A
Collection of Me
Rod
Maughan
17/11/15
Time
to split up my personalities
Into
an assortment of pieces of me
They
argue about values and possibilities
They’ll
never stop till I cease to be
Time
to take a look at what I all say
So
many different questions come into play
So
many different answers I can generate
Yet
all the time conscious of just one Fate
For
all the differences the blocks are the same
I
self mutilate, I disable and I maim
Life
chances may be few but hope does still remain
Do
I want to turn it round or do I want to refrain?
**********************************
Black
and White, Good and Bad
Side
A - the ‘Good’ Guys
The
Carer - Empathic, Friendly, Loving, Listening Rod
The
Hero - Responsible, Righteous, Do-Good Rod
The
Artist - Creative, Imaginative Rod
The
Scholar - Intelligent, Inquisitive, Knowledge-Hungry Rod
The
Optimist - Hopeful, Potential Rod
The
Spiritual - Humble, Meek, Accepting Rod
The
Jester - Fun-Loving, Happy, Care-Free Rod
Side
B - the ‘Bad’ Guys
The
Nothing - Apathetic, Hopeless, Depressed Rod
The
Destroyer - Self-Hating, Self-Depreciating, Lack-of-Esteem Rod
Mr
Angry - Raging, Intolerant, Nihilistic Rod
The
Control Freak - Irritable, Impatient, Frustrated, Selfish Rod
The
Green Monster - Resentful, Envious Rod
Mr
Superior - Egotistical, Know-it-all, God-like Rod
Mr
Paranoia - Self-Doubting, Untrusting, Cynical, Suspicious Rod
**********************************
The Carer - he wants what
is best for others. He wants to help others, improve and make a difference to
their lives. He enjoys listening to other’s stories about their past, he gives
good empathy and others can trust in him. He is a loyal and good friend; he cares
deeply, so deeply the emotion can sometimes overwhelm him.
The Hero - his goals may
be unrealistic at times but he is sticking to them. He hates any injustice and
cruelty - he wants to change the world for the better - be a force for good in
the world, make a real difference. He is courageous and self-sacrificing and
believes that all life forms deserve respect, equality and freedom.
The Artist - loves to
create using his words primarily, music in the past. He has an incredible
imagination and has no difficulty grasping weird, alien concepts - even if he
doesn’t get it right away, he loves the aesthetic experience. He can lose
himself in a book, a film or a computer game. He is a dreamer and creator of
strange imaginary worlds and characters.
The Scholar - he is a
scientist. He is logical and objective and applies the rules of science to his
world around him. He has a thirst for learning new things and marvels at the
new knowledge he discovers. He wants to share with others his knowledge,
because knowledge = power and therefore freedom and possibilities, whilst
ignorance leads nowhere.
The Optimist - yearns for a
better future. He knows there is potential in everyone and in himself, if only
it can be unlocked. He believes everyone has the power to self-actualise. He
never gives up hope in the world and himself, no matter how bad things get,
there will always be a brighter tomorrow possible and he always gives people
the benefit of the doubt.
The Spiritual - he embraces
the idea of the soul and a oneness with all things. He knows the meaning of
life is to give meaning to your life and that the Journey is the important
thing, not the destination. He knows his place in the universe and is content
with that - he is overcome with great wonder and emotion when he thinks about
the miracle of life. He is a pacifist and wants peace, understanding and unity
for the world.
The Jester - delights in
making others laugh and having fun. The more the merrier. At times his wit may
be a little too abstract or clever for some, but he is more than willing to
dumb it down to get the laughs coming in. He amuses himself too and can laugh
(nicely) at himself - he loves it when he himself smiles and laughs, those
times are priceless.
*******************************
The Nothing - like a
suffocating blanket the nothing takes all light and air and energy. It appears like
a sudden fog seeping up from within. It is cold, it is featureless and it is
desolate. It feeds off apathy which makes it grow - its needs met so easily, it
is the path of least resistance, the effortless slide into the blackest Abyss.
It is a parasite from an alien place.
