A very funny thing going on in my life...

Hello. Yes, there is a very funny thing going on in my life at the moment. Most peculiar. It is of course me. What the devil am I playing at? I once wrote this line in a little self examining piece I penned:

How can I feel superior whilst languishing in the sub-gutter of my broken dreams?

Gosh that's pretty dark and grim. A bit like the not quite so good:

I'm so far down that I'm past the blues, it's all pitch black...

But that's cheery compared to the harrowing:

I no longer trust myself with my own future...

Well, the quotes go on and on as you might well imagine. And one would rightly assume that I have issues, I have baggage, I have a love/hate relationship with myself. I know we all probably do to an extent. But yes, I am responsible now for putting myself into a position from which there are only a couple of easy exits and neither are appealing to me.

If I go one way then I have to give up something I love doing, have loved doing for 7+ years now. It has become a part of my life and I am saddened at the thought it could be coming to an end. Not wholly by my own doing, I might add, but I haven't towed the line, I've been rebellious Rod, fighting my little corner, stubborn as a mule.

If I go the other way then I tow the line - I keep doing what I've been doing but at a cost: a compromise which goes against my better judgement and what I believe in. So I feel like I'm in a lose-lose right at this moment.

Yeah, there's probably a couple of other possible ways it could go, but they are less easy - they involve a complexity I am less than willing to embrace at the moment. And can't be bothered.

And I go back to the 'not trusting myself...' malarkey. Another fine mess I have got me into. This is a pattern that has repeated throughout my life and I do not know how to break it.

On the surface I am a well spoken, well mannered, well educated, good humoured and caring individual who is easy to talk to, has empathy, and cares deeply about other people and the world. But to what extent is that truly who I am? Is that a facade, a mask I wear? I would like to think not.

Sooner or later it comes down and what's underneath is an ugly mass of self neglect, self hatred, regret, jealousy and bitterness. And of course Mr Nothing. Gods you don't want to look at Him, don't let him any where near you or he will suck out your soul and bake a pie with it, or something.

I know, I know... I'm just a regular human being... being what..? Stupid again. Ha, back to quoting myself again.

the fact is throughout my life I have had opportunities I have passed up and continually started things I could not finish, and plastered myself into these corners where I cannot move and just end up crumbling. My teachers were dead right about me when I quit the 6th Form at school aged 17 - I have no staying power, I lack... something. What is that thing? I lack... what?? Perseverance, commitment...

But I dunno about that. I helped raise 3 children in a family, I have remained committed to a great relationship with my wife all these years. So it's not true of everything.

I can only put it down, once again to that intangible thing that has a tight grip on my soul, that which I call The Nothing. I fear I may have passed it on to at least one of my children, to some extent - I can only pray that eventually genetics will breed it out of the lineage... But maybe not.

It is like a heaviness throughout my whole body. It is like a thing that muffles my motivation, stifles my creativity, fractures my confidence and dominates me. It is there almost all the time. I hate it, and I do not know what to do about it. I do not know, and I've had 43 yearsto do something. Okay, I had a good childhood and my teen years were okay. But from around age 20-ish I have had this... thing...

Wish I could kill it dead.