite some time with me... For at least 2 years in fact had I entertained thoughts that I may not do it for much longer. So there was, I have to remember, that to consider when I look back in sadness when really missing the place... If the current manager left, I would go back. Or would I? Maybe that chapter of my life should just be allowed to close now. Particularly as they hired someone to fill the role I used to have! Many times I asked for a paid job there, every time I was turned down.

I am very bitter about that. I would like to just scream and punch... So when all is said and done... Yeah, I did good whilst there, I helped those in need and made a positive difference in their lives, and I should feel happy and proud of that. I need to forgive myself over feeling angry about quitting. I am a good person capable of doing very nice things.  :-)

Excerpts from a Facebook Conversation on Vegetarianism

It was two years ago today that I posted this message in response to an actual happening...

Rod Maughan

24 September 2013 at 11:33 · 

We just had a bloke knock at the door who is going to be selling fish in the area from his van - Mandy told him politely no thanks, we're vegetarians, and she was informed - 'oh but lots of vegetarians eat fish'. No, they do not. People who eat fish but no other meat are not vegetarians, they are pescetarians. Meat is meat, whether it's from a cow, chicken, fish, mussel or beetle.

A couple of polite replies and enquiries ensued, which were answered with equal politeness and patience... But then we get this chap from America, who will remain anonymous:

So rather than eat meat based products which by the way are from animals that use up oxygen lets all eat vegetables that actually make the oxygen and also while we are at it lets starve the other herbivores on earth. Because we need the plants to produce the oxygen we breathe first off and second mankind is an omnivore meaning we were made to eat meat and or produce . But then we all choose our own lifestyles and have that right.

(I have corrected all his spelling and grammar mistakes by the way. I could've left them to underline things, but I'm a perfectionist and they were bugging the hell out of me!)

My reply:

Rod Maughan First of all I'm not in the business of trying to convert anyone, so don't go on the defensive. Vegetarianism is something I believe in almost spiritually and have done all my life, as have my family, but I try my best to respect others.

And secondly, oh my goodness, your argument is really wrong. Eating animals is eating 3rd generation energy and is much less efficient way of obtaining nutrients and energy. The vast bulk of oxygen producing plants are: 1st, blue-green algae blooms in the oceans, 2nd, the Taigar forest which stretches almost all the way round the far northern hemisphere, and 3rd the rain forests. These are not being consumed on any meaningful scale by vegetarians or any other animal, you will not be deprived of your oxygen by us.

The rain forests are however being torn down at an alarming rate to make way for growing food to raise cattle for beef. It takes 10 times as much fresh water to produce the same quantity of meat as vegetable matter. All these farm animals are producing more than a 5th of the world's CO2 emissions, more than cars and helping us along our way gradually to man made climate change.

As for omnivores... well that's a transitional stage. We started out as herbivores, hence the really long digestive tract, appendix and molar teeth and then gradually began evolving into carnivores. But now we have this huge population problem and massive shortages in fresh water, and the scientific know-how and ethical responsibility towards the future that there is no reason for us to eat meat any more. Other than the fact that people enjoy it. That's nice. "We have that right." How selfish. Sorry future. 

Some scientists have suggested that the world will have to turn vegetarian in the next 50 years or we will begin to starve to death - there will not be enough fresh water to grow the vast quantities of food to feed the animals any more, we will require it for ourselves. Those that is produced will cost so much that only the elite will be able to afford it. We are taking far more from this Earth than can be sustained, it will not last forever.

Have you seen a world population growth chart? It is mind-boggling. If it carries on at the same rate then at some point in the next 100 years there could be more people alive on the planet than have ever been born in the whole of history. Any way, for those reasons, and other more ethical spiritual reasons, I am vegetarian. It is not much for one person to do, a drop in the ocean, but it is something that I can actually do (along with not owning a car) and it gives me peace of mind and is so very important to me.

But each to their own.

But he did not reply to that. Obviously the double whammy of both evolution and climate change must have scared him away. As he was American and I gather possibly from the Bible Belt area...

I will now add the rest of what I said, just to finish making my case for vegetarianism, after other people had polite follow-up questions:

Rod Maughan No, eggs aren't meat - people classify them in with dairy produce, though they're not technically that either. Vegans do not eat them, but vegetarians do. The Vegetarian Society has lots of information on everything I've talked about and more, nutrition, etc. https://www.vegsoc.org if you are interested in finding out more. I agree with you about all the food that is thrown away, just terrible - I'm sure there's enough there to feed the world's starving nations, or at least all our homeless people on the streets. I can supply you with some links if you like, or look it up yourself - key words like environmental vegetarianism, world food or water shortage, etc, should bring up numerous interesting articles. I don't really consider myself an expert, but it is something that means a lot to me and so I take an active interest in it.

@Jasun (Maughan, my son): Thanks, but steady on there, no need to be insulting people for having different opinions. You remind me of me when I was your age! I suppose the spirituality side of it stems from my own personal pagan-based beliefs which I know we haven't really discussed at length. The way I see it, if it's a matter of survival one would do what one must to live. But in this day and age we have plenty and so do not need to resort to the type of cruelty we inflict upon factory farmed animals raised as food - spiritually I feel that if I was a part of that process which caused so much pain and suffering to other sentient life then it would be like a stain on my soul. I feel an affinity with all living things (except spiders... and crane flies!) especially those sentient enough to feel fear and pain. Why cause so much suffering when it is not really necessary? But this is just my own personal viewpoint/ belief which I have developed over a life time, it works for me and I'm sticking with it. I do not assume it is the correct way to live for all, as we are all different, and I do my very best not to be judgmental of others whose beliefs differ wildly smile emoticon

And so all of that is why I am and always will be a vegetarian.

