It really has been a while. Longer than I thought actually. So much isn't here...
Last year (2019) I lost friends, including one very special one. And for a long time I blamed myself, Whilst yes, I am largely to blame, I am not totally to blame. Hard to accept that. But I had a nervous breakdown - life got too much. My behaviour was erratic, all over the place - I wasn't me.She had other things going on too in her life.
Fate decided despite how right we were as friends, that it would all go wrong.
The end result was, I had my heart not just broken but smashed into tiny pieces. It has taken over a year now to start putting the pieces back together, to start healing - and it is an ongoing process. Some days I can be stronger than others - on the bad days, it feels so wrong, it shouldn't have happened, I just want to go back and change things...
But other friends, my dear dear friends, and of course my wife Mandy, have helped me so much. I am so grateful to have their love, strength and support around me.
The experience has taught me a powerful lesson about friendship, and not taking anything for granted. It has taught me to be more positive around people, and less needy. More kind to others as well as to myself.
I still wish for the people I lost to be back in my life, but I fear they have made their decision, and made their minds up about me. I am a good person, and I can be a great friend. I was just going through a very bad patch. But I have to accept that they are probably gone forever now.
And it is about moving on. Turning the pain inside into fond memories of a time and of people in my life who I was so lucky to know. Try to turn the negative to a positive, try to enjoy what I have got, and not dwell on what I lost.
I can do it.
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