A few old song lyrics of mine and what I think of them now...

Hello! In times gone by I wrote a lot of songs, some of you will know this. the main bulk were written between 1988 and 2004. I always thought more might come of them, but around 330-ish were recorded as extremely rough (cannot stress that enough!) kind of demos on old cassette tapes during the mid '90s to early 2000s - equipment used to make these tapes included an old karaoke machine and drum machine from my old keyboard. I played keyboards, rhythm guitar, bass guitar and (attempted some lead guitar, just mainly to show that's where the solo was meant to go!) and I did my best at singing too, with varying degrees of success and epic failure! My songs varied greatly from pop-rock, punk, metal, doom, death, folk, blues, one or two more ambitious attempts at rap metal and funk / jazz. I still hope one day, but I don't suppose it'll ever happen, to go back and re-record properly some of my songs... the old cassette tapes which store them are gradually fading, and many of the songs I can't really remember how to play properly.

Any way... For the time being I thought I'd look back and pick 2 or 3 and include them here, based around the date today - 19th June - see what I was thinking when I wrote lyrics in the past around this date. So let's have a look -

The Catastrophe

by Rod Maughan (aged 17)

15th June 1989

1          I don't think we should act the way we do

            The only ones left to decide will be me and you

            I can see it, I can hear it - why is it only me?

            The biggest human sacrifice ever, we will be!

2          There are so many puzzles left unsolved

            We can't go now - it's taken us aeons to evolve!

            The possibilities the years to come could bring...

            All you've achieved - nothing means a thing!

Br        Can't stop it! Can't control it!

            It will end in all our deaths!

            Too late now! Too far now!

            But never ever too soon!

Ch       ­­You could never really see

            This catastrophic situation

            And now your soul has been set free

            To wander on and on...

3          Know of all the other creatures on this Earth

            That you're gonna take with you to death

            God, have some mercy... But God isn't real...

            Man is the only god and the wounds will never heal!

4          So damn involved with keeping your life secure

            You never even doubted - you were so sure

            Now it's almost over and your wish will come true...

            Death is so secure and there's nothing you can do!

Br

Ch

Instru

5          You were so determined never to grow old

            Because of your naivety this planet was sold

            Everybody knew that the world would end

            But they all said 'never mind - leave it to them!'

Br

Chx2

Oh well, yeah, I know, the last verse is rather a cop out! Couldn't decide how to end it I guess. A bit of a grim song I wrote at the tender age of 17, I was already at that age a vegetarian (that happened when I was 15) and highly motivated and concerned about the environment. I'd also spent much time with my nose in philosophy books and was already intrigued with ideas which would eventually turn me towards a pagan path spiritually.

The music to the song was fast and punchy - it was written at a time I had been self teaching myself keyboards for a year or so and was getting better, and was learning the bass guitar - I was just at the beginning of the electric guitar, so this song was written on the keyboards only, though was very much in a heavy metal style. I did indeed play my old keyboard rather like a thrash metal rhythm guitar back in the late '80s! When I eventually re-recorded this as an exceedingly rough demo around 1997-ish (I think) I re-worked the song to incorporate more guitar parts and also slowed the temp slightly (as it was all rather manic in it's original version!) - the keyboards still drive the song though.

Now here's this one:

The Truth

by Rod Maughan (aged 18)

17th June 1990

1          What lies on the other side?

            What lies beyond the grave?

            Is this the path to self destruction -

            That we pave?

SBr      Why are there no answers?

            Are we not supposed to know?

            This lack of information will cause us to go...

Br        We must go

            For we must know

            We will journey

            For we must see

Ch       (The truth)

            Are you real or am I dreaming?

            But aren't dreams reality too?

            Only you can stop me screaming!

            Do you know what you must do?

2          Will I see you in the after life?

            Or will we both just fade away?

            Hours pass contemplating...

            But still no-one can say

SBr

Br

Ch

Instru

This was very inspired by thrash metal musically - the verses and bridges are kind of mid-paced, plodding, but the choruses were really fast, and the instrumental is also very fast and comes to a bit of a manic climax eventually being longer than the rest of the song; such was my style around '90- '92 before my songs got shorter. I had made great strides learning bass and rhythm guitar by mid 1990 and many of my songs were quite complex, though looking back, rather unwieldy! This came to light when I tried to re-record some of the early '90s songs using my limited drumming options on my old keyboard. Many time changes, slow and fast bits, proved that i need a better drum machine. Or possibly a drummer!

Lyrically... Yeah, I was obsessed with life after death, this is reflected in quite a lot of my lyrics of earlier times. But reading between the lines you can also see my desperation to make a connection with someone, preferably a girlfriend, kindred spirit, soul mate, ie, "Only you can stop me screaming!" Only another like-souled person can come and ease my pain, quiet my troubled brain. Well, within 10 months I had started dating Mandy, and she's done quite a good job over the last 25 years, though my mind is a hard thing to quiet...