Bye for now -

Stuck!

Stuck fast
Hoping it won't last
But stuck in the past
What a contrast!

Seems the more of me that time does uncover
Like an iceberg, there is more underneath
Feeling like there's me and also another...
What a complex tapestry all our lives weave

Feeling separate from the me of my mind
The multiples of of egos struggle for control
Some want what I once was, others to leave it all behind
But this constant mental turmoil really takes a toll

I'm stuck
Glued to my me
Whatever that may be
And not very happily

Seems the more I try and try to really understand
The harder it becomes for me to even point a finger
Can I identify the Nothing, can I make that demand?
Or will this uncertainty my whole life linger?

Dreaming dreams of wants and possibilities
There's parts of me that see no barriers at all
But other parts throw up walls and difficulties
I keep getting older and only know how to stall

Ever stuck
Stuck forever
Once so clever
Free me never

Rod Maughan, 23rd Sept 2015

:(

All Being Well...

A little poem of hope I wrote as part of a creative writing group I was briefly in, in 2009.

All being well... I’ll solve this thing,

I’ll break the mold, I’ll overcome...

Still too soon to tell anything...

Thoughts that form from the Chaos within

All being well... It waits for me,

It’s inside somewhere, my dearest dream...

My darkest Hell fades steadily...

No more the night; it fades into light...

All being well... Things will be great,

Rigidity of fear melts like ice...

Something to sell besides my hate,

Flows from me to touch the world

All being well... That is to say,

If this all works out; if I can rise up -

Emerge from the shell, even today!

Standing proud, no shadow cast...

All being well... (Yes, all being well...)

Rod Maughan, July 2009

Tar of my Soul

Hello there. Nothing comes along and overwhelms me. What does that mean? I'm not saying that there's nothing that can overwhelm me, that's for sure. The Nothing is an entity that dwells inside me - it is my depression, it is my dark side, it is my lazy side, my hateful, self loathing side... my anti-me. It always gets a surprise attack on me, even if I suspect it is lurking, waiting to strike. Doesn't so much strike as roll over me like a D&D Black Pudding monster - but more psionic; a tar of the soul.

Nothing has been there, in me, probably as far back as my childhood. Certainly my teenage years. It is the voice that tells me 'no, don't do that, there's something better - do this instead!' and then promptly sucks out of all enthusiasm, leaving me high and dry with umpteen unfinished projects - ideas started and never brought to fruition. It often strikes when I am alone, and most vulnerable. It can take a day of potential action and activity and transform it in a blink into a day of... well, nothing.

If I am doing this to myself (which clearly I am!!), then why? This is something I am hoping to get to the bottom of in my new counselling sessions. The counselor seems up for it, and so we will see where it leads us. Inevitably, as already touched upon in session one, it's looking like a lot of reflection on childhood and teen years. If I can identify whatever it was that gave rise to this great Nothing then I can try and overcome it at last.

There's a lot of suppressed rage and anger in me. Despite all my talk of wearing my heart on my sleeve and being open and honest about everything, communicating my feelings... there are some pretty intense things I have never been able to deal with and that gnaw at my subconscious. That little 'something' I have never properly been able to put my finger on. I think when I played my guitar in the past, that helped to release the aggression. But nowadays my creativity has taken a fall and it's again the Nothing - self doubt, lack of will, cannot play like I used to play, cannot be bothered with it any more... What a shame.

And then I think about the other f***ed up thing in my mind, the kind of twisted opposite of the Nothing whom I do not have a name for but refer to as my Superiority Complex. Which ties in to the OCD-ness of me, the perfectionist. Okay, so I'm a little bit clever - certainly not Brains of Britain, by a long way - but still I have a good, sharp mind (when the Nothing isn't dulling it) I have a degree. I am interested in complicated things. And so clearly I have ideas and opinions about lots of things in life, how things ought to be, what sort of things I take for granted that other people should all know and also abide by. Control freak? Well yeah, probably a bit. And as I have got older and wearier of this crap in my life, and the world in general, I find I have a lot less tolerance of other people and their shortcomings and 'bad' behaviour.

Is the schism in my soul a running conflict between the Nothing and Mr Superior? (There, I've named the other one now! He sounds like a super-hero... he wishes!) Do they compliment each other? To what extent is it one or the other? Is Mr S my Ego, or Super Ego and N my Id? Getting Freudian there, as one surely does with this sort of situation! According to Freud the Id is all base desires and naked, bare-faced wants without any thought of consequence. The Super Ego is like the Higher Mind that tries to bring the Id into line and impose reason and rationale onto it. It bargains with with the Id. The Ego is the Self - me, Rod - in the middle between the childish impulses of the Id and the Grandparent's wisdom of the Super Ego. The Ego tries to hold them in balance - is supposed to be like a negotiator. Is my Ego broken? Or just doesn't want any part in it..? "Abandon ship!"

There's a lot of psychological theories that could be applied. Do they help though? Whether yes or no, they are very interesting to apply to my situation. Well, more some other time... I have things to (try) and do.

Bis später, tschüß!

Spelling, Grammar and Social Media

First posted on Facebook by me, 9th Sept 2012. Apologies for the uncool, un-thought-out title!

Am I out of place, or sticking out like a sore thumb 'cos I like to spell correctly, use good grammar and a few longish words now and then..? Is bad spelling and grammar the etiquette in social networking sites nowadays?

