If you'll indulge me, a selection of old posts here from my old MSN Groups site, Rodj71Online - these are all about my depression, that's why they were on the 'Depression Bored'. These do not seem like I wrote them 7 or 8 years ago. Crazy. I'm not 'better' yet.
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From: Rodj71
(Original Message) Sent: 09/05/2007 18:15
No, I haven't suffered a lapse in my ability to spell, it's
a play on words This new message board
is meant for me to have a right old moan about everything that's wrong in my
life, in my head and in the world in general. Maybe it might be therapeutic. Maybe
it might be inspirational or something... I doubt it though. Got fed up with
writing the ocassional blog on theirspace.com - no-one reads it any way... and
as that's the case, my thoughts may as well go on this site which I visit much
more often, being the site manager and all... (being the only contributing
member too!) Oh well, I will sod off now to make dinner - auf wiedersehen,
meine leute!
From: Rodj71
(Original Message) Sent: 15/06/2007 11:22
Greetings reader.
Frustration rages inside me this morning, I feel I need to scream, but that's
not the done thing, is it? Frustration at what..? At the world, at people, at
my situation I'm 'stuck' in - I thought I was getting un-stuck - hmm, maybe not
- but mainly it's well and truly aimed at myself. I want to rip my mind apart
so the light that is my soul can find a crack to escape through and I can
express my true self, something I can never seem to do. Yesterday evening I had
a confrontation with our noisey neighbours and just said a little too much, and
regretted it - I am not a 'people person' - the lines of my old song, I wrote
way back in '94 or '95 'Unwanted Neighbour' keep on going through my mind on a
regular basis, more and more these days - "My hatred of you is so
intense... I don't just wish you were dead... I wish that you were never
born... that's my hatred; it's so intense!!" - that was a heavy song, I
wrote a lot of good, heavy songs! I wish I could do something with my songs. I
had talent once. Now I'm ammounting to nothing, just as Mr Bromage at school
said I would when I quit the 6th Form and he wrote me that crappy reference to
North Herts College... Oh boy, did he have my number right! Any therapist would
tell me that's faulty thinking, and that I can break the mould and change my fate,
etc - heck, I always tell myself that too, that's sometimes what keeps me
plodding onwards through life. But I cannot go and grab it, I cannot just go
carpe diem, baby - it's beyond me. I wait for it to come to me. And it isn't
coming, I know that by now - so what??? What becomes of me..? Jealous of the
world for having a life, pissed off with all because they're better at
socialising than me, they have friends and I don't, but at the same time
looking down on them like some God with an ego the size of Everest, thinking
I'm better than them, when really it's the other way around... What the heck do
I do? What am I supposed to do with this life? How do I live? All I know is
that once I had so much potential, but now I feel like a spent force... but I
haven't done anything to expend me...
Okay - yes I have done things with my life - there's my
wonderful marriage to Mandy and my 3 children, whom I love so much. That's an
accomplishment, that's an achievement - many people don't have that. So I'm
lucky. I have things that I dreamed of having when I was in my teens, a happy
marriage to a woman who loves me and great kids who love me. But I need to do
some actual 'things' with my life, like have a career, or get those novels
finished off, or get back to my music, etc, etc, etc... But my spark, my
creative spark - where's it gone. Can't seem to access it. When I do, it
sputters, it isn't easy, nothing comes as easy as it used to. So I give up -
that's easy enough, n'est pas? Is it all about control? Is the only thing which
I have complete control over in my life the ability to not do stuff, and to
give up? Ha - I'm sadder than I first thought!!! Am I hung-up in some
pre-concrete operations stage, Piaget? Or maybe I got lost in that
ever-so-well-explained latent stage, Herr Freud?! Listen to me, I'm now blaming
dead psychologists. I liked being a student. Would I be able to do that
again..? Do I have it in me..?
Sometimes I think I'm okay, I'm 'on the up', getting better,
then stuff happens like the thing with the neighbours last night, and it sends
me spiralling downwards out of control till I crash into the Sea of Self
Loathing once again, and I'm tossed against the rocks that represent the
f**ked-up debris in my mind that were once healthy, cognitive apparatus but now
resemble a blackened, twisted wreckage of some kind, and finally wash up on
Depression Beach once again!! My word, that's dark! Tea and scones spiked with
confidence, anyone?
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From: Rodj71
(Original Message) Sent: 27/09/2007 09:47
Today I have a million and one things rattling round in my
head - all things I feel that I urgently need to, or want to, be doing with my
day. Trouble is I only have a few hours to get it all done in, and I take so
long doing these things, and furthermore I get so damn easily distracted all
the time, by any little thing... Heck, even writing this is a distraction!! And
don't get me started on the Internet - I love it, but it's such a distraction!
I want to write to Angie, write to Torsten, study/revise/learn/practice my
German, write more of the current D&D game we started over the Summer
(haven't touched that for weeks), continue getting more of the old Adv. Monthly
magazine put onto my AM website (I made such a good start on that the other
week), play a little of my Harvest Moon game, go out for a walk (it's nice and
Sunny, and I suspect it's warmer out there than it is in this house!!), and
perhaps watch some TV with Mandy... But I can't do all of that. There's not
enough time in the day (before the kids get home from school and my free-time
ends) As usual I will get two or three of those things done. One will
definitely be my German work, as it is important to me (though verb endings are
a bloody headache!) Another will probably be an e-mail-letter to Angie - sorry Torsten,
if you're reading this, you will have top priority tomorrow!
Moan, moan, bloody moan!!!
Rod
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From: Rodj71
(Original Message) Sent: 01/05/2008 11:14
Not good at all. Life at the moment. Again feeling like a
small island lost in a massive ocean. Feelings of powerlessness. fear for my
wife and her mental state. Fear for my daughter and her future if she is unable
to 'pull her socks up'... but I don't think she can, those socks aren't really
there. Perhaps we conveniently placed them on her in our imagination so there
was that thing called hope. I feel betrayed by omnipresent individualism -
society, my enemy... now I am worse than you? How did that happen? Society, I
once wrote, is a contradiction - and I mean't that because it was full of individuals...
but now I see it from the other way round - indivuality is a flippin'
contradiction because of society... oh I dunno what I'm saying anymore. I'm so
low I can taste the nickel and iron... What the f**k... basically...
From: Rodj71 (Original
Message) Sent: 28/08/2008 12:05
I'm feeling so down today. Life seems pointless. I cannot
get motivated to do anything, except sit around... Tammy the cat is reflecting
this right back at me it seems - she's wandering round like a lost lamb, not
sure what to do with herself... I feel the same way. Loads of things need
doing, loads of things I could be doing... but the lack of motivation is too
strong. I need more structure in my life, and a sort of timetable that I should
create and stick to... But for now... (sigh!) I better try and make myself do
something, even if it's just a computer game or watching TV, or else I'm going
to fall asleep or something...
Rod
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