Conversation with Myself (written November 2015)

A Collection of Me

Rod Maughan

17/11/15

Time to split up my personalities

Into an assortment of pieces of me

They argue about values and possibilities

They’ll never stop till I cease to be

Time to take a look at what I all say

So many different questions come into play

So many different answers I can generate

Yet all the time conscious of just one Fate

For all the differences the blocks are the same

I self mutilate, I disable and I maim

Life chances may be few but hope does still remain

Do I want to turn it round or do I want to refrain?

**********************************

Black and White, Good and Bad

Side A - the ‘Good’ Guys

The Carer - Empathic, Friendly, Loving, Listening Rod

The Hero - Responsible, Righteous, Do-Good Rod

The Artist - Creative, Imaginative Rod

The Scholar - Intelligent, Inquisitive, Knowledge-Hungry Rod

The Optimist - Hopeful, Potential Rod

The Spiritual - Humble, Meek, Accepting Rod

The Jester - Fun-Loving, Happy, Care-Free Rod

Side B - the ‘Bad’ Guys

The Nothing - Apathetic, Hopeless, Depressed Rod

The Destroyer - Self-Hating, Self-Depreciating, Lack-of-Esteem Rod

Mr Angry - Raging, Intolerant, Nihilistic Rod

The Control Freak - Irritable, Impatient, Frustrated, Selfish Rod

The Green Monster - Resentful, Envious Rod

Mr Superior - Egotistical, Know-it-all, God-like Rod

Mr Paranoia - Self-Doubting, Untrusting, Cynical, Suspicious Rod

**********************************

The Carer - he wants what is best for others. He wants to help others, improve and make a difference to their lives. He enjoys listening to other’s stories about their past, he gives good empathy and others can trust in him. He is a loyal and good friend; he cares deeply, so deeply the emotion can sometimes overwhelm him.

The Hero - his goals may be unrealistic at times but he is sticking to them. He hates any injustice and cruelty - he wants to change the world for the better - be a force for good in the world, make a real difference. He is courageous and self-sacrificing and believes that all life forms deserve respect, equality and freedom.

The Artist - loves to create using his words primarily, music in the past. He has an incredible imagination and has no difficulty grasping weird, alien concepts - even if he doesn’t get it right away, he loves the aesthetic experience. He can lose himself in a book, a film or a computer game. He is a dreamer and creator of strange imaginary worlds and characters.

The Scholar - he is a scientist. He is logical and objective and applies the rules of science to his world around him. He has a thirst for learning new things and marvels at the new knowledge he discovers. He wants to share with others his knowledge, because knowledge = power and therefore freedom and possibilities, whilst ignorance leads nowhere.

The Optimist - yearns for a better future. He knows there is potential in everyone and in himself, if only it can be unlocked. He believes everyone has the power to self-actualise. He never gives up hope in the world and himself, no matter how bad things get, there will always be a brighter tomorrow possible and he always gives people the benefit of the doubt.

The Spiritual - he embraces the idea of the soul and a oneness with all things. He knows the meaning of life is to give meaning to your life and that the Journey is the important thing, not the destination. He knows his place in the universe and is content with that - he is overcome with great wonder and emotion when he thinks about the miracle of life. He is a pacifist and wants peace, understanding and unity for the world.

The Jester - delights in making others laugh and having fun. The more the merrier. At times his wit may be a little too abstract or clever for some, but he is more than willing to dumb it down to get the laughs coming in. He amuses himself too and can laugh (nicely) at himself - he loves it when he himself smiles and laughs, those times are priceless.

*******************************

The Nothing - like a suffocating blanket the nothing takes all light and air and energy. It appears like a sudden fog seeping up from within. It is cold, it is featureless and it is desolate. It feeds off apathy which makes it grow - its needs met so easily, it is the path of least resistance, the effortless slide into the blackest Abyss. It is a parasite from an alien place.