I read an interesting article recently on the BBC website about how in other countries social sites are redefining the rules of their language. for example, French 'tu' or German 'du' are used in preference to 'vous' and 'Sie' which would be the norm in spoken or written language... up till now, at least. I think this is a shame, it is a loss of something important - respect. When I go into a shop, or the bank, I do not want to be addressed by my first name, or told to 'have a nice day' or any other falsity like that. I am not friends with the person, it is a service, and whilst friendly banter is perfectly okay and appreciated, false chumminess is a tad sickening.

The same thing applies as far as I am concerned with spelling, grammar and mutual respect for someone on Facebook. I am not a spelling / grammar Nazi as some of you probably suspect and I am not snobby or looking down on others - yes, I'm educated, but I don't think that enters into it. I only expect others to carry themselves in a social environment the same way I carry myself. I am in public on FB or other social media - well, my posts are, at least... so they reflect that fact. Many years ago these things would've been seen as a huge plus and gone in my favour, but nowadays they seem to be a bit of a set back to tell the truth. It brings to mind the 2006 film Idiocracy actually, which is pretty funny but makes a good point. Is it really getting to be like that; it's not cool to be clever, thoughtful, reflecting, polite or respectful of others any more..? At least it appears that way from what I see on FB and in Forums at times, on the news and in the world in general... Be intelligent and be into interesting or complex things and you're labelled boffin, nerd or geek. Or worse still, some sort of anal Nazi. Be thick as a brick, smoke pot and swear a lot and you're 'so kewl' (Gods, I can't believe I typed it that way!!)

Or maybe I'm just getting old and grumpy! Okay, rant over... :)

The History of Earth Condensed into 24 Hours

What if the history of Planet Earth was condensed into just 24 hours..?

by Rod Maughan, August 2009

Formation

00:00:01 (one second past midnight) - 4.6 billion years ago the Earth was born

04:10 - in the early hours of the morning the first primitive, single-celled life forms arose in the oceans

13:02 - about lunch time, more complex multi-celled life evolved in the oceans, still mostly microscopic

Water-World 

17:44 - at about dinner time the first larger, actual animals (but with no bones) arrived in the oceans - mainly these were jellyfish and worm-like creatures

21:03 - later into the evening came the first primitive fish, the first animals with bones

Move on to Land 

21:33 - the first life on the land was plants, mainly ferns and mosses

21:46 - the first land animals arose - these were amphibian-like creatures who had to return to the sea to lay their eggs

22:07 - the first great forests began covering the Earth and early reptiles (including the ancestors of crocodiles and alligators) arrived

Dinosaurs!

22:46 - the great age of the dinosaurs began

22:49 - the very earliest mammals (our ancestors) evolved - these were rodent-like creatures, who still had a bit of the look of reptiles about them

23:14 - the first birds - getting quite late in the day now, isn't it? What about us humans? Well, there's still loads to go before we arrive on the scene...

23:20 - the dinosaurs died out (except they didn't, they evolved into birds!!)

Age of Mammals 

23:42 - the age of the mammals, including the really huge varieties, plus flowering plants first evolved

23:49 - the Alps and the Himalayan Mountains began to rise up as continental plates crashed into each other, and the world was starting to take on the shape that we know today

23:52 - many modern animals such as owls, ducks, wolves, whales, deer and camels came into being, as well as many types of monkeys (very important for us!)

Early Mankind

23:57 - the earliest human-ape-like ancestor evolve

23:58 - homo-sapiens (modern humans) evolve, but there are two distinct 'human races' at this time - neanderthals and homo-sapiens

23:59 - one minute to midnight - neanderthals become extinct and the modern human race moves out of Africa to populate other areas, and has to cope with ice ages, sabre toothed cats and woolly mammoths, etc...

Civilization! 

23:59:09 - 51 seconds to midnight (ie, present time) - the first great civilsations appeared, ancient Egypt, ancient China, etc...

23:59:44 - at just 16 seconds to midnight, Christ was born, and the Roman Empire was in control of much of the Western world

23:59:52 - 8 seconds to midnight - America is discovered, the Renaissance is happening across Europe, the beginnings of modern thinking

Industrial Revolution & Modern Times 

23:59:56 - 4 seconds to midnight - the Industrial Revolution takes place

23:59:59 - at 1 second to midnight it is the 1960s and Man walks on the Moon

00:00:00 - 2009 - present time - everything from the past 40 years occurred in less than 1 second of time - I don't know about you, but all that makes me feel rather insignificant!

Ye Olde Depression Bored

If you'll indulge me, a selection of old posts here from my old MSN Groups site, Rodj71Online - these are all about my depression, that's why they were on the 'Depression Bored'. These do not seem like I wrote them 7 or 8 years ago. Crazy. I'm not 'better' yet.

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From: Rodj71  (Original Message) Sent: 09/05/2007 18:15

No, I haven't suffered a lapse in my ability to spell, it's a play on words  This new message board is meant for me to have a right old moan about everything that's wrong in my life, in my head and in the world in general. Maybe it might be therapeutic. Maybe it might be inspirational or something... I doubt it though. Got fed up with writing the ocassional blog on theirspace.com - no-one reads it any way... and as that's the case, my thoughts may as well go on this site which I visit much more often, being the site manager and all... (being the only contributing member too!) Oh well, I will sod off now to make dinner - auf wiedersehen, meine leute!

