The Barbarians
1987, USA / Italy, directed by Ruggero Deodato, starring David & Peter Paul, Richard Lynch
(Also known as The Barbarian Brothers)
This review contains many spoilers.
Re-watching this film the other day the first time since probably 1990-ish I forgot just how much fun it was. This is a fantasy-comedy in all but name - it is far too whacky and oddball to be anything else - the film doesn’t take itself seriously, and I pity any viewer who tries to do so. Grow a sense of humour... bone... or something.
The opening music seems a tad out of place, but we kick off with some standardised sword & sorcery type narration, setting the scene. The Ragniks are a peaceful tribe of gypsy travellers and entertainers who have adopted three children who were orphaned. Two boys named Kutchek and Gore, and a girl named Kara. The tribe’s most precious possession is... wait for it, the Belly Stone. It is a large dazzling ruby which is magical and is passed down from one Ragnik queen to the next - it is a symbol of all the tribe are, and the current queen is called... wait for it, Queen Canary.
Anyway, evil warlord Kadar (Richard Lynch, Sword & the Sorcerer and so many other things) decides he must have the Belly Stone. He and his cronies including ambitious sorceress China, attack the Ragniks wagons, killing many and capturing the queen. Poor Canary spends the next few years in a cage. Tweet tweet. Kadar is in love with her and wants to marry her so, whilst he still really wants the gem, he doesn’t want to upset her too much either, much to the disgust of China (the sorceress and wannabe power behind the throne). But Canary managed to give the magic gem to an underling before she was captured and so the precious is hidden away to keep it safe.
The bad guys also capture the barbarian brothers, quite why Kadar doesn’t have them killed after one of them bites off several of his fingers, is beyond me. He has a plan for them though, however first they must begin their ‘training’ working in the pit. I thought this was going to be a gladiatorial pit, but it’s actually a stone quarry, and they spend the next few years moving huge boulders around and becoming extremely muscle bound. Seriously huge fellows like double Conans.
They are indeed also taught to fight with weapons eventually and are forced to slay vicious dogs and ambivalent snakes. Probably people too I guess. Kadar’s sadistic plan for them involves keeping them separated and having them regularly beaten - one is beaten by a brute in a black helm, and the other by (probably the same actor, let’s face it) a brute in a bronze helm. A show is arranged and they put each helm on each brother and so they have been conditioned to fight to the death against their opponent who beat them all those years. Doesn’t quite pan out like that as helmets come off and the first of many classic lines are uttered, something like: “Hey, what the hell are you doing with my face?!” These barbarians are joyously stupid, especially Gore. They quickly remember each other and then they fight their way out of the city, making short work of anyone in their way.
They find a woman in a cage in the woods who has been captured by the Ragniks and are quickly then themselves captured with a big net. At first the Ragnik’s do not believe the brothers are who they say they are (the leader insults one of them by called him a fatty, and he replies with another classic quip: “Who are you calling fatty, Moosehead!”) - they attempt to hang them, along with the girl, but the barbarians are much too tough - one of them simply flexes his enormous neck muscles and breaks the rope. The other one tears half the hanging tree down. But then the Ragniks see that the fellas bear the Mark of the Open Road, so therefore they must be the barbarian twins after all. Yay.
Soon the three of them are sent off on a quest (the woman joins them, she’s called Ismena) in which they must infiltrate Kadar’s palace and rescue Queen Canary. “We can do that, look at us, we’re HUGE!” ha ha ha, I am genuinely laughing as I recall all their classic lines.
They go the “Bucket of Blood” tavern, probably not named after the classic 1959 offbeat horror film of the same name featuring a fellow who plaster casts dead people to make really realistic statues in an attempt to fit in to the cool arty club... well that’s a story for some other time I guess... Errr, the Bucket of Blood tavern, where many scantily clad dancers entertain the patrons - one of our heroes (probably Kutchek, let’s say) then gets into an arm wrestling match with another big tough looking warrior who seems extremely confident. However the other fellow quickly realises he can’t possibly win and so has his pet snake brought in to frighten Kutchek. This annoys Kutchek who loudly hisses back at the huge snake and frightens it away! Oh yes... that happened. He wins the arm wrestle, I think breaking the table in the process and there follows an awesome bar fight during which, at some point, extra baby oil is applied to the muscle bound heroes. They weren’t that glistening a moment ago...
