Days Like Today

On days like today... everything feels off. My brain feel askew in my skull, my senses feel unwieldy and my body doesn't feel like my own. I feel heavy. Words comes readily but they all sound wrong and cause me to question them. And if my own self feels clunky and alien to me, how can I expect my interactions with others to be smooth and pain free? Everything feels like it's a misunderstanding - the language feels like it is correct, the meaning seems true, but something gets confused along the way... somehow. I say too much. or I don't say enough. Or not of the right things... the emphasis is misplaced, or perhaps thin on the ground.

I just feel so awkward in the world, like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.

It's all a contradiction. How can I both want to feel a part of something and the need to interact with people, but at the same time, feel the need to be just left alone? What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I know I can be spiky and standoff-ish and push people away, whilst at the same time I can put over a feeling of warmth and welcoming, of friendship and an empathy. So that attracts others. But it is like the lure of an angler fish - enticing, the promise of good things, But then the rotten insides start to reveal themselves to the new prize, slowly ruining it. And yeah, it feels like the reverse Midas touch - everything I touch turns to shit. Not at first - at first I improve it, and I lift people, and they get swept up and carried along by my creative energy... But I'm a one-trick pony. And once the trick has been shown off a few times... that's it. All I know how to do after that if gradually erode away at the thing till it's not what it was.

Some sort of vampire. Some sort of parasite. Some sort of social monster, just a broken human being who doesn't really fit into the world or know how to 'people' properly. Not over the long term at any rate.

What am I supposed to do?

Oh me...

I don'y know why I go to the news sites these days, it's pretty depressing. World events that are worrying, national news that usually means I end up feeling guilty or worthless about living on benefits.Non-news items that are trivial and mean nothing. I like to keep up to date with things, vaguely. I don't feel very much part of the world though. Hard to relate to things, and other people find it hard to relate to me. So I'm the ever-alien square peg trying to fit into the round hole of the world. Facebook is not a good thing either. Un-liking and un-following so much these days, it's getting to be not a lot left on me for there. And when I open my mouth, or rather let my fingers do the talking, 9 times out of 10 it feels like I'm either in full grumpy old man, moaning mode, or being something of an arsehole. Some of my stuff borders on troll-like, albeit more intelligent - I have the intelligence to fight my corner and win, either outright or by forcing a stalemate. What the f--- is wrong with me? I don't really live in the world though, so it's no wonder I can't 'people' properly - little intolerant streaks I had in me are now starting to grossly exaggerate and that's ugly. I've got to try and fix myself somehow. Yep, we all know how good I am at doing that... 

Odds & Ends vol 1

I have a folder on a USB stick named odds & ends - it is full of all sorts of things that don't fit anywhere else. Among them are short musings, thoughts, etc, sometimes these are facebook / other website comments or posts that never actually were. Here is a selection of them now:

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6^th Sept 2012

On a day like today nothing is right and all is wrong. I was okay, but now I am not - my beloved wife is so down and depressed, and so I am too. She sleeps the whole day through, and doesn’t eat... I just do nothing but mess about on my computer, taking absolutely no joy from it whatsoever. The Sun is shining outside; it is a warm late Summer day and I intended to go for a walk, in fact part of me ached to do that... but another part of me, the part where the blackness resides, stopped me from doing it... as though to punish myself..? Why? I just hope Mandy feels better soon. She is such a lovely person and I love her so much, it pains me immensely to hear her talk of herself in such a negative way as she did earlier on. I don’t know how much more of this ‘nothing’ life I can take, I really don’t. I might as well be dead.

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December 2017

We all have different learning styles - the way we take in and process information and commit it to memory (or not!) Primarily there are three - listening, seeing and tactile / hands-on experience. Many people have a preference, but we tend to use a bit of everything in varying amounts. With me I have always found that i do not really get on with just being 'told' things by others - I like to find things out for myself. Reading and researching and then doing it myself (where applicable!), rather than watching a TV show or video, or just listening to someone else telling me. That way it sticks in my memory better.

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27th Feb 2015

You are lucky you had these 'wonderful' shows. In the '70s there were just 3 channels and for large chunks of the day all we had was the Testcard which scared the living daylights out of young me, waiting for Playschool or whatever to come on... An extremely creepy little girl sporting a serene Mona Lisa-esque smile (perhaps she's just murdered her family with scissors but is cool with that) playing noughts & crosses with a sinister paraplegic clown who probably only she can hear. Sheesh! Nightmares for bloody years. Didn't help of course that my Mum, who should have reassured me, settled me, also used to freak out at it!!! And then, when I was a bit older but still young enough to be disturbed, the TV used to go off for the night around midnight - sometimes earlier - with the national anthem, etc, that used to freak me out too. It was just so 'final'! So yay the '80s morning & daytime TV and later through the night too! :)

