**********************
6th
Sept 2012
On a day
like today nothing is right and all is wrong. I was okay, but now I am not - my
beloved wife is so down and depressed, and so I am too. She sleeps the whole
day through, and doesn’t eat... I just do nothing but mess about on my
computer, taking absolutely no joy from it whatsoever. The Sun is shining
outside; it is a warm late Summer day and I intended to go for a walk, in fact
part of me ached to do that... but another part of me, the part where the
blackness resides, stopped me from doing it... as though to punish myself..?
Why? I just hope Mandy feels better soon. She is such a lovely person and I
love her so much, it pains me immensely to hear her talk of herself in such a
negative way as she did earlier on. I don’t know how much more of this ‘nothing’
life I can take, I really don’t. I might as well be dead.
December 2017
We all have different
learning styles - the way we take in and process information and commit it to
memory (or not!) Primarily there are three - listening, seeing and tactile /
hands-on experience. Many people have a preference, but we tend to use a bit of
everything in varying amounts. With me I have always found that i do not really
get on with just being 'told' things by others - I like to find things out for
myself. Reading and researching and then doing it myself (where applicable!),
rather than watching a TV show or video, or just listening to someone else
telling me. That way it sticks in my memory better.
**********************
27th Feb 2015
You are lucky you had these 'wonderful' shows. In the
'70s there were just 3 channels and for large chunks of the day all we had was
the Testcard which scared the living daylights out of young me, waiting for
Playschool or whatever to come on... An extremely creepy little girl sporting a
serene Mona Lisa-esque smile (perhaps she's just murdered her family with
scissors but is cool with that) playing noughts & crosses with a sinister
paraplegic clown who probably only she can hear. Sheesh! Nightmares for bloody
years. Didn't help of course that my Mum, who should have reassured me, settled
me, also used to freak out at it!!! And then, when I was a bit older but still
young enough to be disturbed, the TV used to go off for the night around
midnight - sometimes earlier - with the national anthem, etc, that used to
freak me out too. It was just so 'final'! So yay the '80s morning & daytime
TV and later through the night too! :)
**********************
19th Amy 2013
Abram Trek
Spent the last 45 mins reading reviews, both good and
bad, of the new Trek film. I am really pleased I decided not to see it at the
cinema as I was very disappointed in the first re-boot and this one seems like
it's even worse. One review labelled JJ Abrams' Star Trek series: 'Dumb Trek'.
From what I read on IMDB I now do not even want to rent this latest film, I do
not want the thing in my house, or even want to know anything else about it.
Abrams appears to be sticking his finger up to everything that has come before
in favour of making just another action film with cliched comic relief one
liners, loads of fighting and explosions, and characters no more complex than
those in a Tom & Jerry cartoon. 'Wrath of Khan' is the best Trek film,
anyone would tell you that (apart from all the newbs who converted after the
2009 horror) - this supposedly does that film a great disservice (let's just
put it that way!) Heaven knows what he's going to do with Star Wars... How
about a re-boot of reality without Mr Abrams..?
**********************
1st August 2014
Well, yet another gathering next door, seems another kid's
party taking place later. Don't even think it's one of theirs this time. Which
inevitably also means an adult party going on well into the evening, with the
ever present possibility of loud thumping bassy music, and me having to isolate
myself aurally. My windows are now shut, despite the warm weather. Why do they
have so many mass gatherings in their garden..? Why have they got to have so
many friends and family round all the time? Why do they have so many BBQs all
the time? Why do they have to get so damn loud at these things? Why do the kids
have to scream like that, and why must the adults laugh so loud and annoyingly,
the men's voices so deep..? Why..? Just because, I suppose... More importantly,
why does it bother me so much, and why can't I just cope with it..?
**********************
13th April 2014
Anti-Depressant Society
Yes, a 1000 times yes, that is just what is happening.
Because we live in such an unequal world - we are told one thing, growing up
(how great life can be) and then when we get there we find it is hard. Except
for those privileged few it seems. Grass seems ever greener on the other side,
till we get there, then it's just as brown... We're all chasing rainbows, life
cannot possibly live up to it's own hype. Some of us (me included) cannot keep
up with the pace of this world, so mental health issues arise...Anti-depressants
are not a solution - fundamental equality, support for those less able and life
chances need to be addressed... but they won't be any time soon, so the clock
is ticking down. Let's hope we come out the other side of it as a race more or
less intact and can finally evolve onward from there...
