On days like today... everything feels off. My brain feel askew in my skull, my senses feel unwieldy and my body doesn't feel like my own. I feel heavy. Words comes readily but they all sound wrong and cause me to question them. And if my own self feels clunky and alien to me, how can I expect my interactions with others to be smooth and pain free? Everything feels like it's a misunderstanding - the language feels like it is correct, the meaning seems true, but something gets confused along the way... somehow. I say too much. or I don't say enough. Or not of the right things... the emphasis is misplaced, or perhaps thin on the ground.
I just feel so awkward in the world, like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.
It's all a contradiction. How can I both want to feel a part of something and the need to interact with people, but at the same time, feel the need to be just left alone? What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I know I can be spiky and standoff-ish and push people away, whilst at the same time I can put over a feeling of warmth and welcoming, of friendship and an empathy. So that attracts others. But it is like the lure of an angler fish - enticing, the promise of good things, But then the rotten insides start to reveal themselves to the new prize, slowly ruining it. And yeah, it feels like the reverse Midas touch - everything I touch turns to shit. Not at first - at first I improve it, and I lift people, and they get swept up and carried along by my creative energy... But I'm a one-trick pony. And once the trick has been shown off a few times... that's it. All I know how to do after that if gradually erode away at the thing till it's not what it was.
Some sort of vampire. Some sort of parasite. Some sort of social monster, just a broken human being who doesn't really fit into the world or know how to 'people' properly. Not over the long term at any rate.
What am I supposed to do?
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