The Destroyer - is a
destroyer of the self who thrives on self negativity and self hatred. He is
seemingly only too happy to fail and learn nothing from the lesson, but rather
accept it and embrace the pain of yet another failure as his lot in life. He
hurts himself emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. He is a friend
to no-one and just wants to keep suffering; he wears his defeats like badges of
honour.
Mr Angry - he rages at
other people, at himself, and the world in general. His anger is unsurpassed
and immeasurable. He wants to shake people till they see sense or till their
necks snap. He wants to shake himself - he wants to shout louder than anyone
ever has. So unjust and unfair has this world been to him, his violent temper
will tear the world apart. He is fury unbound, is so frightening and must be
kept in check constantly.
The Control
Freak
- has no time for the imperfection and lack of knowledge or wisdom of others
and seeks to control the world because only he knows best how to do so. He is
the one who enforces counting, odds and evens, where to look or step and where
not to, or something bad will happen he threatens. He cannot settle till
everything is ‘just so’, and if it isn’t, or cannot be brought to order, then
he has no time for that and dismisses the whole thing as a write-off, not
worthy of his attention...
The Green
Monster
- craves that which others have got with a great unhealthy desire. He thinks
that he deserves it more, he should have this, and the others do not deserve it
(whether it is material wealth, possessions or simply happiness and
opportunities in life). He hates and mistrusts other people who have more than
him. He is so ugly and he knows it; he must be shunned, kept out of the light.
Mr Superior - with seemingly
noble intentions, Mr S quickly shows his true colours. He is egotistical beyond
compare. He looks down on others. He knows best, he has a plan for all things,
but is always on shaky ground. He lives in fear that his bluff will be called
and he will be exposed as the fraud he is. He is a jack of all trades, master
of none. Worst of all he embellishes stories, exaggerates things, to make him
look better, even when not needed.
Mr Paranoid - sickly and
pale, Mr P expects the worst from others. He does not trust them - surely they
only mean to harm him, they are judging, talking about him, looking at him - he
cannot stand it. He does not even trust himself with his own decision making -
he does not trust that he will ever make anything of himself. Suspicious of
everyone, even himself, Mr P hides in the darkness afraid of his own shadow.
************************************
It
is easy to see how these archetypes overlay and interact with each other
creating the rich tapestry of myself. And also how such a complex weave is nigh
impossible to keep track of. Positive traits mix with negative, sometimes to
good effect, but sometimes with disastrous effect. With such complexity it is a
wonder I have got anywhere in life. But other people have this sort of set-up
too (I assume!) How on Earth do they manage to live their lives, to be
successful, or even get any traction off the starting blocks? Do they just
ignore it or are they blissfully ignorant of their deeper selves..? Why aren’t
I? Truly there were times earlier on in my life when this multitude of traits
didn’t hold me up and I just kind of went with the flow... Why is there no flow
anymore? I have stopped it - I must have done. Either through unresolved blocks
which have built up over a life time, or consciously - maybe because I have
‘given up?’ Life’s too hard to even try any more. Yes the negative side has
indeed got the upper hand these past years... but the positive side is still there,
and needs to be freed. The positive side is what makes things happen - whether
they end up as good or bad outcomes is less important really, as long as my
life is moving again. If a good outcome: fantastic. If a bad outcome: learn
from it and keep moving. So... the conversation / interview between the two
estranged halves of Rod...
Positive Rod
is sitting up straight, he is smartly dressed and has a smile on his face and
gleam in his eyes. He is close shaven, and has used Just For Men to get rid of all
the grey in his hair, and has been losing weight for some time. This makes him
feel more confident. He is alert, refreshed and attentive - looking forward to
engaging in the conversation, open to possibilities and hopeful about helping
his counterpart whom he cares for deeply.
Negative Rod
is kind of slouched. His back hurts, his hips, his knees - everything aches. He
feels bloated and he is rather disgusted with himself and his appearance. He is
scruffy-looking, unshaven, unwashed for a few days. He feels fat and ugly and
is embarrassed to have gone out in public to get to this meeting. He wonders
why he bothered. He is prepared to be irritated by Positive Rod - prepared to
stubbornly defend his position, if only with ‘just because’. If all else fails,
there’s always ‘just because’ to fall back on.