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19th Amy 2013

Abram Trek

Spent the last 45 mins reading reviews, both good and bad, of the new Trek film. I am really pleased I decided not to see it at the cinema as I was very disappointed in the first re-boot and this one seems like it's even worse. One review labelled JJ Abrams' Star Trek series: 'Dumb Trek'. From what I read on IMDB I now do not even want to rent this latest film, I do not want the thing in my house, or even want to know anything else about it. Abrams appears to be sticking his finger up to everything that has come before in favour of making just another action film with cliched comic relief one liners, loads of fighting and explosions, and characters no more complex than those in a Tom & Jerry cartoon. 'Wrath of Khan' is the best Trek film, anyone would tell you that (apart from all the newbs who converted after the 2009 horror) - this supposedly does that film a great disservice (let's just put it that way!) Heaven knows what he's going to do with Star Wars... How about a re-boot of reality without Mr Abrams..?

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1st August 2014

Well, yet another gathering next door, seems another kid's party taking place later. Don't even think it's one of theirs this time. Which inevitably also means an adult party going on well into the evening, with the ever present possibility of loud thumping bassy music, and me having to isolate myself aurally. My windows are now shut, despite the warm weather. Why do they have so many mass gatherings in their garden..? Why have they got to have so many friends and family round all the time? Why do they have so many BBQs all the time? Why do they have to get so damn loud at these things? Why do the kids have to scream like that, and why must the adults laugh so loud and annoyingly, the men's voices so deep..? Why..? Just because, I suppose... More importantly, why does it bother me so much, and why can't I just cope with it..?

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13th April 2014

Anti-Depressant Society

Yes, a 1000 times yes, that is just what is happening. Because we live in such an unequal world - we are told one thing, growing up (how great life can be) and then when we get there we find it is hard. Except for those privileged few it seems. Grass seems ever greener on the other side, till we get there, then it's just as brown... We're all chasing rainbows, life cannot possibly live up to it's own hype. Some of us (me included) cannot keep up with the pace of this world, so mental health issues arise...Anti-depressants are not a solution - fundamental equality, support for those less able and life chances need to be addressed... but they won't be any time soon, so the clock is ticking down. Let's hope we come out the other side of it as a race more or less intact and can finally evolve onward from there...

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Diary keeping and the situation

20^th October 2017

I have always been a big believer of writing things down. It preserves a nice record of stuff for yourself, and others, and also helps to sort out your thoughts. But I am struggling with my diary this year. I kept one when I was younger, between 1985-1992, then it was very patchy till around late '90s / early 2000s - but I wrote a lot of letters to pen-pals over the years, and especially since the late '90s, I have kept them saved digitally. So they are a bit like a diary. The letter writing has mostly dried up now, aside from the odd one a couple of times a year (I blame Facebook!) But in 2012 I started writing a diary again and kept it up regularly till end of last year / early this year. I've been terrible at it since about Spring time. I want to write stuff down, but I am overwhelmed by an extremely difficult family situation that has been ongoing for about 18 months now, and it has got harder and harder to think about it. It is a situation that I have no control over and the person who has the power to change it will constantly complain about it but takes no, or very little action. Seemingly oblivious of the effect it is having on the rest of the family. I cannot walk away from it, and it feels like an ever-lasting Limbo with no end in sight. It exhausts me telling others about it in detail, just thinking about it too, and I find the last thing I want to do is write it all down. It dominates my thoughts when I try to write a diary entry, overloads me. On days when I have to directly deal with it, ie, see or speak on the phone with the people involved, I am left emotionally and mentally drained. So I only make an occasional diary entry these days, and normally just about run of the mill, everyday stuff, TV shows I watched, etc, as I can't seem to sort my thoughts out properly. It's not like that's the only thing going on, maybe if it was, I could deal with it better. OK - I've written all of that without reading the article, merely reacting to the headline. Oh dear. I have now read the article and it's not actually about diary keeping at all, is it? Not that type of diary any way. What you're on about is a planner diary. That's difficult to do, well to stick with any way

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3rd June 2013

I’m so down and depressed at the moment. Days, weeks, months are passing by so fast, and I feel that I am filling them with a big fat nothing. My life is just passing me by. I feel something inside of me, like a sticky tar in my soul, pulling me down – I have urges to be creative, to be more active, to lose weight, to do different things, and ultimately try and find a job... but the tar in my soul is winning the struggle. My mind feels like it is swamped in the stuff, and I cannot think straight.

My mood is so low that I am even beginning to think ‘what is the point of me even being here?’ I feel like I am not really needed by the world and everywhere I turn people appear to be well adjusted and getting on with their lives. I know this isn’t really so.  I’m 41 now for goodness sake and though I have a degree and some other qualifications, I have been mostly unemployed for the past 21-22 years, having only worked a little bit. The last time I worked was in 1998. I feel that I have so much to give, but something within me is always holding me back.

