Could I..? Should I..? I can't...can I?

The hurt is immense. It was unexpected, like these things usually are with you, the one who can turn on a pin head and gaslight like the best of them. I have had quite enough of having my heart broken for one life time. There's more hurt to come, yes of course, there's always more hurt. But those closest to me are worried for me... and I am a gentle, kind soul who is so easily bruised...

Could I help you? Yes. Of course I could. It would feel right on the surface level. But it's not that simple, is it? In order to do that, I would have to come to terms with what you did, what you wrote - your words like daggers, well aimed for maximum devastation. Do I brush that aside for the sake of helping you out, so soon, and with the slightest of apologies, and no real time to work at things..? Do I..? Is that even in me? How much of myself am I betraying? Have I not been trying to protect myself these past few years? This would be quite brash and risky of me, putting my heart back into the arena of the unpredictable again. When you phoned, it was because you were desperate for a helper, and the apology came as an obvious secondary thing. Like an after thought, I felt. Yes, I miss you. Yes, I miss my grandson, a lot at times. Yes, I wasn't lying - it was good to hear your voice, my sweet daughter, again after a break of months.

Those around me, who love me, warn me that you are an agent of hurt. A toxic person who will turn against people on a whim. Who cannot put herself into other people's shoes, who cannot empathize or properly sympathize, who will always blame anything and anyone else for her own failings. And we were recently the victims of that ourselves, your Mum and I. Despite a life time of helping you, sometimes at very great cost to ourselves. Instead of a thank you, we got a fuck you. Nice.

Should I help you? I was at first convinced that I should, and would. But there would need to be some rules put in place. But after re-reading the letter, which I am not sure you've even got a copy of as it was handwritten in pencil (but I scanned it), it stung me again. Not a nettle sting or an ant bite - this was the sting of one of those jelly fish that is meant to be one of the worst pains imaginable. This was like that. It hurts the soul, it seeps into the marrow and it sits there, like a poison. And, who wants to be poisoned? Who wants to willingly try and live their life with that inside them? I have enough negative crap in my head to deal with, and I've felt that way for such a long time. I have not made much of my life, but I have a kind heart, and I try to be kind to others, and I do not think I deserve to be poisoned.

The letter was written to cause as much hurt as could be mustered.

Can I help..? Will I..? In light of all of that..? I want to recover things with you. But I do not know at this stage if it is possible or not. I do not know if enough time has passed? I suspect it has not had nearly enough time. I love you so very much. But we have said to you many times before - we are not like you, we cannot flick on and off like a light switch. We cannot make these sharp about turns and suddenly brush things away and carry on like nothing has happened. Now I am truly, truly sorry for the things you have had to contend with in your life. So many of them are of your own making, but I know that any acceptance of that doesn't make things easier. There is no magic wand, just time. Only ever time. You try to take too many short cuts, too many looking for the quick and easy way out of things; the path of least resistance. But I fear that I am not that path for you, not this time, not after the words you wrote to me. Not after the hurt, which is still very fresh.

I want things to be fixed between us. It is very much up to you. Phoning after almost 3 months of nothing, after the pain of that letter, and the first thing out of your mouth is that you need us to look after your son for the day... well, that's a bit rich.

I can't help you at this time.

Glass Half Empty Rod

Hi. I only just saw your post from a few days ago, about having one life to live, etc. It was both very moving and true, but also for me, shamed me because I'm not living my best life, and I'm so sorry to say, I've never really known how to, nor cared to be bothered.

I have neglected myself so much over the years... decades. A lot of issues I have with teeth, eyesight, poor health in general, obesity... it's not just life. It's me not looking after myself, and simply just not caring what happens. It's like self harm in super slo-mo.

That's a life time of living with depression and just being lost in life, despite my intelligence and potential. I struggle every day. I love my family, my lovely wife, my cats, they're what keeps me going. Seen several counsellors over the years, psychologist, therapists, tried so many treatments, end up just going round in circles...

And to think there's people far worse off than me, just makes me feel shitty and worse for feeling the way I do. I'm just numb to a lot of things because I'm too sensitive. Having my heart hardened over time by various things... Mum, my daughter, lost friendships, as is what's happened, has been so painful.