 Finally (for now, ha ha...):

New Age

by Rod Maughan (aged 25)

18th June 1997

1          We need you - don't go

            We need you - you're all we know

            The worry - you'll cause us

            The worry - fear of the unknown

2          It's the future that's at stake, don't want you to make

            Any more mistakes - try to learn from them

            The time when you were blind is the past that is behind

            I hope that you will find that your vision is clearer now

Ch       Don't deny it - a brand new age is here

            Don't deny it - there is nothing left to fear

            Don't deny it - a brand new age is here

            Don't deny it - don't deny it

3          I want you - come here

            I want you - I want everyone to hear

            The ignorant - are slow

            The ignorant - they will never know

4          It will be so wonderful - that's what they're saying

            We should start praying that they have got it right

            Because if they have not then things could turn bad

            And it will be so sad - I guess it's up to everyone of us

Ch

Instru

Chx2

Simple lyrics, and a song which musically reflected the mixed up stuff I listened to. I suppose you'd call this alternative metal, written around a main riff that sounds heavily borrowed from something off Metallica's Load album, the verses are sang kind of Megadeth "Sweating Bullets", and it has a Smashing Pumpkins meets Faith No More type of chorus... Strange days... By '97 I was writing much less complex songs, usually finding cool riffs and expanding them into songs. It was the vibe and attitude of the song that was important, rather than the musical complexity.

Not my greatest lyrics of the time, but as I said, trying to include songs based on the date. On the surface I think this is a song that is talking to the general population of humanity - buck your ideas up. But when I look deeper, it may well be about my kids and parenthood and how I want the best possible future for them and that I've got to buck my ideas up and face responsibilities! I was heavily into my psychology degree at the time, about a year left to go, and that was taking up a lot of my time. Yes, the more I look at those lyrics, the more I feel like they're a message to me. Well... how well did(n't) I do, that will be discussed some other time I am sure..!

So, there you go. Might do this again some other time with 3 more of my songs. Lucky you!

Bis Später!

Rod the "Incurably Stupid"..??

Hello! What a dull day, all cloudy and a bit rainy and miserable-like... This could affect my mood negatively I am in no doubt of that. But I am countering it with good music and coffee. But coffee has had enough publicity from me in that last installment so we won't dwell on that! Days like today are a downer, but sometimes I would rather have a day like this than a baking hot Summer day. For one thing it is more comfortable temperature-wise, and also there is less chance that the neighbours next door will have yet another one of their garden parties, potentially going on from early afternoon till 10 or 11pm... Whilst I hate to feel that way, surely they are allowed their fun (?), I cannot help resent it at the same time because of how much of an intrusion their noise feels. Loud bassy music, kids screaming, loud abrasive drunken men's deep voices... I will write about misophonia some more another time, stay tuned. But miso aside, they are too close, too in our faces (in our living room with us, feels like!) Wish things were different. Mostly I catch myself wishing I was a different person - more thick-skinned, less sensitive, less introvert, (ha, less neurotic!)--- but the me I am is all I know who to be...

Which brings me onto this. First destined to be a Facebook post, but I decided not to in the end for fear of negative reactions. It goes like this:

Commenting on a variety of subjects in a variety of places is something I've always enjoyed doing online, since the late '90s. My comments are usually well received, however, you always encounter the occasional person who take it all the wrong way, or is just an obnoxious troll type looking for trouble. One of my favourite places to comment over the past 2 or 3 years has been The Guardian website, people there seem generally on my wavelength. However, after recently giving my considered point of view and then being told I have a moral superiority complex and 'there's no cure for my stupid' I will take a little break from that. I wear my heart on my sleeve and know no other way, not my fault if people read my comments all wrong (but I am of course deeply affected by it) - I may be naive at time and have other issues (don't we all?) but I'd like to think I am not incurably stupid... :/

I am sure, over time - probably 2 or 3 days - the unsettled feeling will pass and all will be well again. It's not the first time this has happened. I can only think that perhaps my comments struck a nerve with the person who replied and he decided it was his place to put me down (read: ego defence mechanism and a half!) Why do people just feel the need to do that? Am I a freak of nature / society because I do not? I might think along those lines sometimes, but I do not openly go and insult strangers - I show respect. Because that is how I'd like to be treat back in return by others.Yes, the old saying - wearing one's heart on one's sleeve will get it bruised easily is extremely true. And I know it could've been a lot worse - being called stupid is nothing compared to what I could've been called. But in a way it's worse than being sworn at. For me it is, any way...

So turns out I've got pride, oh surprise, that can get hurt. I care what others think of me. Particularly about my words, because I am (mostly) very proud of my words, my mastery of language, articulation - it is and always has been like an art form to me. Which is why I get so flippin' irked by spelling mistakes, bad grammar and text speech (oh yeah, and NEEDLESS BLOCK CAPS!!) Exclamation marks are okay though, they're a friend I've used many times to illustrate. Perhaps more than 6 can get a bit jarring though. :) Yeah, it's as I said in my original Guardian comment... we don't have control over a lot of things in the world, in our lives, so those times and things that we are in control of are precious. Reading my words wrong and then calling my stupid because of your own interpretation is hurtful and inconsiderate.