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18th December 2014

I'm overweight, and have been for the past 20-odd years - I suppose I'm classed as obese though I hate the term - as I have gotten older the effects of this extra weight on my frame have become more and more uncomfortable and it's getting a bit debilitating now. It is very much a by-product of self neglect due to years of suffering from depression (using food as a crutch - a pick-me-up or even as a punishment) and being told there is no more support available for me yet not having the will or motivation, what with constant environmental and social pressures in my life, to really be able to lift myself out of it. I have tried, but can only get so far and then I seem to hit a wall. It has become a self perpetuating downward cycle.

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9th October 2014

My experience of CBT: When I had it in 2007 I had one-on-one sessions over a three month period, it was quite useful and helped me with anxiety issues I had at the time. I really appreciated the one-on-one approach. When I went back to my GP after my depression had worsened a few months ago I was informed I now had to self-refer. So I did so and waited some weeks for a response, then a few more weeks for an appointment. Eventually I saw someone who informed me that the one-on-one support no longer exists in this area and he seemed surprised I had it back in 2007. The only thing he offered me was a CBT Skills group / course, or computer CBT which I would do on my own from home. I opted for the group, and it was 5 weeks of the most excruciatingly boring glacial-paced, patronizing rubbish, half of each session caught up on what we covered last week, and there was a lengthy 'break' (mainly for smokers) in the middle of the two hours each time. Most of the techniques were things I was already aware of and couldn't get on with, which is why I went back to my GP in the first place. A couple of weeks after the course ended I received a telephone consultation from the doctor I had the initial referral appointment with, and he said 'according to the scores on the questionnaires you did throughout the course (extremely flawed method of collecting data!), you have got a lot better, so the course is a success - keep doing it and you'll be okay' and I was then discharged from their care... I am not okay, and not impressed, it was all so impersonal, and it has put me asking for further help and just made me feel like no one really cares...

My Old Twisted Mum

Note from me: There are some very negative and complicated feelings in this post, which I felt at that time. It is now 5 years later, and things have changed. Mum is in a better place, and the burden has been lifted from us significantly. the situation is still complex, but the bitter feelings I felt back then have lessened considerably. It must be borne in mind, that is how I felt then, and not now. 

Rod, March 2023

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It's your birthday tomorrow Mum, you're going to be 69. You're now only about 3½ years away from the age your own Mum, dear Nan, was when she passed away. Following the struggle of what to get you for Christmas, only a couple of weeks ago, we have really struggled to come up with birthday gifts for you. At one time, not so many years ago, you were easy to buy for - heck, you'd give us loads of ideas, and even a list to pick things from. You were still listening to music, watching TV shows and DVDs, and reading books. You were still going out and trying to enjoy life.

But now I feel like the best gift would be a T-Shirt with "I'm really ill, I've given up, and that's all I want to talk about (when I'm not being a bitch)" emblazoned on it. You have become so, so old Mum. You have done it to yourself - let it happen. Your illness is of your own making, and also of your own choosing is the way you still seek to control everything and everyone in some attempt to force us all into your truly messed-up little hell-world. The worst thing of all is that, so powerful are you and your influence, that you are succeeding in making those closest to you miserable. Constantly worried, sleepless, fearing what we will hear you have done next. Attacked Dad again, made him bleed some more..? Used the back garden as a toilet? Screamed obscenities as loud as you can into the street..?

And you're supported by a man who will do anything, even lie through his teeth for you because he knows no other life. What was once admirable, life-long devotion on his behalf is now absurd and foolishness. It is hard to feel sympathy for either of you. This is the life you've led, this is the end result of that life. Well done!

Your Jekyll and Hyde act is good enough to make us feel completely like liars when we meet with the doctors, the psychologists, the community care workers, when you're all smiles and positive with them and they say - yes, just a bit of depression and anxiety, when we all know it's much more than that. We are all so angry and frustrated, but at the same time, feel desperately hopeless... powerless - you hold us in this terrible air-less limbo, you evil woman, you know exactly what you're doing, don't you? It is not dementia, you've been tested. This is a ramping up of how you've been all your life.

I have never felt so utterly hopeless and depressed as I have done these past couple of years... because I have some of the crap you have, inside of me, in my head. It is horrible. I would rather die than turn into what you have become. I struggled with depression much of my life, and I cannot cope with you or the thought of becoming you. I do not have any strength in me these days. I feel like a spent force. It is all I can do to make it through each day. Christmas was a tremendous effort and worry, and I had so many sleepless or disturbed nights worrying, having nightmares, about what you were going to be like during the 'festive' season.

But you do not know me. You have never tried to know me. Neither has Dad. You only know the me you want to know. I must be such a disappointment.