But I'm so sick of everything now. My poor body aches, my brain is fuzzy and foggy. Existence. And I feel like just telling to the world to go away. I'm glass half empty Rod, always have been.

The Great Loss in 2019

It really has been a while. Longer than I thought actually. So much isn't here... 

Last year (2019) I lost friends, including one very special one. And for a long time I blamed myself, Whilst yes, I am largely to blame, I am not totally to blame. Hard to accept that. But I had a nervous breakdown - life got too much. My behaviour was erratic, all over the place - I wasn't me.She had other things going on too in her life.

Fate decided despite how right we were as friends, that it would all go wrong.

The end result was, I had my heart not just broken but smashed into tiny pieces. It has taken over a year now to start putting the pieces back together, to start healing - and it is an ongoing process. Some days I can be stronger than others - on the bad days, it feels so wrong, it shouldn't have happened, I just want to go back and change things...

But other friends, my dear dear friends, and of course my wife Mandy, have helped me so much. I am so grateful to have their love, strength and support around me. 

The experience has taught me a powerful lesson about friendship, and not taking anything for granted. It has taught me to be more positive around people, and less needy. More kind to others as well as to myself.

I still wish for the people I lost to be back in my life, but I fear they have made their decision, and made their minds up about me. I am a good person, and I can be a great friend. I was just going through a very bad patch. But I have to accept that they are probably gone forever now.

And it is about moving on. Turning the pain inside into fond memories of a time and of people in my life who I was so lucky to know. Try to turn the negative to a positive, try to enjoy what I have got, and not dwell on what I lost.

I can do it.

Days Like Today

On days like today... everything feels off. My brain feel askew in my skull, my senses feel unwieldy and my body doesn't feel like my own. I feel heavy. Words comes readily but they all sound wrong and cause me to question them. And if my own self feels clunky and alien to me, how can I expect my interactions with others to be smooth and pain free? Everything feels like it's a misunderstanding - the language feels like it is correct, the meaning seems true, but something gets confused along the way... somehow. I say too much. or I don't say enough. Or not of the right things... the emphasis is misplaced, or perhaps thin on the ground.

I just feel so awkward in the world, like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole.

It's all a contradiction. How can I both want to feel a part of something and the need to interact with people, but at the same time, feel the need to be just left alone? What the hell am I supposed to do with that? I know I can be spiky and standoff-ish and push people away, whilst at the same time I can put over a feeling of warmth and welcoming, of friendship and an empathy. So that attracts others. But it is like the lure of an angler fish - enticing, the promise of good things, But then the rotten insides start to reveal themselves to the new prize, slowly ruining it. And yeah, it feels like the reverse Midas touch - everything I touch turns to shit. Not at first - at first I improve it, and I lift people, and they get swept up and carried along by my creative energy... But I'm a one-trick pony. And once the trick has been shown off a few times... that's it. All I know how to do after that if gradually erode away at the thing till it's not what it was.

Some sort of vampire. Some sort of parasite. Some sort of social monster, just a broken human being who doesn't really fit into the world or know how to 'people' properly. Not over the long term at any rate.

What am I supposed to do?

Oh me...

I don'y know why I go to the news sites these days, it's pretty depressing. World events that are worrying, national news that usually means I end up feeling guilty or worthless about living on benefits.Non-news items that are trivial and mean nothing. I like to keep up to date with things, vaguely. I don't feel very much part of the world though. Hard to relate to things, and other people find it hard to relate to me. So I'm the ever-alien square peg trying to fit into the round hole of the world. Facebook is not a good thing either. Un-liking and un-following so much these days, it's getting to be not a lot left on me for there. And when I open my mouth, or rather let my fingers do the talking, 9 times out of 10 it feels like I'm either in full grumpy old man, moaning mode, or being something of an arsehole. Some of my stuff borders on troll-like, albeit more intelligent - I have the intelligence to fight my corner and win, either outright or by forcing a stalemate. What the f--- is wrong with me? I don't really live in the world though, so it's no wonder I can't 'people' properly - little intolerant streaks I had in me are now starting to grossly exaggerate and that's ugly. I've got to try and fix myself somehow. Yep, we all know how good I am at doing that... 