The Destroyer - is a destroyer of the self who thrives on self negativity and self hatred. He is seemingly only too happy to fail and learn nothing from the lesson, but rather accept it and embrace the pain of yet another failure as his lot in life. He hurts himself emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. He is a friend to no-one and just wants to keep suffering; he wears his defeats like badges of honour.

Mr Angry - he rages at other people, at himself, and the world in general. His anger is unsurpassed and immeasurable. He wants to shake people till they see sense or till their necks snap. He wants to shake himself - he wants to shout louder than anyone ever has. So unjust and unfair has this world been to him, his violent temper will tear the world apart. He is fury unbound, is so frightening and must be kept in check constantly.

The Control Freak - has no time for the imperfection and lack of knowledge or wisdom of others and seeks to control the world because only he knows best how to do so. He is the one who enforces counting, odds and evens, where to look or step and where not to, or something bad will happen he threatens. He cannot settle till everything is ‘just so’, and if it isn’t, or cannot be brought to order, then he has no time for that and dismisses the whole thing as a write-off, not worthy of his attention...

The Green Monster - craves that which others have got with a great unhealthy desire. He thinks that he deserves it more, he should have this, and the others do not deserve it (whether it is material wealth, possessions or simply happiness and opportunities in life). He hates and mistrusts other people who have more than him. He is so ugly and he knows it; he must be shunned, kept out of the light.

Mr Superior - with seemingly noble intentions, Mr S quickly shows his true colours. He is egotistical beyond compare. He looks down on others. He knows best, he has a plan for all things, but is always on shaky ground. He lives in fear that his bluff will be called and he will be exposed as the fraud he is. He is a jack of all trades, master of none. Worst of all he embellishes stories, exaggerates things, to make him look better, even when not needed.

Mr Paranoid - sickly and pale, Mr P expects the worst from others. He does not trust them - surely they only mean to harm him, they are judging, talking about him, looking at him - he cannot stand it. He does not even trust himself with his own decision making - he does not trust that he will ever make anything of himself. Suspicious of everyone, even himself, Mr P hides in the darkness afraid of his own shadow.

************************************

It is easy to see how these archetypes overlay and interact with each other creating the rich tapestry of myself. And also how such a complex weave is nigh impossible to keep track of. Positive traits mix with negative, sometimes to good effect, but sometimes with disastrous effect. With such complexity it is a wonder I have got anywhere in life. But other people have this sort of set-up too (I assume!) How on Earth do they manage to live their lives, to be successful, or even get any traction off the starting blocks? Do they just ignore it or are they blissfully ignorant of their deeper selves..? Why aren’t I? Truly there were times earlier on in my life when this multitude of traits didn’t hold me up and I just kind of went with the flow... Why is there no flow anymore? I have stopped it - I must have done. Either through unresolved blocks which have built up over a life time, or consciously - maybe because I have ‘given up?’ Life’s too hard to even try any more. Yes the negative side has indeed got the upper hand these past years... but the positive side is still there, and needs to be freed. The positive side is what makes things happen - whether they end up as good or bad outcomes is less important really, as long as my life is moving again. If a good outcome: fantastic. If a bad outcome: learn from it and keep moving. So... the conversation / interview between the two estranged halves of Rod...

Positive Rod is sitting up straight, he is smartly dressed and has a smile on his face and gleam in his eyes. He is close shaven, and has used Just For Men to get rid of all the grey in his hair, and has been losing weight for some time. This makes him feel more confident. He is alert, refreshed and attentive - looking forward to engaging in the conversation, open to possibilities and hopeful about helping his counterpart whom he cares for deeply.

Negative Rod is kind of slouched. His back hurts, his hips, his knees - everything aches. He feels bloated and he is rather disgusted with himself and his appearance. He is scruffy-looking, unshaven, unwashed for a few days. He feels fat and ugly and is embarrassed to have gone out in public to get to this meeting. He wonders why he bothered. He is prepared to be irritated by Positive Rod - prepared to stubbornly defend his position, if only with ‘just because’. If all else fails, there’s always ‘just because’ to fall back on.