Welcome to you
both. Can we start by asking what you both hope to get from this conversation?
PR
- I would like to let NR know that I am prepared to be his friend. I would like
to help him to help himself - lend my positive traits for the benefit of the
whole. I wish he would use me more and not so sparingly. The potential is great
if we work together.
NR
- Well, yes, we are in the same mind. I do appreciate and use some traits from
PR as supports - I am not in complete denial. But at the same time, I am
conscious of trying to be something that I am not. Worried about rocking the
boat (and even falling out) I have come to a place where I am starting to
accept my lot in life and make peace with that. I’m a small fish in a big
ocean, it is unrealistic and frankly too much effort to try and be any more.
Those dreams of my younger days are now history.
PR
- That makes me sad to hear you talk like that. There is always potential for
more and nothing is impossible.
NR
- I am not denying that. I am only saying, not for me. You can try and support
me all you want, but I have proven again and again that I get so far along and
then snap back like I’m attached to a rubber band.
PR
- We need to cut that rubber band. There was a time, when you were a lot
younger, when it was not really a thing.
NR
- No. It has been there most of my life. It’s part of me - the part that keeps
me from over-stretching and failing even more drastically.
PR
- What the hell? Such faulty thinking. For one who helps write such intelligent
words coming from a combination of life experience, psychology and spirituality
- you are a master of alternative thinking. You tell others to think for
themselves, not follow blindly the words of others. You know how to think
outside of the box, because we do it together.
NR
- Whatever.
Okay, let’s
actually get to the heart of the matter - what I want to know is what you would
like from each other - what you need from your other half, that you feel would
be beneficial to helping solve this life crisis? Perhaps there’s some common
ground you can meet and work better together for yourself...
NR
- I would like Him to get off his high horse of unrealistic expectations and ultra
morality and face the fact that -
No, that is what
you want him to do. What do you need from him..?
NR
- .................................
PR
- I need him to start having more faith in us again, believing in ourselves. My
helping hand is there and I wish he would take it more often. Not just in the
smaller things, but in the grand scheme of our life. We have done well in past
endeavours, we can do well - even better - in the future, if only you could
have more faith and trust in me. I am there for you, I don’t want to see you
miserable.
NR
- I want help and support, that is true. Perhaps more help and support than he
can give.
PR
- I can give as much as you’ll ever need.
NR
- The negativity is so strong. The comfort zone is so safe and warm and known.
From it I can still reach out and do good things, make an impact on the world.
PR
- I don’t want to ‘bargain’ with you like this, it’s so desperate sounding. I
know you want an easy life, which is saddening, but you’re selling yourself
short. You like a good challenge, and a comfort zone is easily changed or
expanded. Remember when your comfort zone used to include a whole university?
How comfortable and safe you would feel within its walls, like a second home! Or
at college. Or at the MS Centre, same thing, and with all those people coming
and going all the time - you used to really like meeting the new starters and
training up other operators. Let me help you on the next adventure and let it
lead somewhere new and exciting.
NR
- Yeah, I am negative Rod, but not stupid Rod. I do acknowledge that and I do
want that for us again. But it will be a temporary thing. Maybe it’s my age
now, nearly 44 - I know that’s not old, but you have to admit, it’s getting to
be not young any more either. Especially the way I feel inside. So all these
temporary things... all these false starts... A lot of effort expended to just
end up back at square one again.
PR
- Listen, the truth is I don’t care if we embark on another 20 temporary things
- those things will be just as valuable as one permanent thing, say a career.
Don’t get me wrong - I think you could, you should, have a career as something
- a care worker, a counsellor, a psychologist, a teacher, a medical researcher,
an author, a librarian... you know what our strong points are, what we could
potentially do. BUT if all we ever do are temporary, voluntary things - if you
put your all into it - I will be just as happy for us. Because it will be so
meaningful. You don’t get it - just stop doing nothing and start some movement
going.