It is hard to feel anything for you anymore, but that pretense must be maintained... for just a bit longer. Keep on smoking the way you are, and who knows..? Careful what you wish for Mum - you're not going to like 'real' illness...

So... we got you old lady presents, and an old lady card for your birthday. You are not fun anymore - you are a black hole - you are misery and oppressive to be around. It did not have to be this way. it is an awful, awful game you are playing with us all. And I wish I had never been born, so your shit hadn't passed to me or my kids, and my sweet wife hadn't had such a broken human being as her husband.

Some thoughts on some weird dreams I had...

Written by Rod, June 2009

This is a favourite one of mine from from years ago, I used it in a D&D game, and have plans to maybe include it in a weird story. I was a kid on a foreign-exchange trip in Japan, and was on the train with a load of Japanese school kids, we came to a halt in the countryside and everyone started getting off the train. We were on one side of a huge valley, in the centre of which was some massive construction work going on, except all the girders, and cranes, and stuff were all different colours, like lego blocks. Lots of workmen in yellow hard hats were busy at work, but dominating the scene was this humongous big brain, hovering over the valley. It had tendrils / nerves coming from it, and I noticed that each one was attached to one of the workers, like it was controlling them. Then more tendrils started coming towards my group on the valley side, and there was panic. Some people / kids were taken straight away, but myself and a group of other kids got the doors closed. We made our way through the train to the end, and then outside. We ran around the edge of the valley, trying to keep out of sight, till we came to some little creatures, who turned out to be Ewoks from Star Wars, who were fighting off the tendrils, and we joined in. Then the dream shifted slightly, the way that dreams do, and I was myself as an adult and jumping off a huge cliff and landing on the Millennium Falcon (also from Star Wars!) I felt relief at having escaped, but then as the spaceship went up through the atmosphere into space I became panicky and was suffocating. I woke up with a start!

As I say, I used the brain valley thing in a D&D game as it inspired me. I love weird stuff like that, and my dreams are often a source of inspiration for me. The thing that makes my scary dreams really scary though is the weird, surreal atmosphere and also the scary, ominous music which I get. When I was a bit younger I used to wake up and go straight on my keyboard or guitar and try to remember it and work it out. A couple of my earlier songs I've written feature some weird dream music, especially this one I called Him From Below, which was a dream (and subsequent song) based on the author HP Lovecraft's weird world full of Gothic horror and subterranean, ancient evil Gods.

In that particular dream, which I must have had when I was only about 16 or 17, I was going through underground tunnels and everything was covered in slime, and it was even all over me, dripping off. It was quite claustrophobic and a bit suffocating, and there was panicky overtones because I couldn't find the way out of where ever I was. Eventually I came to a large cavern, filled with the jelly-like slime, and there was some massive octopus-like creature with loads of tentacles, and it was sort of humming - the humming was both it breathing and speaking at the same time and it was describing all the possible and horrible things it could do to me. And that's when the scary music started, and I was suddenly in a car, driving frantically away from a cottage in the middle of nowhere. The cottage exploded behind me and all slime and big huge tentacles gushed out of it and started chasing the car I was driving, which promptly started running out of petrol. Not sure what happened next, but in the next bit of the dream I was in a city, wearing white robes with a red eye painted on the front, and I was shouting stuff about the end of the world and trying to hand out leaflets to passers by, who were beating me up all the time, whenever I tried to talk to them... And that was that dream.

To touch on a few other disturbing, weird ones I have had quickly... Getting shot in the head twice whilst lost in a big industrial estate and looking for my way back into town, seeing myself with multiple head wounds and acting as if nothing had happened... being stabbed slowly in the boys loos at school by some big fat ginger kid, and dying slowly to the music of "morning has broken"... waking up one morning and everyone else except me had no skin, their organs were all visible, and they just carried on as normal as if everything was okay... and a horrible recurring dream I had for many years when younger about awful things coming on the TV late at night, and the remote control won't work to switch it off, and so I try to unplug it, but the TV doesn't go off even after that, and it get's louder, and the freaky music starts and I am forced to watch - usually it's stuff like brain surgery or an amputation or execution, etc...

It is nice sometimes when you awaken in the night in the middle of a dream, and then pick up where you left off upon going back to sleep. Unless it's a nasty dream, in which case you don't want it to carry on! If you keep a dream diary for long enough, you will find that many of your dreams repeat or continue themselves at some point in your life, it's very interesting.

I find it's always the case that when I need to get up for the loo in the night I am always dreaming about going to the loo or trying to find a toilet just before waking up!! A very odd dream I had a few times years ago involved me relieving myself in public places, but instead of pee, loads of little streamers came out, like when you let off a party popper, and all the people around started clapping and laughing! Bizarre... :-))

OK, I will shut up now.

