Tar of my Soul

Hello there. Nothing comes along and overwhelms me. What does that mean? I'm not saying that there's nothing that can overwhelm me, that's for sure. The Nothing is an entity that dwells inside me - it is my depression, it is my dark side, it is my lazy side, my hateful, self loathing side... my anti-me. It always gets a surprise attack on me, even if I suspect it is lurking, waiting to strike. Doesn't so much strike as roll over me like a D&D Black Pudding monster - but more psionic; a tar of the soul.

Nothing has been there, in me, probably as far back as my childhood. Certainly my teenage years. It is the voice that tells me 'no, don't do that, there's something better - do this instead!' and then promptly sucks out of all enthusiasm, leaving me high and dry with umpteen unfinished projects - ideas started and never brought to fruition. It often strikes when I am alone, and most vulnerable. It can take a day of potential action and activity and transform it in a blink into a day of... well, nothing.

If I am doing this to myself (which clearly I am!!), then why? This is something I am hoping to get to the bottom of in my new counselling sessions. The counselor seems up for it, and so we will see where it leads us. Inevitably, as already touched upon in session one, it's looking like a lot of reflection on childhood and teen years. If I can identify whatever it was that gave rise to this great Nothing then I can try and overcome it at last.

There's a lot of suppressed rage and anger in me. Despite all my talk of wearing my heart on my sleeve and being open and honest about everything, communicating my feelings... there are some pretty intense things I have never been able to deal with and that gnaw at my subconscious. That little 'something' I have never properly been able to put my finger on. I think when I played my guitar in the past, that helped to release the aggression. But nowadays my creativity has taken a fall and it's again the Nothing - self doubt, lack of will, cannot play like I used to play, cannot be bothered with it any more... What a shame.

And then I think about the other f***ed up thing in my mind, the kind of twisted opposite of the Nothing whom I do not have a name for but refer to as my Superiority Complex. Which ties in to the OCD-ness of me, the perfectionist. Okay, so I'm a little bit clever - certainly not Brains of Britain, by a long way - but still I have a good, sharp mind (when the Nothing isn't dulling it) I have a degree. I am interested in complicated things. And so clearly I have ideas and opinions about lots of things in life, how things ought to be, what sort of things I take for granted that other people should all know and also abide by. Control freak? Well yeah, probably a bit. And as I have got older and wearier of this crap in my life, and the world in general, I find I have a lot less tolerance of other people and their shortcomings and 'bad' behaviour.

Is the schism in my soul a running conflict between the Nothing and Mr Superior? (There, I've named the other one now! He sounds like a super-hero... he wishes!) Do they compliment each other? To what extent is it one or the other? Is Mr S my Ego, or Super Ego and N my Id? Getting Freudian there, as one surely does with this sort of situation! According to Freud the Id is all base desires and naked, bare-faced wants without any thought of consequence. The Super Ego is like the Higher Mind that tries to bring the Id into line and impose reason and rationale onto it. It bargains with with the Id. The Ego is the Self - me, Rod - in the middle between the childish impulses of the Id and the Grandparent's wisdom of the Super Ego. The Ego tries to hold them in balance - is supposed to be like a negotiator. Is my Ego broken? Or just doesn't want any part in it..? "Abandon ship!"

There's a lot of psychological theories that could be applied. Do they help though? Whether yes or no, they are very interesting to apply to my situation. Well, more some other time... I have things to (try) and do.

Bis später, tschüß!