NR
- Yeah, I guess...
What do you both
feel you would bring to the table that would enable you two to work better as a
whole? Any traits in particular..?
PR
- Enthusiasm, self confidence, energy.
NR
- Energy? Remember we’re both is this same body...
PR
- Yes, the drive is there mentally, just needs honing. The physical energy
would come back with time, when physical changes are made (ie, losing weight)
NR
- I know I am so fat. I know the battle of the mind must be won first. It’s too
hard.
PR
- Not if you let me help you.
NR
- But you’re me and I’m you!! I don’t want to be helped.
PR
- You really do though, don’t you? You know you do. You know only you, well we,
can help us when it comes right down to it. We’ve written it down and said it
to others many times - others can show us the door, even help us pick the lock,
but it is we who have to walk through it.
NR
- The resistance is so powerful though, and I can’t fight it. I don’t know how
to take your hand, I can’t find it in the dark, everything’s so intangible, so
vague, I don’t recognise myself. I don’t know who I really am, and I am not
sure I ever really knew myself... I must have been living it all wrong. I don’t
know how I’m supposed to live..! (starts
sobbing...)
PR reaches out
to comfort NR, but NR pulls away, immediately wishing he hadn’t. There is a
brief interlude to regain composure.
So, just to
continue from before, can I now ask you NR what you feel you might contribute
to PR, towards making a better whole person? What traits in particular?
NR
- Pragmatism, realism, grounding. Not over extending oneself beyond what is
within one’s capabilities. I know He’s going to say something like - ‘you don’t
know unless you try, you should never stop trying’, etc - but he would spend
his life jumping up to try and catch the Moon in a butterfly net or crusading
to make everybody vegetarian. Yes, there’s truth and strength and even Wisdom
in some of his traits and words, but there is also an air of fantasy to it. I
am sure we can both agree on the Yin and Yang thing - there is darkness in
light, and light in darkness, you can’t have one without the other. We both
accept that, yes?
PR
- Yes, I know that is so. And I am sorry if I irritate you. How can I not want
for the best though? How can I betray those principles I stand for?
NR
- Well, you don’t have to. You only need to tone them down a bit so you’re not
shouting them in my face whenever I glance in your direction.
PR
- ..............................................
NR
- You know... I think I do remarkably well most days considering all the
turmoil and darkness I have inside. The Artist in you borrows heavily from The
Nothing in me.
PR
- And your Mr Angry, Mr Paranoia and the Green Monster are soothed by my
Spirituality and reason.
So you both
recognise that you are already helping each other all the time?
Rod
- I am a human being, for better or for worse. I have many sides to me. There
are not only these archetypes within me, but also the many masks that I wear.
The many faces I portray. I am not perfect. But I am not worthless. Like
everyone, I fall somewhere along that spectrum. My negative side has been more
powerful, because it requires less effort to fuel it. My positive side is still
there and wants more for me. If I am honest my Positive side is disgusted at my
Negative side, the weight, the depression, the pathetic waste of life. And
conversely my Negative side is in denial of the positive side because it is an
uncomfortable reminder of how better I could / should be with effort...
***********************************
Ten
Years Past
By
Rod Maughan
09/06/2000
(A reaction from
the 18 year old me of 1990 to the 28 year old me of 2000)
I
heard you were looking for me, enquiring about who you used to be
Something
colourful - get yourself seen... Well I wonder if you could still do that...
I
heard you’d got into a big mess and that now you like yourself a whole lot less
It
came as a surprise I must confess; yeah I wonder how you got yourself in
trouble like that
You
may be older and wiser than me
But
you’ve only got a fraction of my energy
You’ve
got the experience and maturity
But
you’ll never be able to run like me
I
am the You of ten years ago
Why
the Hell did you let me go?
Now
you come crawling back but things are not the same
You’ve
got a lot of work to do to get back in the Game
Are
you afraid to walk the old walk, can you remember to talk the old talk?
