Holdays

(Written July 2009)

When I think of the word Holiday, many things come to mind. Certainly I am reminded of my younger days when time seemed to last longer... and music also comes to mind in a big way. The Madonna song ‘Holiday’ is there foremost, which is very apt I suppose... other songs include ‘Paradise City’ by Guns ‘n Roses and ‘Summer Nights’ by Van Halen (not the one from the Grease soundtrack!) - these songs evoke strong feelings of Summer in me...

When I think of Holiday, I think of summer, like most people do, I expect.

The school summer holidays - six weeks which back then seemed like six months... I think of ice cream vans, wearing nothing but shorts and getting a tan. I remember riding my bike in the hot weather as a kid, and I remember the paddling pool we used to have, in which my sister and I had lots of fun in the hot weather. Going to the park with my family and playing football and tennis, and having picnics...

In more recent times when I think of Summer I think of long hot days, light evenings, early mornings, the lawn dying in the heat-wave and my relief at not having to cut it for a while! Our poor pet rabbit killed by the heat in 2003, on the hottest day since records began. Poor little thing. I think of my discomfort in the sticky heat, and being unable to sleep at night... Ants and bees, butterflies and wasps... and flowers in bloom. Hayfever. Oh dear...

But perhaps oddly, when I think of the word Holiday, I do not think of taking a holiday, ie, going away somewhere. Perhaps this is because one could count the number of such holidays I have had in my entire life on just the one hand. I have had two holidays as a boy, and three as an adult, the last one being about six years ago now. It is not something I have done much in my life, so it is not something I automatically think of. It is something that other people do. A holiday to me is a bit of a luxury, and I have never been able to afford luxuries...

Yes, I readily admit it, a holiday is a sore point with me. It is something that everyone else seems to have in common; an ice-breaker, as such, which can be talked about at length. Holiday talk always makes me feel left out, or lacking in some way. Less of a person. Holiday talk makes me frustrated and annoyed, eventually it makes me depressed.

That is not to say that I do not want a proper holiday. I want to go to the countryside, as sea-sides and beaches are not my thing. I want to see the Lake District, or go back to Northumberland where my Dad comes from, or look up distant relatives in Northern Ireland. I would love to go to Germany and practise my language skills there, and meet my pen-pals. I would love to see so many different places in the world, special, significant, historical places...

Most of all, from a holiday, I would want what everyone else wants - a break from the norm. Just to get far away from everything in my normal life and routine...

But it is all beyond me at this time in my life, and so it makes me sad to think about...

Holiday... maybe one day...

It is done, I am done...

Grüße Alles. (Who's Alice?) Yes it is indeed done. I decided to go with what I felt inside and quit volunteering at the MS Centre after 7 and a bit years. I think 7 years is a good amount of time to give to a place, and over the years I have given a lot, and got a lot back in return. It bothers me a little that perhaps I've caved in and taken the path of least resistance - the easier option. But, well, it's not really the easier option because as I said previously, I now MUST get myself more voluntary work. It's not optional as far as I am concerned. I need it to keep me at least a little busy at times - I need the commitment, the routine and the sense of doing something worthwhile and helpful to others. To get me out of the house, a little time doing something that's just for me (ie, without my Mandy) and to expand and continue growing as a person. When you stop doing things, you stop growing - if you're not growing, your mind turns in on itself (I already feel that happening) - for the past 2 or 3 years at the MS Centre I wasn't doing as much as I used to do there, so that's the effect of that.

I feel I must proceed with a little caution though; I do not wish to be taking on too much, or be put into a position of authority again (not without levels of support in place) - I cannot entirely trust myself that I will not start to believe that I know best and possibly even quietly / subtly rebel against authority. And then it all falls apart. What's wrong with me?

UNFINISHED FROM LATE JULY 2015 BUT PUBLISHED COS I CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO FINISH IT!