Conversation with Myself (written November 2015)

A Collection of Me

Rod Maughan

17/11/15

Time to split up my personalities

Into an assortment of pieces of me

They argue about values and possibilities

They’ll never stop till I cease to be

Time to take a look at what I all say

So many different questions come into play

So many different answers I can generate

Yet all the time conscious of just one Fate

For all the differences the blocks are the same

I self mutilate, I disable and I maim

Life chances may be few but hope does still remain

Do I want to turn it round or do I want to refrain?

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Black and White, Good and Bad

Side A - the ‘Good’ Guys

The Carer - Empathic, Friendly, Loving, Listening Rod

The Hero - Responsible, Righteous, Do-Good Rod

The Artist - Creative, Imaginative Rod

The Scholar - Intelligent, Inquisitive, Knowledge-Hungry Rod

The Optimist - Hopeful, Potential Rod

The Spiritual - Humble, Meek, Accepting Rod

The Jester - Fun-Loving, Happy, Care-Free Rod

Side B - the ‘Bad’ Guys

The Nothing - Apathetic, Hopeless, Depressed Rod

The Destroyer - Self-Hating, Self-Depreciating, Lack-of-Esteem Rod

Mr Angry - Raging, Intolerant, Nihilistic Rod

The Control Freak - Irritable, Impatient, Frustrated, Selfish Rod

The Green Monster - Resentful, Envious Rod

Mr Superior - Egotistical, Know-it-all, God-like Rod

Mr Paranoia - Self-Doubting, Untrusting, Cynical, Suspicious Rod

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The Carer - he wants what is best for others. He wants to help others, improve and make a difference to their lives. He enjoys listening to other’s stories about their past, he gives good empathy and others can trust in him. He is a loyal and good friend; he cares deeply, so deeply the emotion can sometimes overwhelm him.

The Hero - his goals may be unrealistic at times but he is sticking to them. He hates any injustice and cruelty - he wants to change the world for the better - be a force for good in the world, make a real difference. He is courageous and self-sacrificing and believes that all life forms deserve respect, equality and freedom.

The Artist - loves to create using his words primarily, music in the past. He has an incredible imagination and has no difficulty grasping weird, alien concepts - even if he doesn’t get it right away, he loves the aesthetic experience. He can lose himself in a book, a film or a computer game. He is a dreamer and creator of strange imaginary worlds and characters.

The Scholar - he is a scientist. He is logical and objective and applies the rules of science to his world around him. He has a thirst for learning new things and marvels at the new knowledge he discovers. He wants to share with others his knowledge, because knowledge = power and therefore freedom and possibilities, whilst ignorance leads nowhere.

The Optimist - yearns for a better future. He knows there is potential in everyone and in himself, if only it can be unlocked. He believes everyone has the power to self-actualise. He never gives up hope in the world and himself, no matter how bad things get, there will always be a brighter tomorrow possible and he always gives people the benefit of the doubt.

The Spiritual - he embraces the idea of the soul and a oneness with all things. He knows the meaning of life is to give meaning to your life and that the Journey is the important thing, not the destination. He knows his place in the universe and is content with that - he is overcome with great wonder and emotion when he thinks about the miracle of life. He is a pacifist and wants peace, understanding and unity for the world.

The Jester - delights in making others laugh and having fun. The more the merrier. At times his wit may be a little too abstract or clever for some, but he is more than willing to dumb it down to get the laughs coming in. He amuses himself too and can laugh (nicely) at himself - he loves it when he himself smiles and laughs, those times are priceless.

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The Nothing - like a suffocating blanket the nothing takes all light and air and energy. It appears like a sudden fog seeping up from within. It is cold, it is featureless and it is desolate. It feeds off apathy which makes it grow - its needs met so easily, it is the path of least resistance, the effortless slide into the blackest Abyss. It is a parasite from an alien place.

The Destroyer - is a destroyer of the self who thrives on self negativity and self hatred. He is seemingly only too happy to fail and learn nothing from the lesson, but rather accept it and embrace the pain of yet another failure as his lot in life. He hurts himself emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. He is a friend to no-one and just wants to keep suffering; he wears his defeats like badges of honour.

Mr Angry - he rages at other people, at himself, and the world in general. His anger is unsurpassed and immeasurable. He wants to shake people till they see sense or till their necks snap. He wants to shake himself - he wants to shout louder than anyone ever has. So unjust and unfair has this world been to him, his violent temper will tear the world apart. He is fury unbound, is so frightening and must be kept in check constantly.

The Control Freak - has no time for the imperfection and lack of knowledge or wisdom of others and seeks to control the world because only he knows best how to do so. He is the one who enforces counting, odds and evens, where to look or step and where not to, or something bad will happen he threatens. He cannot settle till everything is ‘just so’, and if it isn’t, or cannot be brought to order, then he has no time for that and dismisses the whole thing as a write-off, not worthy of his attention...