It
seems a hundred years since we were united; yeah, I’m not sure if I want you
back
I
had dreams and such high expectations but then you ‘emerged’ and they all
disappeared
Seemed
on the right track but then got lost - talk to me in your mind; visit me in
your dreams
If
we can think past the image then you might be alright
Maybe
I can use you in the fight
No,
I know it’s our fight - it’s the big fight
One
big fight for all that is right
I
used to ride like the wind, nobody stood before me
I
was like pure energy and the world would know my wrath!
I
would go and make a difference, I would fight all injustice
I
would take a big stand for everything I believed in
But
what do you do? You never practice what you preach
You’re
so afraid of everything, you’re even afraid of yourself
But
there is still potential, combing old with new
We
could forge a better person... but you have to want it too...
25
Years (a sequel of sorts...)
By
Rod Maughan
17/11/2015
2015
The
years have flown, but my dreams never took off
Here
I am, still grounded, still not aloft
2000
I
could have predicted this - I knew life was a bust
And
I tried to warn you, but you just could not trust...
2015
And
so here I am sitting, all reflecting and sad
Mourning
the lost years I feel I never really had
2000
Well
I tried to tell you, through vision and words
But
you were unreachable and you thought me absurd
1990
So
let me get this straight, and I’m trying not to hate
You’re
now 15 more years on - don’t you think it’s getting late?
I’d
need the patience of a saint to understand all your complaints
But
I’m just a young man trying to enjoy my life...
2015
My
envy is lich-like, I crave for what had so briefly been
I
need your life and energy, yet I deserve nothing so serene
2000
He
does not heed your words; he deserves to be kept blind
What
he don’t know can’t hurt him, the Fate he has been assigned
1990
Don’t
you talk about me like I am not even there!
Don’t
think for one second that I don’t have a care
Where
do you think you came from, the both of you that mope?
It’s
not my fault you’ve screwed it up and given up your hope
2015
So
when you run, when you feel strong
Feel
the youthful energy course through your body
You
deserve nothing less, I want it for you
Be
the best 18 year old Rodney Maughan
2000
I
had my song, I had my days
I
made mistakes that you’re still paying for today
He
is our hope in the future-past
This
idealised young version of Rod Maughan
1990
You
bring me fear, you bring me pain
I
try to see things through your eyes but I’m dismayed
All
I can do is try to live my life
And
I remain the young man Rodney Maughan
****************************************************
Thoughts
by Rod Maughan
11/11/90
1 I think you should know, before
you have a go
That I've been put down - right
down to the ground
And though I know you can't see,
there's no-one else that I could be
I know that in my own heart I'm
standing right back at the start
2 Life is a game, nothing more - I
cannot tell you what lies in store
But there are more rules than
anything else...
And the rules are all there - we
know; we've felt
So it's time to roll the dice
again
Br You plunder blindly on but you can
never win
So you look for a point but you
know there is none
And you think about death and
there is nowhere to run
3 Fear plays in your mind
Confusion melts your logic
Hatred slices at your heart
Desire fires you like heroin
Depression takes your spirit
away
Turmoil eats your inner soul
Ignorance stares you in the face
And you know you've lost the
human race!
4 Hope shines so far, far away
Temptation makes you want to cry
Love is hatred in disguise
Pain is your drug - it keeps you
going
Anguish - oh you'd love to kill
Happiness proves to be another
illusion
Sorrow, you cannot cry any more
You don't even know what this
punishment is for!
Instru
5 The anger plays inside your mind -
it's bouncing about in your brain
The anger is trying to escape
your mind - it's disintegrating your brain
Let it out - let it free - but
do it slowly
Let it out - let it free - but
do it slowly
This song I’ve
included here - “Thoughts” - is one that I can now look back on in wonder. At
the time I wrote it, it was merely a collection of random ideas and thoughts.
But in retrospect the nearly 19 year old Rod wrote some words which seem quite
prophetic. I can look back on them and relate them to various times between
then and now. It also shows that even back then I saw anger as a negative thing
and sought to cage it, bind it and keep it hidden away. Or at best, release it
slowly and in a controlled way. On another note, no pun intended, I wish I
could remember how to play it, especially the faster parts!