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From: Rodj71  (Original Message) Sent: 15/06/2007 11:22

 Greetings reader. Frustration rages inside me this morning, I feel I need to scream, but that's not the done thing, is it? Frustration at what..? At the world, at people, at my situation I'm 'stuck' in - I thought I was getting un-stuck - hmm, maybe not - but mainly it's well and truly aimed at myself. I want to rip my mind apart so the light that is my soul can find a crack to escape through and I can express my true self, something I can never seem to do. Yesterday evening I had a confrontation with our noisey neighbours and just said a little too much, and regretted it - I am not a 'people person' - the lines of my old song, I wrote way back in '94 or '95 'Unwanted Neighbour' keep on going through my mind on a regular basis, more and more these days - "My hatred of you is so intense... I don't just wish you were dead... I wish that you were never born... that's my hatred; it's so intense!!" - that was a heavy song, I wrote a lot of good, heavy songs! I wish I could do something with my songs. I had talent once. Now I'm ammounting to nothing, just as Mr Bromage at school said I would when I quit the 6th Form and he wrote me that crappy reference to North Herts College... Oh boy, did he have my number right! Any therapist would tell me that's faulty thinking, and that I can break the mould and change my fate, etc - heck, I always tell myself that too, that's sometimes what keeps me plodding onwards through life. But I cannot go and grab it, I cannot just go carpe diem, baby - it's beyond me. I wait for it to come to me. And it isn't coming, I know that by now - so what??? What becomes of me..? Jealous of the world for having a life, pissed off with all because they're better at socialising than me, they have friends and I don't, but at the same time looking down on them like some God with an ego the size of Everest, thinking I'm better than them, when really it's the other way around... What the heck do I do? What am I supposed to do with this life? How do I live? All I know is that once I had so much potential, but now I feel like a spent force... but I haven't done anything to expend me...

Okay - yes I have done things with my life - there's my wonderful marriage to Mandy and my 3 children, whom I love so much. That's an accomplishment, that's an achievement - many people don't have that. So I'm lucky. I have things that I dreamed of having when I was in my teens, a happy marriage to a woman who loves me and great kids who love me. But I need to do some actual 'things' with my life, like have a career, or get those novels finished off, or get back to my music, etc, etc, etc... But my spark, my creative spark - where's it gone. Can't seem to access it. When I do, it sputters, it isn't easy, nothing comes as easy as it used to. So I give up - that's easy enough, n'est pas? Is it all about control? Is the only thing which I have complete control over in my life the ability to not do stuff, and to give up? Ha - I'm sadder than I first thought!!! Am I hung-up in some pre-concrete operations stage, Piaget? Or maybe I got lost in that ever-so-well-explained latent stage, Herr Freud?! Listen to me, I'm now blaming dead psychologists. I liked being a student. Would I be able to do that again..? Do I have it in me..? 

Sometimes I think I'm okay, I'm 'on the up', getting better, then stuff happens like the thing with the neighbours last night, and it sends me spiralling downwards out of control till I crash into the Sea of Self Loathing once again, and I'm tossed against the rocks that represent the f**ked-up debris in my mind that were once healthy, cognitive apparatus but now resemble a blackened, twisted wreckage of some kind, and finally wash up on Depression Beach once again!! My word, that's dark! Tea and scones spiked with confidence, anyone?

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From: Rodj71  (Original Message) Sent: 27/09/2007 09:47

Today I have a million and one things rattling round in my head - all things I feel that I urgently need to, or want to, be doing with my day. Trouble is I only have a few hours to get it all done in, and I take so long doing these things, and furthermore I get so damn easily distracted all the time, by any little thing... Heck, even writing this is a distraction!! And don't get me started on the Internet - I love it, but it's such a distraction! I want to write to Angie, write to Torsten, study/revise/learn/practice my German, write more of the current D&D game we started over the Summer (haven't touched that for weeks), continue getting more of the old Adv. Monthly magazine put onto my AM website (I made such a good start on that the other week), play a little of my Harvest Moon game, go out for a walk (it's nice and Sunny, and I suspect it's warmer out there than it is in this house!!), and perhaps watch some TV with Mandy... But I can't do all of that. There's not enough time in the day (before the kids get home from school and my free-time ends) As usual I will get two or three of those things done. One will definitely be my German work, as it is important to me (though verb endings are a bloody headache!) Another will probably be an e-mail-letter to Angie - sorry Torsten, if you're reading this, you will have top priority tomorrow!

Moan, moan, bloody moan!!!

Rod

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From: Rodj71  (Original Message) Sent: 01/05/2008 11:14

Not good at all. Life at the moment. Again feeling like a small island lost in a massive ocean. Feelings of powerlessness. fear for my wife and her mental state. Fear for my daughter and her future if she is unable to 'pull her socks up'... but I don't think she can, those socks aren't really there. Perhaps we conveniently placed them on her in our imagination so there was that thing called hope. I feel betrayed by omnipresent individualism - society, my enemy... now I am worse than you? How did that happen? Society, I once wrote, is a contradiction - and I mean't that because it was full of individuals... but now I see it from the other way round - indivuality is a flippin' contradiction because of society... oh I dunno what I'm saying anymore. I'm so low I can taste the nickel and iron... What the f**k... basically...

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From: Rodj71  (Original Message) Sent: 28/08/2008 12:05

I'm feeling so down today. Life seems pointless. I cannot get motivated to do anything, except sit around... Tammy the cat is reflecting this right back at me it seems - she's wandering round like a lost lamb, not sure what to do with herself... I feel the same way. Loads of things need doing, loads of things I could be doing... but the lack of motivation is too strong. I need more structure in my life, and a sort of timetable that I should create and stick to... But for now... (sigh!) I better try and make myself do something, even if it's just a computer game or watching TV, or else I'm going to fall asleep or something...