Odds & Ends vol 1

I have a folder on a USB stick named odds & ends - it is full of all sorts of things that don't fit anywhere else. Among them are short musings, thoughts, etc, sometimes these are facebook / other website comments or posts that never actually were. Here is a selection of them now:

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6^th Sept 2012

On a day like today nothing is right and all is wrong. I was okay, but now I am not - my beloved wife is so down and depressed, and so I am too. She sleeps the whole day through, and doesn’t eat... I just do nothing but mess about on my computer, taking absolutely no joy from it whatsoever. The Sun is shining outside; it is a warm late Summer day and I intended to go for a walk, in fact part of me ached to do that... but another part of me, the part where the blackness resides, stopped me from doing it... as though to punish myself..? Why? I just hope Mandy feels better soon. She is such a lovely person and I love her so much, it pains me immensely to hear her talk of herself in such a negative way as she did earlier on. I don’t know how much more of this ‘nothing’ life I can take, I really don’t. I might as well be dead.

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December 2017

We all have different learning styles - the way we take in and process information and commit it to memory (or not!) Primarily there are three - listening, seeing and tactile / hands-on experience. Many people have a preference, but we tend to use a bit of everything in varying amounts. With me I have always found that i do not really get on with just being 'told' things by others - I like to find things out for myself. Reading and researching and then doing it myself (where applicable!), rather than watching a TV show or video, or just listening to someone else telling me. That way it sticks in my memory better.

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27th Feb 2015

You are lucky you had these 'wonderful' shows. In the '70s there were just 3 channels and for large chunks of the day all we had was the Testcard which scared the living daylights out of young me, waiting for Playschool or whatever to come on... An extremely creepy little girl sporting a serene Mona Lisa-esque smile (perhaps she's just murdered her family with scissors but is cool with that) playing noughts & crosses with a sinister paraplegic clown who probably only she can hear. Sheesh! Nightmares for bloody years. Didn't help of course that my Mum, who should have reassured me, settled me, also used to freak out at it!!! And then, when I was a bit older but still young enough to be disturbed, the TV used to go off for the night around midnight - sometimes earlier - with the national anthem, etc, that used to freak me out too. It was just so 'final'! So yay the '80s morning & daytime TV and later through the night too! :)

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19th Amy 2013

Abram Trek

Spent the last 45 mins reading reviews, both good and bad, of the new Trek film. I am really pleased I decided not to see it at the cinema as I was very disappointed in the first re-boot and this one seems like it's even worse. One review labelled JJ Abrams' Star Trek series: 'Dumb Trek'. From what I read on IMDB I now do not even want to rent this latest film, I do not want the thing in my house, or even want to know anything else about it. Abrams appears to be sticking his finger up to everything that has come before in favour of making just another action film with cliched comic relief one liners, loads of fighting and explosions, and characters no more complex than those in a Tom & Jerry cartoon. 'Wrath of Khan' is the best Trek film, anyone would tell you that (apart from all the newbs who converted after the 2009 horror) - this supposedly does that film a great disservice (let's just put it that way!) Heaven knows what he's going to do with Star Wars... How about a re-boot of reality without Mr Abrams..?

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1st August 2014

Well, yet another gathering next door, seems another kid's party taking place later. Don't even think it's one of theirs this time. Which inevitably also means an adult party going on well into the evening, with the ever present possibility of loud thumping bassy music, and me having to isolate myself aurally. My windows are now shut, despite the warm weather. Why do they have so many mass gatherings in their garden..? Why have they got to have so many friends and family round all the time? Why do they have so many BBQs all the time? Why do they have to get so damn loud at these things? Why do the kids have to scream like that, and why must the adults laugh so loud and annoyingly, the men's voices so deep..? Why..? Just because, I suppose... More importantly, why does it bother me so much, and why can't I just cope with it..?