Coffee Snob

Coffee Snob

Here I am, the Coffee Snob

Whether with a Rich Tea or a Hobnob

Carrot cake is made so much more rewarding

With a coffee that needs more affording

Weak and white and milky and pale

Might as well dunk in a biscuit so stale

For coffee should taste like coffee should taste

Otherwise it’s a God awful waste

Rich and fruity or strong and biting

Flavour is important, that’s what I’m writing

Caffeine firing my senses to function

See me through the morning till I take luncheon

So take away your weak milky brew

Bring my own coffee, that’s what I’ll do

I need a hot drink that will embellish my brain

Anything less should go down the drain!

Rod Maughan

3^rd Sept 2015

On finding a new comfort zone...

Hello. Wish I wouldn't feel as though I have dug a big hole and plonked myself down into it with no ladder or rope. That's the consensus in Rod's Brain™ these days. I'm almost 2 weeks into my apparent 'Garden Leave' / suspension and I am missing the place and missing the routine. But like Tom Petty, I won't back down, and I have started looking for other voluntary work. It will not be the same and will take some getting used to... that's if I even get as far as applying.

The way I see it there are now 3 options for me carrying on at the MS Centre:

1) They Who Must Not Be Named leaves and a new manager is appointed - my best possible scenario but the one least likely to happen

2) Rod Swallows Pride and Betrays What He Believes in - already said, I won't back down. No way am I going to go and sit in that office and take everything back, or even argue my point against a brick wall - that would get ugly and not solve anything, if I did back down it would just go back to how it was before

3) Manager Apologises To Me, Makes Changes - unlikely this will happen but I feel I am in fact owed an apology, putting aside the fact that I was right, but a bold-faced lie has been told to others about me (that I am taking a month off due to stress / ill health) and that really flippin' irks me!!

Okay, I lied... there's a:

4) I just go in on Saturdays only, avoiding management but obviously only helping the few who come in on a Saturday and not seeing my Tuesday / Wednesday folk any more... but well...

I feel like maybe I need a clean break with the place. Short of maybe, after enough time has passed, perhaps going in to just chat with people on a friendship basis (surely that would be permitted, if I have the guts to go there...) It may well be, as a dear old friend said recently, that the universe is giving me a clear sign that now it's time to move on to pastures new and hopefully greener.

I still would like to help people, but there are many other opportunities to do so differently. I have looked at primarily caring and befriending - blind people, HIV/AIDS people, the elderly and physically handicapped people, the Samaritans and just a befriender for the lonely. I will be thinking about it a lot over the next week or two. I feel I have a lot to give, and I hope it will be a two-way process like it's been with the MS Centre (from members and volunteers, not management) - I want to get friendship back too and feel worthy and that I am making a difference to people who need help. I also would like to expand my horizons, and of course that is best achieved by meeting new and different people and trying new and different things.

But it also requires discarding a comfort zone that I have grown and nurtured myself in for the past 7 and a bit years now. Like a snake shedding it's skin so that it can grow... yeah, I feel it must be done. We shall see if I have the strength and guts to do it - the option of just doing nothing is not desirable at all. As I said, I miss doing something at least a few hours a week.

Perhaps things will be clearer when next I blog in your general direction.

Tschüß!!

"We're volunteers, they can't sack us..."

Hi. This is a premise which I and a couple of other volunteers routinely joke about. Can't give us a wage cut, can't sack us, we're doing it for free... But I have just been suspended for a month. Perhaps I pushed a little too hard - well, there's no 'perhaps' about it. I obviously pushed my luck, called a bluff, got under someone's skin. Sadly in doing so I exposed something of a weakness which was soon latched onto and exploited. So apparently I'm having a break because of my mental state, to give myself a 'well-earned rest'. I have one thing to say about that to the person in question and that thing is Fuck You you pathetic little person!