Welcome to you both. Can we start by asking what you both hope to get from this conversation?

PR - I would like to let NR know that I am prepared to be his friend. I would like to help him to help himself - lend my positive traits for the benefit of the whole. I wish he would use me more and not so sparingly. The potential is great if we work together.

NR - Well, yes, we are in the same mind. I do appreciate and use some traits from PR as supports - I am not in complete denial. But at the same time, I am conscious of trying to be something that I am not. Worried about rocking the boat (and even falling out) I have come to a place where I am starting to accept my lot in life and make peace with that. I’m a small fish in a big ocean, it is unrealistic and frankly too much effort to try and be any more. Those dreams of my younger days are now history.

PR - That makes me sad to hear you talk like that. There is always potential for more and nothing is impossible.

NR - I am not denying that. I am only saying, not for me. You can try and support me all you want, but I have proven again and again that I get so far along and then snap back like I’m attached to a rubber band.

PR - We need to cut that rubber band. There was a time, when you were a lot younger, when it was not really a thing.

NR - No. It has been there most of my life. It’s part of me - the part that keeps me from over-stretching and failing even more drastically.

PR - What the hell? Such faulty thinking. For one who helps write such intelligent words coming from a combination of life experience, psychology and spirituality - you are a master of alternative thinking. You tell others to think for themselves, not follow blindly the words of others. You know how to think outside of the box, because we do it together.

NR - Whatever.

Okay, let’s actually get to the heart of the matter - what I want to know is what you would like from each other - what you need from your other half, that you feel would be beneficial to helping solve this life crisis? Perhaps there’s some common ground you can meet and work better together for yourself...

NR - I would like Him to get off his high horse of unrealistic expectations and ultra morality and face the fact that -

No, that is what you want him to do. What do you need from him..?

NR - .................................

PR - I need him to start having more faith in us again, believing in ourselves. My helping hand is there and I wish he would take it more often. Not just in the smaller things, but in the grand scheme of our life. We have done well in past endeavours, we can do well - even better - in the future, if only you could have more faith and trust in me. I am there for you, I don’t want to see you miserable.

NR - I want help and support, that is true. Perhaps more help and support than he can give.

PR - I can give as much as you’ll ever need.

NR - The negativity is so strong. The comfort zone is so safe and warm and known. From it I can still reach out and do good things, make an impact on the world.

PR - I don’t want to ‘bargain’ with you like this, it’s so desperate sounding. I know you want an easy life, which is saddening, but you’re selling yourself short. You like a good challenge, and a comfort zone is easily changed or expanded. Remember when your comfort zone used to include a whole university? How comfortable and safe you would feel within its walls, like a second home! Or at college. Or at the MS Centre, same thing, and with all those people coming and going all the time - you used to really like meeting the new starters and training up other operators. Let me help you on the next adventure and let it lead somewhere new and exciting.

NR - Yeah, I am negative Rod, but not stupid Rod. I do acknowledge that and I do want that for us again. But it will be a temporary thing. Maybe it’s my age now, nearly 44 - I know that’s not old, but you have to admit, it’s getting to be not young any more either. Especially the way I feel inside. So all these temporary things... all these false starts... A lot of effort expended to just end up back at square one again.

PR - Listen, the truth is I don’t care if we embark on another 20 temporary things - those things will be just as valuable as one permanent thing, say a career. Don’t get me wrong - I think you could, you should, have a career as something - a care worker, a counsellor, a psychologist, a teacher, a medical researcher, an author, a librarian... you know what our strong points are, what we could potentially do. BUT if all we ever do are temporary, voluntary things - if you put your all into it - I will be just as happy for us. Because it will be so meaningful. You don’t get it - just stop doing nothing and start some movement going.