Rod

Holdays

(Written July 2009)

When I think of the word Holiday, many things come to mind. Certainly I am reminded of my younger days when time seemed to last longer... and music also comes to mind in a big way. The Madonna song ‘Holiday’ is there foremost, which is very apt I suppose... other songs include ‘Paradise City’ by Guns ‘n Roses and ‘Summer Nights’ by Van Halen (not the one from the Grease soundtrack!) - these songs evoke strong feelings of Summer in me...

When I think of Holiday, I think of summer, like most people do, I expect.

The school summer holidays - six weeks which back then seemed like six months... I think of ice cream vans, wearing nothing but shorts and getting a tan. I remember riding my bike in the hot weather as a kid, and I remember the paddling pool we used to have, in which my sister and I had lots of fun in the hot weather. Going to the park with my family and playing football and tennis, and having picnics...

In more recent times when I think of Summer I think of long hot days, light evenings, early mornings, the lawn dying in the heat-wave and my relief at not having to cut it for a while! Our poor pet rabbit killed by the heat in 2003, on the hottest day since records began. Poor little thing. I think of my discomfort in the sticky heat, and being unable to sleep at night... Ants and bees, butterflies and wasps... and flowers in bloom. Hayfever. Oh dear...

But perhaps oddly, when I think of the word Holiday, I do not think of taking a holiday, ie, going away somewhere. Perhaps this is because one could count the number of such holidays I have had in my entire life on just the one hand. I have had two holidays as a boy, and three as an adult, the last one being about six years ago now. It is not something I have done much in my life, so it is not something I automatically think of. It is something that other people do. A holiday to me is a bit of a luxury, and I have never been able to afford luxuries...

Yes, I readily admit it, a holiday is a sore point with me. It is something that everyone else seems to have in common; an ice-breaker, as such, which can be talked about at length. Holiday talk always makes me feel left out, or lacking in some way. Less of a person. Holiday talk makes me frustrated and annoyed, eventually it makes me depressed.

That is not to say that I do not want a proper holiday. I want to go to the countryside, as sea-sides and beaches are not my thing. I want to see the Lake District, or go back to Northumberland where my Dad comes from, or look up distant relatives in Northern Ireland. I would love to go to Germany and practise my language skills there, and meet my pen-pals. I would love to see so many different places in the world, special, significant, historical places...

Most of all, from a holiday, I would want what everyone else wants - a break from the norm. Just to get far away from everything in my normal life and routine...

But it is all beyond me at this time in my life, and so it makes me sad to think about...

Holiday... maybe one day...

It is done, I am done...

Grüße Alles. (Who's Alice?) Yes it is indeed done. I decided to go with what I felt inside and quit volunteering at the MS Centre after 7 and a bit years. I think 7 years is a good amount of time to give to a place, and over the years I have given a lot, and got a lot back in return. It bothers me a little that perhaps I've caved in and taken the path of least resistance - the easier option. But, well, it's not really the easier option because as I said previously, I now MUST get myself more voluntary work. It's not optional as far as I am concerned. I need it to keep me at least a little busy at times - I need the commitment, the routine and the sense of doing something worthwhile and helpful to others. To get me out of the house, a little time doing something that's just for me (ie, without my Mandy) and to expand and continue growing as a person. When you stop doing things, you stop growing - if you're not growing, your mind turns in on itself (I already feel that happening) - for the past 2 or 3 years at the MS Centre I wasn't doing as much as I used to do there, so that's the effect of that.

I feel I must proceed with a little caution though; I do not wish to be taking on too much, or be put into a position of authority again (not without levels of support in place) - I cannot entirely trust myself that I will not start to believe that I know best and possibly even quietly / subtly rebel against authority. And then it all falls apart. What's wrong with me?

UNFINISHED FROM LATE JULY 2015 BUT PUBLISHED COS I CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO FINISH IT!

Coffee Snob

Coffee Snob

Here I am, the Coffee Snob

Whether with a Rich Tea or a Hobnob

Carrot cake is made so much more rewarding

With a coffee that needs more affording

Weak and white and milky and pale

Might as well dunk in a biscuit so stale

For coffee should taste like coffee should taste

Otherwise it’s a God awful waste

Rich and fruity or strong and biting

Flavour is important, that’s what I’m writing

Caffeine firing my senses to function

See me through the morning till I take luncheon

So take away your weak milky brew

Bring my own coffee, that’s what I’ll do

I need a hot drink that will embellish my brain

Anything less should go down the drain!

Rod Maughan

3^rd Sept 2015

On finding a new comfort zone...

Hello. Wish I wouldn't feel as though I have dug a big hole and plonked myself down into it with no ladder or rope. That's the consensus in Rod's Brain™ these days. I'm almost 2 weeks into my apparent 'Garden Leave' / suspension and I am missing the place and missing the routine. But like Tom Petty, I won't back down, and I have started looking for other voluntary work. It will not be the same and will take some getting used to... that's if I even get as far as applying.

The way I see it there are now 3 options for me carrying on at the MS Centre:

1) They Who Must Not Be Named leaves and a new manager is appointed - my best possible scenario but the one least likely to happen

2) Rod Swallows Pride and Betrays What He Believes in - already said, I won't back down. No way am I going to go and sit in that office and take everything back, or even argue my point against a brick wall - that would get ugly and not solve anything, if I did back down it would just go back to how it was before

3) Manager Apologises To Me, Makes Changes - unlikely this will happen but I feel I am in fact owed an apology, putting aside the fact that I was right, but a bold-faced lie has been told to others about me (that I am taking a month off due to stress / ill health) and that really flippin' irks me!!