The ugly truth is, I am seen as a loose cannon, someone to be quietened for fear of what I might say and who to say it to. I was formerly in a position of authority, yeah even as a volunteer, and I stepped down from that position because things were not being run correctly and I could not in good conscience abide that on my watch. But even before I did step down it seems my little bit of authority had been whisked out from under me any way - new revelations at the start of the heated email exchange ending in my dismissal show that the head honcho does not agree with the old protocols I had been taught and that I had been passing on to others in training.

You'll note I am being careful not to name names and places and stuff, which is a bit challenging as I've had a few Bacardi & cokes tonight to settle me down a bit (not just 'cos of what I am writing about, but also next door had a loud rowdy gathering that's gone on till just after midnight!) Actually it's quite late I just noticed.

So... what's to do, what's to be done? A couple of things are tempting - it would be interesting to just turn up and see what happens. I would not necessarily need to try and turn up and run my sessions, I could come along in a friendship capacity, since I am friends with many at the place. And I haven't exactly been 'banned' - though it would be interesting to see if my turning up would instigate such an end result. The other thing that's tempting is to just say "Screw this for a game of dominoes!" and just part ways with the place. this would make me very sad, I have volunteered there for over 7 years however there are other volunteering opportunities out there, and I can keep in touch with at least some of the people I've got to know... So that eventuality would draw a line nicely under something that has got damn messy. And besides, after a month passes, I am going to feel exactly the same way. I know I am.

This is because it is not Rod's fragile mental state at play here. It is the culmination of stuff that's built up over a long time. Unfortunately this week was the worst time it could have come to a head since I have been on my own most of the week and had other things on my mind. I shouldn't have said that though to what's-their-name, stupid thing to say. I should have kept it matter of fact and not resisted going to see him, her, they, it or squiggle. (Squiggle represents the concept of an alien entity of some type...)

They think I am suddenly acting out of character. They don't know me. They don't know how many ups and downs I have had whilst volunteering there over the years, and believe me I have had worse downs than this and kept coming in / didn't require a month's rest. No - it is convenience.

The worst thing is that I feel like I am letting the people I go there to help down. It feels like a failure on my part, even if half of me does just want to quit and not look back.

All I can think and hope for the moment is that I do try and believe in Karma - what goes around eventually comes around. Let's hope sooner than later that squiggle gets well and truly squoggled (hard and against a wall!)

Gute Nacht!

A very funny thing going on in my life...

Hello. Yes, there is a very funny thing going on in my life at the moment. Most peculiar. It is of course me. What the devil am I playing at? I once wrote this line in a little self examining piece I penned:

How can I feel superior whilst languishing in the sub-gutter of my broken dreams?

Gosh that's pretty dark and grim. A bit like the not quite so good:

I'm so far down that I'm past the blues, it's all pitch black...

But that's cheery compared to the harrowing:

I no longer trust myself with my own future...

Well, the quotes go on and on as you might well imagine. And one would rightly assume that I have issues, I have baggage, I have a love/hate relationship with myself. I know we all probably do to an extent. But yes, I am responsible now for putting myself into a position from which there are only a couple of easy exits and neither are appealing to me.

If I go one way then I have to give up something I love doing, have loved doing for 7+ years now. It has become a part of my life and I am saddened at the thought it could be coming to an end. Not wholly by my own doing, I might add, but I haven't towed the line, I've been rebellious Rod, fighting my little corner, stubborn as a mule.

If I go the other way then I tow the line - I keep doing what I've been doing but at a cost: a compromise which goes against my better judgement and what I believe in. So I feel like I'm in a lose-lose right at this moment.

Yeah, there's probably a couple of other possible ways it could go, but they are less easy - they involve a complexity I am less than willing to embrace at the moment. And can't be bothered.

And I go back to the 'not trusting myself...' malarkey. Another fine mess I have got me into. This is a pattern that has repeated throughout my life and I do not know how to break it.

On the surface I am a well spoken, well mannered, well educated, good humoured and caring individual who is easy to talk to, has empathy, and cares deeply about other people and the world. But to what extent is that truly who I am? Is that a facade, a mask I wear? I would like to think not.