The Green Monster - craves that which others have got with a great unhealthy desire. He thinks that he deserves it more, he should have this, and the others do not deserve it (whether it is material wealth, possessions or simply happiness and opportunities in life). He hates and mistrusts other people who have more than him. He is so ugly and he knows it; he must be shunned, kept out of the light.

Mr Superior - with seemingly noble intentions, Mr S quickly shows his true colours. He is egotistical beyond compare. He looks down on others. He knows best, he has a plan for all things, but is always on shaky ground. He lives in fear that his bluff will be called and he will be exposed as the fraud he is. He is a jack of all trades, master of none. Worst of all he embellishes stories, exaggerates things, to make him look better, even when not needed.

Mr Paranoid - sickly and pale, Mr P expects the worst from others. He does not trust them - surely they only mean to harm him, they are judging, talking about him, looking at him - he cannot stand it. He does not even trust himself with his own decision making - he does not trust that he will ever make anything of himself. Suspicious of everyone, even himself, Mr P hides in the darkness afraid of his own shadow.

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It is easy to see how these archetypes overlay and interact with each other creating the rich tapestry of myself. And also how such a complex weave is nigh impossible to keep track of. Positive traits mix with negative, sometimes to good effect, but sometimes with disastrous effect. With such complexity it is a wonder I have got anywhere in life. But other people have this sort of set-up too (I assume!) How on Earth do they manage to live their lives, to be successful, or even get any traction off the starting blocks? Do they just ignore it or are they blissfully ignorant of their deeper selves..? Why aren’t I? Truly there were times earlier on in my life when this multitude of traits didn’t hold me up and I just kind of went with the flow... Why is there no flow anymore? I have stopped it - I must have done. Either through unresolved blocks which have built up over a life time, or consciously - maybe because I have ‘given up?’ Life’s too hard to even try any more. Yes the negative side has indeed got the upper hand these past years... but the positive side is still there, and needs to be freed. The positive side is what makes things happen - whether they end up as good or bad outcomes is less important really, as long as my life is moving again. If a good outcome: fantastic. If a bad outcome: learn from it and keep moving. So... the conversation / interview between the two estranged halves of Rod...

Positive Rod is sitting up straight, he is smartly dressed and has a smile on his face and gleam in his eyes. He is close shaven, and has used Just For Men to get rid of all the grey in his hair, and has been losing weight for some time. This makes him feel more confident. He is alert, refreshed and attentive - looking forward to engaging in the conversation, open to possibilities and hopeful about helping his counterpart whom he cares for deeply.

Negative Rod is kind of slouched. His back hurts, his hips, his knees - everything aches. He feels bloated and he is rather disgusted with himself and his appearance. He is scruffy-looking, unshaven, unwashed for a few days. He feels fat and ugly and is embarrassed to have gone out in public to get to this meeting. He wonders why he bothered. He is prepared to be irritated by Positive Rod - prepared to stubbornly defend his position, if only with ‘just because’. If all else fails, there’s always ‘just because’ to fall back on.

Welcome to you both. Can we start by asking what you both hope to get from this conversation?

PR - I would like to let NR know that I am prepared to be his friend. I would like to help him to help himself - lend my positive traits for the benefit of the whole. I wish he would use me more and not so sparingly. The potential is great if we work together.

NR - Well, yes, we are in the same mind. I do appreciate and use some traits from PR as supports - I am not in complete denial. But at the same time, I am conscious of trying to be something that I am not. Worried about rocking the boat (and even falling out) I have come to a place where I am starting to accept my lot in life and make peace with that. I’m a small fish in a big ocean, it is unrealistic and frankly too much effort to try and be any more. Those dreams of my younger days are now history.

PR - That makes me sad to hear you talk like that. There is always potential for more and nothing is impossible.

NR - I am not denying that. I am only saying, not for me. You can try and support me all you want, but I have proven again and again that I get so far along and then snap back like I’m attached to a rubber band.

PR - We need to cut that rubber band. There was a time, when you were a lot younger, when it was not really a thing.

NR - No. It has been there most of my life. It’s part of me - the part that keeps me from over-stretching and failing even more drastically.

PR - What the hell? Such faulty thinking. For one who helps write such intelligent words coming from a combination of life experience, psychology and spirituality - you are a master of alternative thinking. You tell others to think for themselves, not follow blindly the words of others. You know how to think outside of the box, because we do it together.

NR - Whatever.

Okay, let’s actually get to the heart of the matter - what I want to know is what you would like from each other - what you need from your other half, that you feel would be beneficial to helping solve this life crisis? Perhaps there’s some common ground you can meet and work better together for yourself...

NR - I would like Him to get off his high horse of unrealistic expectations and ultra morality and face the fact that -

No, that is what you want him to do. What do you need from him..?

NR - .................................