Okay, I lied... there's a:

4) I just go in on Saturdays only, avoiding management but obviously only helping the few who come in on a Saturday and not seeing my Tuesday / Wednesday folk any more... but well...

I feel like maybe I need a clean break with the place. Short of maybe, after enough time has passed, perhaps going in to just chat with people on a friendship basis (surely that would be permitted, if I have the guts to go there...) It may well be, as a dear old friend said recently, that the universe is giving me a clear sign that now it's time to move on to pastures new and hopefully greener.

I still would like to help people, but there are many other opportunities to do so differently. I have looked at primarily caring and befriending - blind people, HIV/AIDS people, the elderly and physically handicapped people, the Samaritans and just a befriender for the lonely. I will be thinking about it a lot over the next week or two. I feel I have a lot to give, and I hope it will be a two-way process like it's been with the MS Centre (from members and volunteers, not management) - I want to get friendship back too and feel worthy and that I am making a difference to people who need help. I also would like to expand my horizons, and of course that is best achieved by meeting new and different people and trying new and different things.

But it also requires discarding a comfort zone that I have grown and nurtured myself in for the past 7 and a bit years now. Like a snake shedding it's skin so that it can grow... yeah, I feel it must be done. We shall see if I have the strength and guts to do it - the option of just doing nothing is not desirable at all. As I said, I miss doing something at least a few hours a week.

Perhaps things will be clearer when next I blog in your general direction.

Tschüß!!

"We're volunteers, they can't sack us..."

Hi. This is a premise which I and a couple of other volunteers routinely joke about. Can't give us a wage cut, can't sack us, we're doing it for free... But I have just been suspended for a month. Perhaps I pushed a little too hard - well, there's no 'perhaps' about it. I obviously pushed my luck, called a bluff, got under someone's skin. Sadly in doing so I exposed something of a weakness which was soon latched onto and exploited. So apparently I'm having a break because of my mental state, to give myself a 'well-earned rest'. I have one thing to say about that to the person in question and that thing is Fuck You you pathetic little person!

The ugly truth is, I am seen as a loose cannon, someone to be quietened for fear of what I might say and who to say it to. I was formerly in a position of authority, yeah even as a volunteer, and I stepped down from that position because things were not being run correctly and I could not in good conscience abide that on my watch. But even before I did step down it seems my little bit of authority had been whisked out from under me any way - new revelations at the start of the heated email exchange ending in my dismissal show that the head honcho does not agree with the old protocols I had been taught and that I had been passing on to others in training.

You'll note I am being careful not to name names and places and stuff, which is a bit challenging as I've had a few Bacardi & cokes tonight to settle me down a bit (not just 'cos of what I am writing about, but also next door had a loud rowdy gathering that's gone on till just after midnight!) Actually it's quite late I just noticed.

So... what's to do, what's to be done? A couple of things are tempting - it would be interesting to just turn up and see what happens. I would not necessarily need to try and turn up and run my sessions, I could come along in a friendship capacity, since I am friends with many at the place. And I haven't exactly been 'banned' - though it would be interesting to see if my turning up would instigate such an end result. The other thing that's tempting is to just say "Screw this for a game of dominoes!" and just part ways with the place. this would make me very sad, I have volunteered there for over 7 years however there are other volunteering opportunities out there, and I can keep in touch with at least some of the people I've got to know... So that eventuality would draw a line nicely under something that has got damn messy. And besides, after a month passes, I am going to feel exactly the same way. I know I am.

This is because it is not Rod's fragile mental state at play here. It is the culmination of stuff that's built up over a long time. Unfortunately this week was the worst time it could have come to a head since I have been on my own most of the week and had other things on my mind. I shouldn't have said that though to what's-their-name, stupid thing to say. I should have kept it matter of fact and not resisted going to see him, her, they, it or squiggle. (Squiggle represents the concept of an alien entity of some type...)

They think I am suddenly acting out of character. They don't know me. They don't know how many ups and downs I have had whilst volunteering there over the years, and believe me I have had worse downs than this and kept coming in / didn't require a month's rest. No - it is convenience.

The worst thing is that I feel like I am letting the people I go there to help down. It feels like a failure on my part, even if half of me does just want to quit and not look back.

All I can think and hope for the moment is that I do try and believe in Karma - what goes around eventually comes around. Let's hope sooner than later that squiggle gets well and truly squoggled (hard and against a wall!)

Gute Nacht!

A very funny thing going on in my life...

Hello. Yes, there is a very funny thing going on in my life at the moment. Most peculiar. It is of course me. What the devil am I playing at? I once wrote this line in a little self examining piece I penned:

How can I feel superior whilst languishing in the sub-gutter of my broken dreams?

Gosh that's pretty dark and grim. A bit like the not quite so good:

I'm so far down that I'm past the blues, it's all pitch black...

But that's cheery compared to the harrowing:

I no longer trust myself with my own future...

Well, the quotes go on and on as you might well imagine. And one would rightly assume that I have issues, I have baggage, I have a love/hate relationship with myself. I know we all probably do to an extent. But yes, I am responsible now for putting myself into a position from which there are only a couple of easy exits and neither are appealing to me.

If I go one way then I have to give up something I love doing, have loved doing for 7+ years now. It has become a part of my life and I am saddened at the thought it could be coming to an end. Not wholly by my own doing, I might add, but I haven't towed the line, I've been rebellious Rod, fighting my little corner, stubborn as a mule.

If I go the other way then I tow the line - I keep doing what I've been doing but at a cost: a compromise which goes against my better judgement and what I believe in. So I feel like I'm in a lose-lose right at this moment.