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13th April 2014

Anti-Depressant Society

Yes, a 1000 times yes, that is just what is happening. Because we live in such an unequal world - we are told one thing, growing up (how great life can be) and then when we get there we find it is hard. Except for those privileged few it seems. Grass seems ever greener on the other side, till we get there, then it's just as brown... We're all chasing rainbows, life cannot possibly live up to it's own hype. Some of us (me included) cannot keep up with the pace of this world, so mental health issues arise...Anti-depressants are not a solution - fundamental equality, support for those less able and life chances need to be addressed... but they won't be any time soon, so the clock is ticking down. Let's hope we come out the other side of it as a race more or less intact and can finally evolve onward from there...

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Diary keeping and the situation

20^th October 2017

I have always been a big believer of writing things down. It preserves a nice record of stuff for yourself, and others, and also helps to sort out your thoughts. But I am struggling with my diary this year. I kept one when I was younger, between 1985-1992, then it was very patchy till around late '90s / early 2000s - but I wrote a lot of letters to pen-pals over the years, and especially since the late '90s, I have kept them saved digitally. So they are a bit like a diary. The letter writing has mostly dried up now, aside from the odd one a couple of times a year (I blame Facebook!) But in 2012 I started writing a diary again and kept it up regularly till end of last year / early this year. I've been terrible at it since about Spring time. I want to write stuff down, but I am overwhelmed by an extremely difficult family situation that has been ongoing for about 18 months now, and it has got harder and harder to think about it. It is a situation that I have no control over and the person who has the power to change it will constantly complain about it but takes no, or very little action. Seemingly oblivious of the effect it is having on the rest of the family. I cannot walk away from it, and it feels like an ever-lasting Limbo with no end in sight. It exhausts me telling others about it in detail, just thinking about it too, and I find the last thing I want to do is write it all down. It dominates my thoughts when I try to write a diary entry, overloads me. On days when I have to directly deal with it, ie, see or speak on the phone with the people involved, I am left emotionally and mentally drained. So I only make an occasional diary entry these days, and normally just about run of the mill, everyday stuff, TV shows I watched, etc, as I can't seem to sort my thoughts out properly. It's not like that's the only thing going on, maybe if it was, I could deal with it better. OK - I've written all of that without reading the article, merely reacting to the headline. Oh dear. I have now read the article and it's not actually about diary keeping at all, is it? Not that type of diary any way. What you're on about is a planner diary. That's difficult to do, well to stick with any way

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3rd June 2013

I’m so down and depressed at the moment. Days, weeks, months are passing by so fast, and I feel that I am filling them with a big fat nothing. My life is just passing me by. I feel something inside of me, like a sticky tar in my soul, pulling me down – I have urges to be creative, to be more active, to lose weight, to do different things, and ultimately try and find a job... but the tar in my soul is winning the struggle. My mind feels like it is swamped in the stuff, and I cannot think straight.

My mood is so low that I am even beginning to think ‘what is the point of me even being here?’ I feel like I am not really needed by the world and everywhere I turn people appear to be well adjusted and getting on with their lives. I know this isn’t really so.  I’m 41 now for goodness sake and though I have a degree and some other qualifications, I have been mostly unemployed for the past 21-22 years, having only worked a little bit. The last time I worked was in 1998. I feel that I have so much to give, but something within me is always holding me back.

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18th December 2014

I'm overweight, and have been for the past 20-odd years - I suppose I'm classed as obese though I hate the term - as I have gotten older the effects of this extra weight on my frame have become more and more uncomfortable and it's getting a bit debilitating now. It is very much a by-product of self neglect due to years of suffering from depression (using food as a crutch - a pick-me-up or even as a punishment) and being told there is no more support available for me yet not having the will or motivation, what with constant environmental and social pressures in my life, to really be able to lift myself out of it. I have tried, but can only get so far and then I seem to hit a wall. It has become a self perpetuating downward cycle.