NR - Yeah, I guess...

What do you both feel you would bring to the table that would enable you two to work better as a whole? Any traits in particular..?

PR - Enthusiasm, self confidence, energy.

NR - Energy? Remember we’re both is this same body...

PR - Yes, the drive is there mentally, just needs honing. The physical energy would come back with time, when physical changes are made (ie, losing weight)

NR - I know I am so fat. I know the battle of the mind must be won first. It’s too hard.

PR - Not if you let me help you.

NR - But you’re me and I’m you!! I don’t want to be helped.

PR - You really do though, don’t you? You know you do. You know only you, well we, can help us when it comes right down to it. We’ve written it down and said it to others many times - others can show us the door, even help us pick the lock, but it is we who have to walk through it.

NR - The resistance is so powerful though, and I can’t fight it. I don’t know how to take your hand, I can’t find it in the dark, everything’s so intangible, so vague, I don’t recognise myself. I don’t know who I really am, and I am not sure I ever really knew myself... I must have been living it all wrong. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live..! (starts sobbing...)

PR reaches out to comfort NR, but NR pulls away, immediately wishing he hadn’t. There is a brief interlude to regain composure.

So, just to continue from before, can I now ask you NR what you feel you might contribute to PR, towards making a better whole person? What traits in particular?

NR - Pragmatism, realism, grounding. Not over extending oneself beyond what is within one’s capabilities. I know He’s going to say something like - ‘you don’t know unless you try, you should never stop trying’, etc - but he would spend his life jumping up to try and catch the Moon in a butterfly net or crusading to make everybody vegetarian. Yes, there’s truth and strength and even Wisdom in some of his traits and words, but there is also an air of fantasy to it. I am sure we can both agree on the Yin and Yang thing - there is darkness in light, and light in darkness, you can’t have one without the other. We both accept that, yes?

PR - Yes, I know that is so. And I am sorry if I irritate you. How can I not want for the best though? How can I betray those principles I stand for?

NR - Well, you don’t have to. You only need to tone them down a bit so you’re not shouting them in my face whenever I glance in your direction.

PR - ..............................................

NR - You know... I think I do remarkably well most days considering all the turmoil and darkness I have inside. The Artist in you borrows heavily from The Nothing in me.

PR - And your Mr Angry, Mr Paranoia and the Green Monster are soothed by my Spirituality and reason.

So you both recognise that you are already helping each other all the time?

Rod - I am a human being, for better or for worse. I have many sides to me. There are not only these archetypes within me, but also the many masks that I wear. The many faces I portray. I am not perfect. But I am not worthless. Like everyone, I fall somewhere along that spectrum. My negative side has been more powerful, because it requires less effort to fuel it. My positive side is still there and wants more for me. If I am honest my Positive side is disgusted at my Negative side, the weight, the depression, the pathetic waste of life. And conversely my Negative side is in denial of the positive side because it is an uncomfortable reminder of how better I could / should be with effort...

***********************************

Ten Years Past

By Rod Maughan

09/06/2000

(A reaction from the 18 year old me of 1990 to the 28 year old me of 2000)

I heard you were looking for me, enquiring about who you used to be

Something colourful - get yourself seen... Well I wonder if you could still do that...

I heard you’d got into a big mess and that now you like yourself a whole lot less

It came as a surprise I must confess; yeah I wonder how you got yourself in trouble like that

You may be older and wiser than me

But you’ve only got a fraction of my energy

You’ve got the experience and maturity

But you’ll never be able to run like me

I am the You of ten years ago

Why the Hell did you let me go?

Now you come crawling back but things are not the same

You’ve got a lot of work to do to get back in the Game

Are you afraid to walk the old walk, can you remember to talk the old talk?