Sooner or later it comes down and what's underneath is an ugly mass of self neglect, self hatred, regret, jealousy and bitterness. And of course Mr Nothing. Gods you don't want to look at Him, don't let him any where near you or he will suck out your soul and bake a pie with it, or something.

I know, I know... I'm just a regular human being... being what..? Stupid again. Ha, back to quoting myself again.

the fact is throughout my life I have had opportunities I have passed up and continually started things I could not finish, and plastered myself into these corners where I cannot move and just end up crumbling. My teachers were dead right about me when I quit the 6th Form at school aged 17 - I have no staying power, I lack... something. What is that thing? I lack... what?? Perseverance, commitment...

But I dunno about that. I helped raise 3 children in a family, I have remained committed to a great relationship with my wife all these years. So it's not true of everything.

I can only put it down, once again to that intangible thing that has a tight grip on my soul, that which I call The Nothing. I fear I may have passed it on to at least one of my children, to some extent - I can only pray that eventually genetics will breed it out of the lineage... But maybe not.

It is like a heaviness throughout my whole body. It is like a thing that muffles my motivation, stifles my creativity, fractures my confidence and dominates me. It is there almost all the time. I hate it, and I do not know what to do about it. I do not know, and I've had 43 yearsto do something. Okay, I had a good childhood and my teen years were okay. But from around age 20-ish I have had this... thing...

Wish I could kill it dead.

"How do I get me alone...?"

Or rather, how do I keep myself from sinking into lethargy and depression when I'm alone? Hello, by the way! I am home alone this week - thankfully I am not Macaulay Culkin (and yeah, I had to look up how to spell that name) so I am not besieged by hapless burglars trying to break in which would be interesting but not as funny as in that film! Touch wood, or knock on it, or whatever (I don't want that to really happen please!) For the most part I'm okay. But every so often it is like I peek into the abyss within my soul, get a glimpse of ye olde Nothing-face searching for me, luckily I can usually look away before our gazes meet. he is the anti-Rod - not some dark plumber from the 5th Dimension... No worse than that. My curse, my depression, my lack of motivation, my failure.

Oh dear me.

Mandy and Conal are on holiday for the week. Jasun will be getting back from his holiday tomorrow at some point, but then Wednesday he's leaving again - moving out (may be temporary, maybe not, we do not know yet). I have had texts every so often from Mandy, and replied probably far too readily, I must seem bloody desperate or something. Spoke with Mum on the phone last night, which was nice. Went shopping today, so a little human interaction with Patsy on the till and the taxi driver. Tomorrow I have my MS Centre session, as I say Jasun, and perhaps also Jenna may pop over. Wednesday I am going round to Mum & Dad's in the morning. Thursday I have a doctor's appointment. Friday... nothing.

It's the little bits of time in between things that are made livable by having someone else around, and just having someone else in the house with me (especially at night) I am getting some good films watched, but still, there are oftentimes these gulfs where I feel myself slipping. Doesn't help that I just feel so damn tired all the time. Starting to worry me because I never was one for sleeping in the day time, always so much going on in my mind - unless I was ill with something, it was impossible to do. But lately I have felt that urge to just go and lay in bed... It must be my depression. I still have heard nothing from MIND, the mental health charity, re: counselling. I have been on their waiting list since the beginning of the year. 4 to 6 months I was told. It has almost been 8 months...

So. I will cook dinner in a bit, after two days of home cooked meals I have made for myself (largely to try and use up fresh ingredients which would not last) tonight I have a simple frozen pizza to bung in the oven. Got some fresh strawberries and blueberries for dessert (there is cream that needs using up!) I shall pick another DVD that I like...Hmmm, where to start..? We will see.

I have a letter to write this week. And there is also my writing, for whatever that is worth... Bah, tried to end on a positive note, but just f*@-ed that up! Ah well, till you next encounter me -

Tschüß!