Or rather, how do I keep myself from sinking into lethargy and depression when I'm alone? Hello, by the way! I am home alone this week - thankfully I am not Macaulay Culkin (and yeah, I had to look up how to spell that name) so I am not besieged by hapless burglars trying to break in which would be interesting but not as funny as in that film! Touch wood, or knock on it, or whatever (I don't want that to really happen please!) For the most part I'm okay. But every so often it is like I peek into the abyss within my soul, get a glimpse of ye olde Nothing-face searching for me, luckily I can usually look away before our gazes meet. he is the anti-Rod - not some dark plumber from the 5th Dimension... No worse than that. My curse, my depression, my lack of motivation, my failure.
Oh dear me.
Mandy and Conal are on holiday for the week. Jasun will be getting back from his holiday tomorrow at some point, but then Wednesday he's leaving again - moving out (may be temporary, maybe not, we do not know yet). I have had texts every so often from Mandy, and replied probably far too readily, I must seem bloody desperate or something. Spoke with Mum on the phone last night, which was nice. Went shopping today, so a little human interaction with Patsy on the till and the taxi driver. Tomorrow I have my MS Centre session, as I say Jasun, and perhaps also Jenna may pop over. Wednesday I am going round to Mum & Dad's in the morning. Thursday I have a doctor's appointment. Friday... nothing.
It's the little bits of time in between things that are made livable by having someone else around, and just having someone else in the house with me (especially at night) I am getting some good films watched, but still, there are oftentimes these gulfs where I feel myself slipping. Doesn't help that I just feel so damn tired all the time. Starting to worry me because I never was one for sleeping in the day time, always so much going on in my mind - unless I was ill with something, it was impossible to do. But lately I have felt that urge to just go and lay in bed... It must be my depression. I still have heard nothing from MIND, the mental health charity, re: counselling. I have been on their waiting list since the beginning of the year. 4 to 6 months I was told. It has almost been 8 months...
So. I will cook dinner in a bit, after two days of home cooked meals I have made for myself (largely to try and use up fresh ingredients which would not last) tonight I have a simple frozen pizza to bung in the oven. Got some fresh strawberries and blueberries for dessert (there is cream that needs using up!) I shall pick another DVD that I like...Hmmm, where to start..? We will see.
I have a letter to write this week. And there is also my writing, for whatever that is worth... Bah, tried to end on a positive note, but just f*@-ed that up! Ah well, till you next encounter me -
Tschüß!
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