It seems a hundred years since we were united; yeah, I’m not sure if I want you back

I had dreams and such high expectations but then you ‘emerged’ and they all disappeared

Seemed on the right track but then got lost - talk to me in your mind; visit me in your dreams

If we can think past the image then you might be alright

Maybe I can use you in the fight

No, I know it’s our fight - it’s the big fight

One big fight for all that is right

I used to ride like the wind, nobody stood before me

I was like pure energy and the world would know my wrath!

I would go and make a difference, I would fight all injustice

I would take a big stand for everything I believed in

But what do you do? You never practice what you preach

You’re so afraid of everything, you’re even afraid of yourself

But there is still potential, combing old with new

We could forge a better person... but you have to want it too...

25 Years (a sequel of sorts...)

By Rod Maughan

17/11/2015

2015

The years have flown, but my dreams never took off

Here I am, still grounded, still not aloft

2000

I could have predicted this - I knew life was a bust

And I tried to warn you, but you just could not trust...

2015

And so here I am sitting, all reflecting and sad

Mourning the lost years I feel I never really had

2000

Well I tried to tell you, through vision and words

But you were unreachable and you thought me absurd

1990

So let me get this straight, and I’m trying not to hate

You’re now 15 more years on - don’t you think it’s getting late?

I’d need the patience of a saint to understand all your complaints

But I’m just a young man trying to enjoy my life...

2015

My envy is lich-like, I crave for what had so briefly been

I need your life and energy, yet I deserve nothing so serene

2000

He does not heed your words; he deserves to be kept blind

What he don’t know can’t hurt him, the Fate he has been assigned

1990

Don’t you talk about me like I am not even there!

Don’t think for one second that I don’t have a care

Where do you think you came from, the both of you that mope?

It’s not my fault you’ve screwed it up and given up your hope

2015

So when you run, when you feel strong

Feel the youthful energy course through your body

You deserve nothing less, I want it for you

Be the best 18 year old Rodney Maughan

2000

I had my song, I had my days

I made mistakes that you’re still paying for today

He is our hope in the future-past

This idealised young version of Rod Maughan

1990

You bring me fear, you bring me pain

I try to see things through your eyes but I’m dismayed

All I can do is try to live my life

And I remain the young man Rodney Maughan

****************************************************

Thoughts

by Rod Maughan

11/11/90

1              I think you should know, before you have a go

                That I've been put down - right down to the ground

                And though I know you can't see, there's no-one else that I could be

                I know that in my own heart I'm standing right back at the start

2              Life is a game, nothing more - I cannot tell you what lies in store

                But there are more rules than anything else...

                And the rules are all there - we know; we've felt

                So it's time to roll the dice again

Br            You plunder blindly on but you can never win

                So you look for a point but you know there is none

                And you think about death and there is nowhere to run

3              Fear plays in your mind

                Confusion melts your logic

                Hatred slices at your heart

                Desire fires you like heroin

                Depression takes your spirit away

                Turmoil eats your inner soul

                Ignorance stares you in the face

                And you know you've lost the human race!

4              Hope shines so far, far away

                Temptation makes you want to cry

                Love is hatred in disguise

                Pain is your drug - it keeps you going

                Anguish - oh you'd love to kill

                Happiness proves to be another illusion

                Sorrow, you cannot cry any more

                You don't even know what this punishment is for!

Instru

5              The anger plays inside your mind - it's bouncing about in your brain

                The anger is trying to escape your mind - it's disintegrating your brain

                Let it out - let it free - but do it slowly

                Let it out - let it free - but do it slowly

This song I’ve included here - “Thoughts” - is one that I can now look back on in wonder. At the time I wrote it, it was merely a collection of random ideas and thoughts. But in retrospect the nearly 19 year old Rod wrote some words which seem quite prophetic. I can look back on them and relate them to various times between then and now. It also shows that even back then I saw anger as a negative thing and sought to cage it, bind it and keep it hidden away. Or at best, release it slowly and in a controlled way. On another note, no pun intended, I wish I could remember how to play it, especially the faster parts!