My
Misophonia began around the age of 10 or 11 I think in the early 1980s. My
first triggers were my parents eating noisily - real sloppy sounding chomping
that used to get right under my skin. I would avoid eating with them as much as
possible, often leaving the dinner table early, saying I was full, which I
wasn’t. At first I don’t remember seeing red like I would nowadays - it was
more of a revulsion and urge to get away from it. As I got a bit older, my
teens were full of arguments with my parents about them eating noisily (and
other things!) By this time I was never eating with them. This is when I
started first noticing other triggers too, again from my parents. My parents
talking with their mouths full, my Dad biting his nails, whistling, singing
(when I was in bed, trying to go to sleep at night, often they’d have a late supper
of tea and toast - the toast smell started really bothering me!), my Mum’s
gross habits, bringing up phlegm whilst eating and spitting it into a tissue,
my Mum brushing her teeth and spitting into the sink. And in my teens I began
to be triggered by non-family too - friends, friends parents, complete
strangers, and things on TV. I remember thinking from a young age that I was a
little strange and different from other people, and the Misophonia (though I
had no clue it was an actual ‘thing’ back then) just confirmed that for me.
When
I was 19 I started dating the girl who’d become my wife and start a family
with. By the time I was 21 we had a daughter and a son on the way. I went back
to college and then went to university. A second son born in 1996. My degree
took me up to 1998. The 1990s were a bit of a blur for me and I do not really
remember Misophonia being such an issue - I’m sure it was there, certainly I
remember quite early on in our relationship my wife’s snoring and weird
‘clicking’ sound she makes (like a tap dripping!) gave me many a sleepless
night and caused us eventually to sleep separately, which we still do to this
day... I also remember the neighbour’s DIY really affecting me too (at that
time we had neighbours who seemed to be always doing something noisy involving
sawing and hammering!) But perhaps because I was so busy and there was such a
lot going on, maybe the Misophonia lessened somewhat. But my memory of the ‘90s
is a bit fuzzy. During my degree I began suffering from depression, which got a
lot worse after I finished, and I only worked for a short time after that
before leaving the job due to ill health and becoming a ‘house-husband’,
raising the children whilst my wife worked. My wife also suffered from
depression, later diagnosed as bi-polar, and she has made several suicide
attempts over the years, the most recent in 2010 L
Sometime
around early 2000s I really noticed my Misophonia getting bad again and also
trypophobia, a visual revulsion of certain patterns and textures. I had always
also been a little OCD and I noticed that getting worse too - doing things a
certain number of times and feeling restless and unsettled, like something bad
was going to happen if I didn’t obey. During the mid 2000s we had a terrible
experience with a private landlord who tricked us and we almost ended up
homeless. Thankfully we didn’t, but the next house we lived in (which we had to
accept) we had terrible neighbours and this led to me having anxiety and panic
attacks as well as depression which really brought my life to a complete standstill.
I had counselling, one-on-one CBT, and a variety of different meds till I found
one that helped a bit. I gradually got better, started going to college again
and started voluntary work.
In
2011 we moved again, but again ended up with bad neighbours which led to both
my wife’s and my own depression worsening - it was in late 2011 I discovered
the term Misophonia by absent-mindedly putting “eating noises disgust me” into
Google just to see what I’d get back. I really don’t know why I didn’t think of
doing that sooner - I had been able to go online from home since 1999. I
suppose it was because I thought it was my own private Hell. But imagine my
surprise! It was a massive relief to suddenly find that I was not alone, not a
freak, and soon after that I joined the Misophonia group on Facebook.
Sorry
if that was a bit lengthy, I suppose I wanted to set the scene for you.
My
Misophonia is currently moderate to bad, has been for a long time now. I am
triggered by the usual things I have already mentioned (including my parents
when we see them (once or twice a week)) but lots of newer things. Bassy music,
dogs barking, my cats washing themselves, my wife brushing her hair, cutlery
scraping on plates, clattering of pots and pans, certain tones of voice
(nasally ones are worst), sniffing, coughing, throat clearing, noisy cars and
bikes... well, the list goes on and on. And the visual triggers are worse too -
my wife takes a lot of different meds for various things - some of this makes
her fidget uncontrollably, wiggling her fingers and toes, it is hell for me.
She is very understanding but because she doesn’t realise she’s doing it,
she’ll start it up again sometimes just seconds after apologising and stopping
it. I cannot stand people eating around me whilst I am seated and they are
standing. My tolerance levels are a lot lower than they used to be. I often
resort to wearing earphones and listening to music or white noise.
If
someone sits behind me on the bus and is fidgeting or eating or breathing
heavily, the earphones have to go in. Little noises in the night bother me and
I have to fall asleep listening to music.
For
me, it is the whole thing - the depression, OCD, Misophonia, trypophobia, and
my sensitivity (which I’m sorry, I haven’t really talked about) - I am
extremely sensitive and am easily moved by beautiful music, stories, and just
thinking and life and death. I feel like an misplaced person in this world. I
feel like I belong in some other world, like a square shape trying to fit in a
round hole. The whole thing is just so overwhelmingly unbearable and I just do
not know how to live. I am intelligent enough to reason things through of
course and I have never quite been suicidal myself, but I can easily see how
Misophonia and other conditions can make people feel that way.
I
avoid triggers like the plague, which makes it very difficult to operate in the
world. I am so lucky I have an understanding wife and (now adult) children who
love me - that is what keeps me here. When I really cannot avoid triggers I
either become increasingly agitated till I have to just flee or I explode in a
rage. This has only happened a few times because I usually get to flee or
avoid. But when it has happened, and one time was my Mum, it has been ugly and
I have felt so foolish afterwards. I have tried to talk to my parents about it
but Dad is of the generation that doesn’t really believe in anything like that
(pull yer socks up and get on with it, is his attitude) and Mum is just too
wrapped up in herself. Never mind.
I
can honestly say I do not know what the future holds for me - I fear, just more
of the same - it feels like I am just marking time. This condition, which I
tried to get help for but the NHS in my area were no use (“you can un-learn
this behaviour with exposure therapy” - I tried, it was awful!) and I cannot
afford to go private. So it all feels rather hopeless. I am 43 and have worked
very little in my life, excluding voluntary work, and even that I am not doing
right now (another story though!) I cannot see how I could tolerate working
with other people. I read the stories people tell in the Facebook group and
wonder how I would cope in that situation, and I know I wouldn’t.
I
think the very worst thing about this condition though (apart from the triggers
themselves) is the awkwardness - how
absurd it sounds when you try to explain it to others - how you feel you
couldn’t even begin to explain it. How quickly people dismiss it as a silly
quirk. It’s easier to just run away, put earphones in to mask triggers -
there’s such a stigma. That is the worst thing for me, even though I no longer
feel like such a freak and alone in having this, the awful awkwardness remains.
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