PR - I need him to start having more faith in us again, believing in ourselves. My helping hand is there and I wish he would take it more often. Not just in the smaller things, but in the grand scheme of our life. We have done well in past endeavours, we can do well - even better - in the future, if only you could have more faith and trust in me. I am there for you, I don’t want to see you miserable.

NR - I want help and support, that is true. Perhaps more help and support than he can give.

PR - I can give as much as you’ll ever need.

NR - The negativity is so strong. The comfort zone is so safe and warm and known. From it I can still reach out and do good things, make an impact on the world.

PR - I don’t want to ‘bargain’ with you like this, it’s so desperate sounding. I know you want an easy life, which is saddening, but you’re selling yourself short. You like a good challenge, and a comfort zone is easily changed or expanded. Remember when your comfort zone used to include a whole university? How comfortable and safe you would feel within its walls, like a second home! Or at college. Or at the MS Centre, same thing, and with all those people coming and going all the time - you used to really like meeting the new starters and training up other operators. Let me help you on the next adventure and let it lead somewhere new and exciting.

NR - Yeah, I am negative Rod, but not stupid Rod. I do acknowledge that and I do want that for us again. But it will be a temporary thing. Maybe it’s my age now, nearly 44 - I know that’s not old, but you have to admit, it’s getting to be not young any more either. Especially the way I feel inside. So all these temporary things... all these false starts... A lot of effort expended to just end up back at square one again.

PR - Listen, the truth is I don’t care if we embark on another 20 temporary things - those things will be just as valuable as one permanent thing, say a career. Don’t get me wrong - I think you could, you should, have a career as something - a care worker, a counsellor, a psychologist, a teacher, a medical researcher, an author, a librarian... you know what our strong points are, what we could potentially do. BUT if all we ever do are temporary, voluntary things - if you put your all into it - I will be just as happy for us. Because it will be so meaningful. You don’t get it - just stop doing nothing and start some movement going.

NR - Yeah, I guess...

What do you both feel you would bring to the table that would enable you two to work better as a whole? Any traits in particular..?

PR - Enthusiasm, self confidence, energy.

NR - Energy? Remember we’re both is this same body...

PR - Yes, the drive is there mentally, just needs honing. The physical energy would come back with time, when physical changes are made (ie, losing weight)

NR - I know I am so fat. I know the battle of the mind must be won first. It’s too hard.

PR - Not if you let me help you.

NR - But you’re me and I’m you!! I don’t want to be helped.

PR - You really do though, don’t you? You know you do. You know only you, well we, can help us when it comes right down to it. We’ve written it down and said it to others many times - others can show us the door, even help us pick the lock, but it is we who have to walk through it.

NR - The resistance is so powerful though, and I can’t fight it. I don’t know how to take your hand, I can’t find it in the dark, everything’s so intangible, so vague, I don’t recognise myself. I don’t know who I really am, and I am not sure I ever really knew myself... I must have been living it all wrong. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live..! (starts sobbing...)

PR reaches out to comfort NR, but NR pulls away, immediately wishing he hadn’t. There is a brief interlude to regain composure.

So, just to continue from before, can I now ask you NR what you feel you might contribute to PR, towards making a better whole person? What traits in particular?

NR - Pragmatism, realism, grounding. Not over extending oneself beyond what is within one’s capabilities. I know He’s going to say something like - ‘you don’t know unless you try, you should never stop trying’, etc - but he would spend his life jumping up to try and catch the Moon in a butterfly net or crusading to make everybody vegetarian. Yes, there’s truth and strength and even Wisdom in some of his traits and words, but there is also an air of fantasy to it. I am sure we can both agree on the Yin and Yang thing - there is darkness in light, and light in darkness, you can’t have one without the other. We both accept that, yes?

PR - Yes, I know that is so. And I am sorry if I irritate you. How can I not want for the best though? How can I betray those principles I stand for?

NR - Well, you don’t have to. You only need to tone them down a bit so you’re not shouting them in my face whenever I glance in your direction.

PR - ..............................................

NR - You know... I think I do remarkably well most days considering all the turmoil and darkness I have inside. The Artist in you borrows heavily from The Nothing in me.

PR - And your Mr Angry, Mr Paranoia and the Green Monster are soothed by my Spirituality and reason.

So you both recognise that you are already helping each other all the time?

Rod - I am a human being, for better or for worse. I have many sides to me. There are not only these archetypes within me, but also the many masks that I wear. The many faces I portray. I am not perfect. But I am not worthless. Like everyone, I fall somewhere along that spectrum. My negative side has been more powerful, because it requires less effort to fuel it. My positive side is still there and wants more for me. If I am honest my Positive side is disgusted at my Negative side, the weight, the depression, the pathetic waste of life. And conversely my Negative side is in denial of the positive side because it is an uncomfortable reminder of how better I could / should be with effort...