**********************
Diary
keeping and the situation
20th
October 2017
I
have always been a big believer of writing things down. It preserves a nice
record of stuff for yourself, and others, and also helps to sort out your
thoughts. But I am struggling with my diary this year. I kept one when I was
younger, between 1985-1992, then it was very patchy till around late '90s /
early 2000s - but I wrote a lot of letters to pen-pals over the years, and
especially since the late '90s, I have kept them saved digitally. So they are a
bit like a diary. The letter writing has mostly dried up now, aside from the
odd one a couple of times a year (I blame Facebook!) But in 2012 I started
writing a diary again and kept it up regularly till end of last year / early
this year. I've been terrible at it since about Spring time. I want to write
stuff down, but I am overwhelmed by an extremely difficult family situation
that has been ongoing for about 18 months now, and it has got harder and harder
to think about it. It is a situation that I have no control over and the person
who has the power to change it will constantly complain about it but takes no,
or very little action. Seemingly oblivious of the effect it is having on the
rest of the family. I cannot walk away from it, and it feels like an
ever-lasting Limbo with no end in sight. It exhausts me telling others about it
in detail, just thinking about it too, and I find the last thing I want to do
is write it all down. It dominates my thoughts when I try to write a diary
entry, overloads me. On days when I have to directly deal with it, ie, see or
speak on the phone with the people involved, I am left emotionally and mentally
drained. So I only make an occasional diary entry these days, and normally just
about run of the mill, everyday stuff, TV shows I watched, etc, as I can't seem
to sort my thoughts out properly. It's not like that's the only thing going on,
maybe if it was, I could deal with it better. OK - I've written all of that
without reading the article, merely reacting to the headline. Oh dear. I have
now read the article and it's not actually about diary keeping at all, is it?
Not that type of diary any way. What you're on about is a planner diary. That's
difficult to do, well to stick with any way
**********************
3rd June 2013
I’m
so down and depressed at the moment. Days, weeks, months are passing by so
fast, and I feel that I am filling them with a big fat nothing. My life is just
passing me by. I feel something inside of me, like a sticky tar in my soul,
pulling me down – I have urges to be creative, to be more active, to lose
weight, to do different things, and ultimately try and find a job... but the
tar in my soul is winning the struggle. My mind feels like it is swamped in the
stuff, and I cannot think straight.
My
mood is so low that I am even beginning to think ‘what is the point of me even
being here?’ I feel like I am not really needed by the world and everywhere I
turn people appear to be well adjusted and getting on with their lives. I know
this isn’t really so. I’m 41 now for
goodness sake and though I have a degree and some other qualifications, I have
been mostly unemployed for the past 21-22 years, having only worked a little
bit. The last time I worked was in 1998. I feel that I have so much to give,
but something within me is always holding me back.
**********************
18th December 2014
I'm overweight, and have been for the past 20-odd years - I
suppose I'm classed as obese though I hate the term - as I have gotten older
the effects of this extra weight on my frame have become more and more
uncomfortable and it's getting a bit debilitating now. It is very much a
by-product of self neglect due to years of suffering from depression (using
food as a crutch - a pick-me-up or even as a punishment) and being told there
is no more support available for me yet not having the will or motivation, what
with constant environmental and social pressures in my life, to really be able
to lift myself out of it. I have tried, but can only get so far and then I seem
to hit a wall. It has become a self perpetuating downward cycle.
**********************
9th October 2014
My experience of CBT: When I had it in 2007 I had one-on-one
sessions over a three month period, it was quite useful and helped me with
anxiety issues I had at the time. I really appreciated the one-on-one approach.
When I went back to my GP after my depression had worsened a few months ago I
was informed I now had to self-refer. So I did so and waited some weeks for a
response, then a few more weeks for an appointment. Eventually I saw someone
who informed me that the one-on-one support no longer exists in this area and
he seemed surprised I had it back in 2007. The only thing he offered me was a
CBT Skills group / course, or computer CBT which I would do on my own from
home. I opted for the group, and it was 5 weeks of the most excruciatingly
boring glacial-paced, patronizing rubbish, half of each session caught up on
what we covered last week, and there was a lengthy 'break' (mainly for smokers)
in the middle of the two hours each time. Most of the techniques were things I
was already aware of and couldn't get on with, which is why I went back to my
GP in the first place. A couple of weeks after the course ended I received a
telephone consultation from the doctor I had the initial referral appointment
with, and he said 'according to the scores on the questionnaires you did
throughout the course (extremely flawed method of collecting data!), you have
got a lot better, so the course is a success - keep doing it and you'll be
okay' and I was then discharged from their care... I am not okay, and not impressed,
it was all so impersonal, and it has put me asking for further help and just
made me feel like no one really cares...
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