Yeah, there's probably a couple of other possible ways it could go, but they are less easy - they involve a complexity I am less than willing to embrace at the moment. And can't be bothered.

And I go back to the 'not trusting myself...' malarkey. Another fine mess I have got me into. This is a pattern that has repeated throughout my life and I do not know how to break it.

On the surface I am a well spoken, well mannered, well educated, good humoured and caring individual who is easy to talk to, has empathy, and cares deeply about other people and the world. But to what extent is that truly who I am? Is that a facade, a mask I wear? I would like to think not.

Sooner or later it comes down and what's underneath is an ugly mass of self neglect, self hatred, regret, jealousy and bitterness. And of course Mr Nothing. Gods you don't want to look at Him, don't let him any where near you or he will suck out your soul and bake a pie with it, or something.

I know, I know... I'm just a regular human being... being what..? Stupid again. Ha, back to quoting myself again.

the fact is throughout my life I have had opportunities I have passed up and continually started things I could not finish, and plastered myself into these corners where I cannot move and just end up crumbling. My teachers were dead right about me when I quit the 6th Form at school aged 17 - I have no staying power, I lack... something. What is that thing? I lack... what?? Perseverance, commitment...

But I dunno about that. I helped raise 3 children in a family, I have remained committed to a great relationship with my wife all these years. So it's not true of everything.

I can only put it down, once again to that intangible thing that has a tight grip on my soul, that which I call The Nothing. I fear I may have passed it on to at least one of my children, to some extent - I can only pray that eventually genetics will breed it out of the lineage... But maybe not.

It is like a heaviness throughout my whole body. It is like a thing that muffles my motivation, stifles my creativity, fractures my confidence and dominates me. It is there almost all the time. I hate it, and I do not know what to do about it. I do not know, and I've had 43 yearsto do something. Okay, I had a good childhood and my teen years were okay. But from around age 20-ish I have had this... thing...

Wish I could kill it dead.

"How do I get me alone...?"

Or rather, how do I keep myself from sinking into lethargy and depression when I'm alone? Hello, by the way! I am home alone this week - thankfully I am not Macaulay Culkin (and yeah, I had to look up how to spell that name) so I am not besieged by hapless burglars trying to break in which would be interesting but not as funny as in that film! Touch wood, or knock on it, or whatever (I don't want that to really happen please!) For the most part I'm okay. But every so often it is like I peek into the abyss within my soul, get a glimpse of ye olde Nothing-face searching for me, luckily I can usually look away before our gazes meet. he is the anti-Rod - not some dark plumber from the 5th Dimension... No worse than that. My curse, my depression, my lack of motivation, my failure.

Oh dear me.

Mandy and Conal are on holiday for the week. Jasun will be getting back from his holiday tomorrow at some point, but then Wednesday he's leaving again - moving out (may be temporary, maybe not, we do not know yet). I have had texts every so often from Mandy, and replied probably far too readily, I must seem bloody desperate or something. Spoke with Mum on the phone last night, which was nice. Went shopping today, so a little human interaction with Patsy on the till and the taxi driver. Tomorrow I have my MS Centre session, as I say Jasun, and perhaps also Jenna may pop over. Wednesday I am going round to Mum & Dad's in the morning. Thursday I have a doctor's appointment. Friday... nothing.

It's the little bits of time in between things that are made livable by having someone else around, and just having someone else in the house with me (especially at night) I am getting some good films watched, but still, there are oftentimes these gulfs where I feel myself slipping. Doesn't help that I just feel so damn tired all the time. Starting to worry me because I never was one for sleeping in the day time, always so much going on in my mind - unless I was ill with something, it was impossible to do. But lately I have felt that urge to just go and lay in bed... It must be my depression. I still have heard nothing from MIND, the mental health charity, re: counselling. I have been on their waiting list since the beginning of the year. 4 to 6 months I was told. It has almost been 8 months...

So. I will cook dinner in a bit, after two days of home cooked meals I have made for myself (largely to try and use up fresh ingredients which would not last) tonight I have a simple frozen pizza to bung in the oven. Got some fresh strawberries and blueberries for dessert (there is cream that needs using up!) I shall pick another DVD that I like...Hmmm, where to start..? We will see.

I have a letter to write this week. And there is also my writing, for whatever that is worth... Bah, tried to end on a positive note, but just f*@-ed that up! Ah well, till you next encounter me -

Tschüß!

A few old song lyrics of mine and what I think of them now...

Hello! In times gone by I wrote a lot of songs, some of you will know this. the main bulk were written between 1988 and 2004. I always thought more might come of them, but around 330-ish were recorded as extremely rough (cannot stress that enough!) kind of demos on old cassette tapes during the mid '90s to early 2000s - equipment used to make these tapes included an old karaoke machine and drum machine from my old keyboard. I played keyboards, rhythm guitar, bass guitar and (attempted some lead guitar, just mainly to show that's where the solo was meant to go!) and I did my best at singing too, with varying degrees of success and epic failure! My songs varied greatly from pop-rock, punk, metal, doom, death, folk, blues, one or two more ambitious attempts at rap metal and funk / jazz. I still hope one day, but I don't suppose it'll ever happen, to go back and re-record properly some of my songs... the old cassette tapes which store them are gradually fading, and many of the songs I can't really remember how to play properly.

Any way... For the time being I thought I'd look back and pick 2 or 3 and include them here, based around the date today - 19th June - see what I was thinking when I wrote lyrics in the past around this date. So let's have a look -

The Catastrophe

by Rod Maughan (aged 17)

15th June 1989

1          I don't think we should act the way we do

            The only ones left to decide will be me and you

            I can see it, I can hear it - why is it only me?