***********************************

Ten Years Past

By Rod Maughan

09/06/2000

(A reaction from the 18 year old me of 1990 to the 28 year old me of 2000)

I heard you were looking for me, enquiring about who you used to be

Something colourful - get yourself seen... Well I wonder if you could still do that...

I heard you’d got into a big mess and that now you like yourself a whole lot less

It came as a surprise I must confess; yeah I wonder how you got yourself in trouble like that

You may be older and wiser than me

But you’ve only got a fraction of my energy

You’ve got the experience and maturity

But you’ll never be able to run like me

I am the You of ten years ago

Why the Hell did you let me go?

Now you come crawling back but things are not the same

You’ve got a lot of work to do to get back in the Game

Are you afraid to walk the old walk, can you remember to talk the old talk?

It seems a hundred years since we were united; yeah, I’m not sure if I want you back

I had dreams and such high expectations but then you ‘emerged’ and they all disappeared

Seemed on the right track but then got lost - talk to me in your mind; visit me in your dreams

If we can think past the image then you might be alright

Maybe I can use you in the fight

No, I know it’s our fight - it’s the big fight

One big fight for all that is right

I used to ride like the wind, nobody stood before me

I was like pure energy and the world would know my wrath!

I would go and make a difference, I would fight all injustice

I would take a big stand for everything I believed in

But what do you do? You never practice what you preach

You’re so afraid of everything, you’re even afraid of yourself

But there is still potential, combing old with new

We could forge a better person... but you have to want it too...

25 Years (a sequel of sorts...)

By Rod Maughan

17/11/2015

2015

The years have flown, but my dreams never took off

Here I am, still grounded, still not aloft

2000

I could have predicted this - I knew life was a bust

And I tried to warn you, but you just could not trust...

2015

And so here I am sitting, all reflecting and sad

Mourning the lost years I feel I never really had

2000

Well I tried to tell you, through vision and words

But you were unreachable and you thought me absurd

1990

So let me get this straight, and I’m trying not to hate

You’re now 15 more years on - don’t you think it’s getting late?

I’d need the patience of a saint to understand all your complaints

But I’m just a young man trying to enjoy my life...

2015

My envy is lich-like, I crave for what had so briefly been

I need your life and energy, yet I deserve nothing so serene

2000

He does not heed your words; he deserves to be kept blind

What he don’t know can’t hurt him, the Fate he has been assigned

1990

Don’t you talk about me like I am not even there!

Don’t think for one second that I don’t have a care

Where do you think you came from, the both of you that mope?

It’s not my fault you’ve screwed it up and given up your hope

2015

So when you run, when you feel strong

Feel the youthful energy course through your body

You deserve nothing less, I want it for you

Be the best 18 year old Rodney Maughan

2000

I had my song, I had my days

I made mistakes that you’re still paying for today

He is our hope in the future-past

This idealised young version of Rod Maughan

1990

You bring me fear, you bring me pain

I try to see things through your eyes but I’m dismayed

All I can do is try to live my life

And I remain the young man Rodney Maughan

****************************************************

Thoughts

by Rod Maughan

11/11/90

1              I think you should know, before you have a go

                That I've been put down - right down to the ground

                And though I know you can't see, there's no-one else that I could be

                I know that in my own heart I'm standing right back at the start

2              Life is a game, nothing more - I cannot tell you what lies in store

                But there are more rules than anything else...

                And the rules are all there - we know; we've felt

                So it's time to roll the dice again

Br            You plunder blindly on but you can never win

                So you look for a point but you know there is none

                And you think about death and there is nowhere to run

3              Fear plays in your mind

                Confusion melts your logic

                Hatred slices at your heart

                Desire fires you like heroin

                Depression takes your spirit away

                Turmoil eats your inner soul

                Ignorance stares you in the face

                And you know you've lost the human race!

4              Hope shines so far, far away

                Temptation makes you want to cry

                Love is hatred in disguise

                Pain is your drug - it keeps you going

                Anguish - oh you'd love to kill

                Happiness proves to be another illusion

                Sorrow, you cannot cry any more

                You don't even know what this punishment is for!

Instru

5              The anger plays inside your mind - it's bouncing about in your brain

                The anger is trying to escape your mind - it's disintegrating your brain

                Let it out - let it free - but do it slowly

                Let it out - let it free - but do it slowly

This song I’ve included here - “Thoughts” - is one that I can now look back on in wonder. At the time I wrote it, it was merely a collection of random ideas and thoughts. But in retrospect the nearly 19 year old Rod wrote some words which seem quite prophetic. I can look back on them and relate them to various times between then and now. It also shows that even back then I saw anger as a negative thing and sought to cage it, bind it and keep it hidden away. Or at best, release it slowly and in a controlled way. On another note, no pun intended, I wish I could remember how to play it, especially the faster parts!