Why am I wasting time writing about this? Perhaps I am attempting to hasten its departure from my mind. My own ego-defence mechanism. Chase it away with more well chosen words. Who is the more incurably stupid? The one who clumbsily brandishes language and words like a club in an attempt to score a cheap blow, or the one who sits and analyses what has happened..? No but stupid is probably the wrong word though, this is not a measure of stupidity vs intelligence - it is about etiquette and manners and consideration.

And for better or worse I have that in spades, like a damn lodestone round the neck.

Tschüß!

Coffee! And stuff I can't bloody eat anymore...

Hello, I'd forgotten all about this. I was reading an article about the top 10 best blog sites, and then thought, hmmm, that would be sort of cool to do again... And then remembered this one I started oh so many years ago (well, 4 or 5 years ago) So rather than start up something new - new username, password, strain on the brain trying to remember, what the heck? Here we are and here we go...

Coffee is something I really love, but which I drink less of nowadays. The inherited dodgy digestive system is mostly to blame, so here I sit with a quite lovely cherry & cinnamon herbal tea, though still with a couple of biscuits. Normal tea, I do not do. I think I was given it too much when I was a kid, and I especially have memories of playing D&D round a certain friend's house whose Mum (bless her) kept us supplied with copious amounts of overly sweet tea - I mean I never really liked it any way, but that really killed it off for me. And being a guest round someone else's home one has to drink it (and inwardly gag!) So coffee, I have had a long, long love affair with, till the IBS and other weird probably digestive-related nonsense began including hot flushes and bloated feelings if I drink it too late in the afternoon. 4:30 pm really is the upper limit, but on some days, it is much much earlier. Gradually, slowly trying to do my best to listen to the signs my body is giving me.

But it's often hard to deny oneself such a lovely, simple treat. Even more difficult are other things such as chocolate and cheese. Often times when the Nothing rules my days and my mind struggles to pop it's frontal lobe up above the dark waters of despair it's the coffee, the chocolate, the cola, the occasional pizza, that provides the little float (those little blue ones they give you at the swimming pool when you're first learning to swim... you know...) So we have the balancing act and the bargaining and the will power (ha ha) Before you all think the worst, I eat healthy stuff too! Partial to a nice salad :) So in a way it's like the body is saying, lessen this stuff, I've changed - getting older, not able to handle it as well any more, but the mind with all it's complexity tries to overrule, still wants the buzz from the taste buds, the caffeine, the endorphin release.

A brain is a terribly complex thing for a person to be put in charge of. Coffee. Nope, herbal tea - enjoy... Even that's flippin' repeating on me a bit. (BTW much more on brains some other time I'm sure!)

The funny digestive system comes down from my Mum's side of the family - as far back as I can remember Mum, and my dear Nan (RIP), complained about all the things they couldn't eat. For me it started in my mid-late teens with cucumbers. As a boy I loved soft cheese spread and cucumber sandwiches! I could not get enough of the things. But some time around maybe 15 or 16 years of age the cucumbers launched their counter attack against me. It was a really good counter attack. :( Sad smiley face indeed...

And from there... in my 20s it was green peppers, in my 30s it was certain types of lettuce and tomatoes and other things followed, not just salad veg either - all sorts of stuff. White bread. Spicy stuff. Much prepacked food. Yeah, that's not great for me any way, but still... I'd like the option. And the latest thing - damn you! Salt & Vinegar flavoured crisps. There is no God. And can no longer eat chocolate after about 4 or 5pm without my insides going all bubbly and weird feeling. Er-huh...

All this is compounded by the recent news my doctor gave me that I may have a hiatus hernia, which sounds a lot worse than it is. It's a pretty common thing where the top of stomach is pinched by the diaphragm. I have had all sorts of tests and scans after complaining of increasing chest pains and discomfort. My initial fears allayed (of course it's not your heart, it's your damn dodgy digestive system again!) but still I feel dismay that this is (more than likely) yet another weight related issue. I'm not going to kid myself or you, whoever you are (hello!) I am very concerned about my health, my life, due to being obese for so many years. And relatively inactive too. I try to walk places still, but I bus more than I used to (largely thanks to Mandy's bus pass and the need to accompany her as her carer, that's some other story...) but I could, and should, try to do more. The pain though. Doctor told me, at age 43 (me not her) that my hips are "starting to go" - the pain in and around my hips, shooting up my back and down my legs.. and the cumbersome immobility I have sometimes is really unpleasant. Can I fix it? This is the brain thing again, for depression is a cruel illness which is fed without one even trying and more often than not I lack the strength to even look at it, let alone start smacking it about with CBT and crap...

We shall see... Coffee - I look forward now till tomorrow morning when I may drink another cup, till then I will struggle on the rest of the day without it.

Yay blog.