            The biggest human sacrifice ever, we will be!

2          There are so many puzzles left unsolved

            We can't go now - it's taken us aeons to evolve!

            The possibilities the years to come could bring...

            All you've achieved - nothing means a thing!

Br        Can't stop it! Can't control it!

            It will end in all our deaths!

            Too late now! Too far now!

            But never ever too soon!

Ch       ­­You could never really see

            This catastrophic situation

            And now your soul has been set free

            To wander on and on...

3          Know of all the other creatures on this Earth

            That you're gonna take with you to death

            God, have some mercy... But God isn't real...

            Man is the only god and the wounds will never heal!

4          So damn involved with keeping your life secure

            You never even doubted - you were so sure

            Now it's almost over and your wish will come true...

            Death is so secure and there's nothing you can do!

Br

Ch

Instru

5          You were so determined never to grow old

            Because of your naivety this planet was sold

            Everybody knew that the world would end

            But they all said 'never mind - leave it to them!'

Br

Chx2

Oh well, yeah, I know, the last verse is rather a cop out! Couldn't decide how to end it I guess. A bit of a grim song I wrote at the tender age of 17, I was already at that age a vegetarian (that happened when I was 15) and highly motivated and concerned about the environment. I'd also spent much time with my nose in philosophy books and was already intrigued with ideas which would eventually turn me towards a pagan path spiritually.

The music to the song was fast and punchy - it was written at a time I had been self teaching myself keyboards for a year or so and was getting better, and was learning the bass guitar - I was just at the beginning of the electric guitar, so this song was written on the keyboards only, though was very much in a heavy metal style. I did indeed play my old keyboard rather like a thrash metal rhythm guitar back in the late '80s! When I eventually re-recorded this as an exceedingly rough demo around 1997-ish (I think) I re-worked the song to incorporate more guitar parts and also slowed the temp slightly (as it was all rather manic in it's original version!) - the keyboards still drive the song though.

Now here's this one:

The Truth

by Rod Maughan (aged 18)

17th June 1990

1          What lies on the other side?

            What lies beyond the grave?

            Is this the path to self destruction -

            That we pave?

SBr      Why are there no answers?

            Are we not supposed to know?

            This lack of information will cause us to go...

Br        We must go

            For we must know

            We will journey

            For we must see

Ch       (The truth)

            Are you real or am I dreaming?

            But aren't dreams reality too?

            Only you can stop me screaming!

            Do you know what you must do?

2          Will I see you in the after life?

            Or will we both just fade away?

            Hours pass contemplating...

            But still no-one can say

SBr

Br

Ch

Instru

This was very inspired by thrash metal musically - the verses and bridges are kind of mid-paced, plodding, but the choruses were really fast, and the instrumental is also very fast and comes to a bit of a manic climax eventually being longer than the rest of the song; such was my style around '90- '92 before my songs got shorter. I had made great strides learning bass and rhythm guitar by mid 1990 and many of my songs were quite complex, though looking back, rather unwieldy! This came to light when I tried to re-record some of the early '90s songs using my limited drumming options on my old keyboard. Many time changes, slow and fast bits, proved that i need a better drum machine. Or possibly a drummer!

Lyrically... Yeah, I was obsessed with life after death, this is reflected in quite a lot of my lyrics of earlier times. But reading between the lines you can also see my desperation to make a connection with someone, preferably a girlfriend, kindred spirit, soul mate, ie, "Only you can stop me screaming!" Only another like-souled person can come and ease my pain, quiet my troubled brain. Well, within 10 months I had started dating Mandy, and she's done quite a good job over the last 25 years, though my mind is a hard thing to quiet...

 Finally (for now, ha ha...):

New Age

by Rod Maughan (aged 25)

18th June 1997

1          We need you - don't go

            We need you - you're all we know

            The worry - you'll cause us

            The worry - fear of the unknown

2          It's the future that's at stake, don't want you to make

            Any more mistakes - try to learn from them

            The time when you were blind is the past that is behind

            I hope that you will find that your vision is clearer now

Ch       Don't deny it - a brand new age is here

            Don't deny it - there is nothing left to fear

            Don't deny it - a brand new age is here

            Don't deny it - don't deny it

3          I want you - come here

            I want you - I want everyone to hear

            The ignorant - are slow

            The ignorant - they will never know

4          It will be so wonderful - that's what they're saying

            We should start praying that they have got it right

            Because if they have not then things could turn bad

            And it will be so sad - I guess it's up to everyone of us

Ch

Instru

Chx2

Simple lyrics, and a song which musically reflected the mixed up stuff I listened to. I suppose you'd call this alternative metal, written around a main riff that sounds heavily borrowed from something off Metallica's Load album, the verses are sang kind of Megadeth "Sweating Bullets", and it has a Smashing Pumpkins meets Faith No More type of chorus... Strange days... By '97 I was writing much less complex songs, usually finding cool riffs and expanding them into songs. It was the vibe and attitude of the song that was important, rather than the musical complexity.

Not my greatest lyrics of the time, but as I said, trying to include songs based on the date. On the surface I think this is a song that is talking to the general population of humanity - buck your ideas up. But when I look deeper, it may well be about my kids and parenthood and how I want the best possible future for them and that I've got to buck my ideas up and face responsibilities! I was heavily into my psychology degree at the time, about a year left to go, and that was taking up a lot of my time. Yes, the more I look at those lyrics, the more I feel like they're a message to me. Well... how well did(n't) I do, that will be discussed some other time I am sure..!

So, there you go. Might do this again some other time with 3 more of my songs. Lucky you!

Bis Später!