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9th October 2014

My experience of CBT: When I had it in 2007 I had one-on-one sessions over a three month period, it was quite useful and helped me with anxiety issues I had at the time. I really appreciated the one-on-one approach. When I went back to my GP after my depression had worsened a few months ago I was informed I now had to self-refer. So I did so and waited some weeks for a response, then a few more weeks for an appointment. Eventually I saw someone who informed me that the one-on-one support no longer exists in this area and he seemed surprised I had it back in 2007. The only thing he offered me was a CBT Skills group / course, or computer CBT which I would do on my own from home. I opted for the group, and it was 5 weeks of the most excruciatingly boring glacial-paced, patronizing rubbish, half of each session caught up on what we covered last week, and there was a lengthy 'break' (mainly for smokers) in the middle of the two hours each time. Most of the techniques were things I was already aware of and couldn't get on with, which is why I went back to my GP in the first place. A couple of weeks after the course ended I received a telephone consultation from the doctor I had the initial referral appointment with, and he said 'according to the scores on the questionnaires you did throughout the course (extremely flawed method of collecting data!), you have got a lot better, so the course is a success - keep doing it and you'll be okay' and I was then discharged from their care... I am not okay, and not impressed, it was all so impersonal, and it has put me asking for further help and just made me feel like no one really cares...

My Old Twisted Mum

Note from me: There are some very negative and complicated feelings in this post, which I felt at that time. It is now 5 years later, and things have changed. Mum is in a better place, and the burden has been lifted from us significantly. the situation is still complex, but the bitter feelings I felt back then have lessened considerably. It must be borne in mind, that is how I felt then, and not now. 

Rod, March 2023

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It's your birthday tomorrow Mum, you're going to be 69. You're now only about 3½ years away from the age your own Mum, dear Nan, was when she passed away. Following the struggle of what to get you for Christmas, only a couple of weeks ago, we have really struggled to come up with birthday gifts for you. At one time, not so many years ago, you were easy to buy for - heck, you'd give us loads of ideas, and even a list to pick things from. You were still listening to music, watching TV shows and DVDs, and reading books. You were still going out and trying to enjoy life.

But now I feel like the best gift would be a T-Shirt with "I'm really ill, I've given up, and that's all I want to talk about (when I'm not being a bitch)" emblazoned on it. You have become so, so old Mum. You have done it to yourself - let it happen. Your illness is of your own making, and also of your own choosing is the way you still seek to control everything and everyone in some attempt to force us all into your truly messed-up little hell-world. The worst thing of all is that, so powerful are you and your influence, that you are succeeding in making those closest to you miserable. Constantly worried, sleepless, fearing what we will hear you have done next. Attacked Dad again, made him bleed some more..? Used the back garden as a toilet? Screamed obscenities as loud as you can into the street..?

And you're supported by a man who will do anything, even lie through his teeth for you because he knows no other life. What was once admirable, life-long devotion on his behalf is now absurd and foolishness. It is hard to feel sympathy for either of you. This is the life you've led, this is the end result of that life. Well done!

Your Jekyll and Hyde act is good enough to make us feel completely like liars when we meet with the doctors, the psychologists, the community care workers, when you're all smiles and positive with them and they say - yes, just a bit of depression and anxiety, when we all know it's much more than that. We are all so angry and frustrated, but at the same time, feel desperately hopeless... powerless - you hold us in this terrible air-less limbo, you evil woman, you know exactly what you're doing, don't you? It is not dementia, you've been tested. This is a ramping up of how you've been all your life.

I have never felt so utterly hopeless and depressed as I have done these past couple of years... because I have some of the crap you have, inside of me, in my head. It is horrible. I would rather die than turn into what you have become. I struggled with depression much of my life, and I cannot cope with you or the thought of becoming you. I do not have any strength in me these days. I feel like a spent force. It is all I can do to make it through each day. Christmas was a tremendous effort and worry, and I had so many sleepless or disturbed nights worrying, having nightmares, about what you were going to be like during the 'festive' season.

But you do not know me. You have never tried to know me. Neither has Dad. You only know the me you want to know. I must be such a disappointment.

It is hard to feel anything for you anymore, but that pretense must be maintained... for just a bit longer. Keep on smoking the way you are, and who knows..? Careful what you wish for Mum - you're not going to like 'real' illness...

So... we got you old lady presents, and an old lady card for your birthday. You are not fun anymore - you are a black hole - you are misery and oppressive to be around. It did not have to be this way. it is an awful, awful game you are playing with us all. And I wish I had never been born, so your shit hadn't passed to me or my kids, and my sweet wife hadn't had such a broken human being as her husband.