They find their way into the harem of Kadar’s palace and search for Canary - Gore immediately spots a bare breasted sleeping concubine and starts making noises like a honking yak or moose which is both hilarious and really, really strange. They find Canary who tells them they must retrieve the Belly Stone before Kadar finds it, and she tells them where it is, but they must go and equip themselves with the sacred weapons first as it is guarded by a swamp dragon. They leave their queen behind for now (so as not to arouse suspicion or something, but one of the other concubines sees the whole exchange and goes off and tells on them). On the way out, a guard spots them, and in probably the most bizarre bit of the film, the barbarian brothers kiss... to... erm, try and not look inconspicuous in the harem, maybe, like they were just a couple of Kadar’s ladies... Oh I don’t know, it’s just so weird - from the reaction of the brother who was getting kissed, I think it may have been an unplanned spur of the moment decision by the other actor! They take the guard out, and Gore honks his fond farewells to the boobies on display.
Fed up with Kadar’s lack of progress over the preceding years, evil sorceress China tortures poor Queen canary by having her cruelly lashed and finally finds the location of the precious treasure. She takes some men and off they go. When Kadar finds out what has happened, he is furious with China, but decides at least she got the job done, and he takes some more men and Canary off to the swamp where the gem is.
Our heroes find a cave behind a waterfall and enter - they soon locate the hidden scared weapons (and armour) and try a few things out. Ismena also partakes and looks the part as the warrior woman accomplice. A beast watches them, some kind of bear-lion thing, it’s claws come up through the ground and grab at them, but these barbarians have a Strength of 22 or something (D&D terms) and just pull the arms out of their sockets like it was nothing. They get attacked by man-bear-pig from South Park but casually lop off its head with one swipe. They then, bizarrely play with the severed head for a bit. It’s hilarious. They argue over who gets what weapon, etc, and then leave. Ismena seems surprised that the horses have waited outside the cave for them, but Kutchek explains “Of course, it is their instinct, they knew we’d be coming back this way...” Yop.
In the swamp, the Sorceress and her men are attacked by swamp monsters and defeat them - China takes the magic ruby, but then the swamp dragon arises from the depths and kills them all. Oh well. I loved the dragon, it was such a cheap looking prop, but had these awesome expression-filled moving eyebrows! Just then the barbarians appear on the scene and at first flee from the dragon (first thing they’ve seemed worried about all film). However a cunning plan is devised and they hide behind some rocks whilst Ismena lures the beast on - when the dragon goes over the rocks, it gets its belly sliced open. It is filled with green gunge and guts which cover our heroes. They waste no time in going inside the dragon (why would they go inside it..?) and find the dead sorceress still holding the ruby, which they then reclaim. The inside of a swamp dragon flashes with red and green light by the way. Now you know. I wonder who goes in to change the bulbs... The brothers give the gem to Ismena and tell her to get it back to the Ragnik’s camp asap whilst they go off to rescue canary who they think is still in the palace.
But she is in the swamp with Kadar, she uses some sort of magic to confuse him, and cries for the help of the barbarians - they hear her and turn around, heading back into the swamp. In his confusion Kadar stabs Canary with his sword and kills her, which really upsets him. With Canary dead, the ruby turns to stone. Oh dear. I seriously do not know why Canary had to die like that - she was about to be rescued. Huh...
Kutchek and Gore find poor Canary dead, and finally do battle with Kadar, but he is on horseback and is quite sneaky. He uses the sun reflecting off his shiny, shiny shield to dazzle the boys, and then gets a hits of both of them as he rides past with a pair of tricksy daggers. When he comes for another pass the solution is remarkably simple - just take the horse down. Which they do. Just pull it onto the ground ‘cos these barbarians are strong as mega-oxen. Ah, but it’s not over yet: Kadar has a sneaky crossbow hidden in his robe, which he aims at one of the brothers. But in a freak derp, it jams when he goes to shoot it (who knows how long it had been concealed in that robe, you have to oil and maintain these things you know...) Both barbarians then literally throw their swords into Kadar, and that’s the end of him.
Meanwhile at the Ragnik camp, the ruby has come back to life, meaning that there will be a new queen. “Fetch the virgins!” orders the fellow I choose to remember as Moosehead. Disappointingly, there are only two - and the gem, popped onto their bellys, rejects both of them. There must be another. This is like Cinderella all over again. Lo behold, it’s Ismena, who tries to get away but is brought struggling back - “Hold her still and uncover her belly!” Mooseman orders (a line which makes me think about otters), and the Belly Stone indeed fits and stays in place, and Ismena reveals that she has been Karra all along, who everyone assumed had been killed years ago.
The film ends with some brotherly squabbling over who holds the rein and who holds the whip in the wagon, and a lovely embrace from both brothers for Karra. And of course Gore’s obligatory Yak honking as the wagon drives off into the sunset (wonder what was going on there then after the camera had zoomed out).
And then a really bad song to roll the credits over.
I think what does it for me is just the sheer and utter no-holds-barred sense of stupid fun that permeates this film. The barbarian brothers are just a couple of meat-heads doing their best and clearly enjoying themselves in the process.
Rod’s Rating: 6/10
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