Hi. This is a premise which I and a couple of other volunteers routinely joke about. Can't give us a wage cut, can't sack us, we're doing it for free... But I have just been suspended for a month. Perhaps I pushed a little too hard - well, there's no 'perhaps' about it. I obviously pushed my luck, called a bluff, got under someone's skin. Sadly in doing so I exposed something of a weakness which was soon latched onto and exploited. So apparently I'm having a break because of my mental state, to give myself a 'well-earned rest'. I have one thing to say about that to the person in question and that thing is Fuck You you pathetic little person!
The ugly truth is, I am seen as a loose cannon, someone to be quietened for fear of what I might say and who to say it to. I was formerly in a position of authority, yeah even as a volunteer, and I stepped down from that position because things were not being run correctly and I could not in good conscience abide that on my watch. But even before I did step down it seems my little bit of authority had been whisked out from under me any way - new revelations at the start of the heated email exchange ending in my dismissal show that the head honcho does not agree with the old protocols I had been taught and that I had been passing on to others in training.
You'll note I am being careful not to name names and places and stuff, which is a bit challenging as I've had a few Bacardi & cokes tonight to settle me down a bit (not just 'cos of what I am writing about, but also next door had a loud rowdy gathering that's gone on till just after midnight!) Actually it's quite late I just noticed.
So... what's to do, what's to be done? A couple of things are tempting - it would be interesting to just turn up and see what happens. I would not necessarily need to try and turn up and run my sessions, I could come along in a friendship capacity, since I am friends with many at the place. And I haven't exactly been 'banned' - though it would be interesting to see if my turning up would instigate such an end result. The other thing that's tempting is to just say "Screw this for a game of dominoes!" and just part ways with the place. this would make me very sad, I have volunteered there for over 7 years however there are other volunteering opportunities out there, and I can keep in touch with at least some of the people I've got to know... So that eventuality would draw a line nicely under something that has got damn messy. And besides, after a month passes, I am going to feel exactly the same way. I know I am.
This is because it is not Rod's fragile mental state at play here. It is the culmination of stuff that's built up over a long time. Unfortunately this week was the worst time it could have come to a head since I have been on my own most of the week and had other things on my mind. I shouldn't have said that though to what's-their-name, stupid thing to say. I should have kept it matter of fact and not resisted going to see him, her, they, it or squiggle. (Squiggle represents the concept of an alien entity of some type...)
They think I am suddenly acting out of character. They don't know me. They don't know how many ups and downs I have had whilst volunteering there over the years, and believe me I have had worse downs than this and kept coming in / didn't require a month's rest. No - it is convenience.
The worst thing is that I feel like I am letting the people I go there to help down. It feels like a failure on my part, even if half of me does just want to quit and not look back.
All I can think and hope for the moment is that I do try and believe in Karma - what goes around eventually comes around. Let's hope sooner than later that squiggle gets well and truly squoggled (hard and against a wall!)
Gute Nacht!
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