Hello. This is what I live for - the little things in life. We have no money for anything more than that. Work and more money seems like something that happens to other people on another planet. Holidays - ha... Things people take for granted. These are more than I can stand to dream of. "Have you had your holiday yet..?" F*** off! Sorry, but f*** off... In this life of mine I take enjoyment from within my means. Music. TV / Films. Games. My cats. A little social media interaction... etc. Of course, my darling wife. My grown up kids. I am rich enough, surely? As rich as I can be. Making the most of what little we have got. I honestly think I would have the same mental and emotional problems if I had money. All the money would allow me to do would be to hide from them / bury them deeper - distract me better. Life is inherently unfair. We must do our best - or as much as we are able to do. This doesn't stop envy - of course, it is natural to be jealous of those who have more and especially those who take it for granted. It is also natural to be frustrated and angry at those in power who clearly have no clue what life is like for those they rule over. Decisions made on high, looking good, making sense on paper, in theory... putting these into practice will hurt people. May kill people. How many is justifiable to still make their ideas seem like good ones to them? Do they even care..? Yes, but not in the way they should care. they have no clue. I rage. I quietly rage; I simmer like an eternal bubbling pan of water which is hot enough to simmer gently but doesn't have the heat energy to boil properly. If I did... well, I might feel a bit better, but I know it still wouldn't get me anywhere... so what the hell is the point of that then?
Steering my life is like sailing with no sail. The wind blows all around me. The waves lap up onto me. The sunlight pours down over me, warming me, but not heating me. I take solace in the stillness of the Winter. The bitter cold, combined with suitably dark but beautiful music, can warm my soul greater than a hot August afternoon - why is this? How do I find comfort in darkness, stillness and the cold? Because everyone else despises it? Must be more than that - perhaps it's that in this false world it is more real. No shiny veneer, no sickening pretense and gloss. There is probably a lot of truth in that explanation.
With nothing to look forward to but the small enjoyments, they become ever so important. Just some thoughts.
Thursday, 29 October 2015
Tuesday, 13 October 2015
Missing my voluntary work
I really miss my voluntary work at the MS Centre. It's really starting to hit home now after a few months away from it. It just ended so abruptly and was such an ugly ending, belying (betraying?) all the fantastic work, help and achievements of over seven years there... Such a shame... :-(
I am still very angry with the manager and with myself, but I should not be angry with myself. I should forgive myself. I chose the course of action, chose to take the stand I took which was instrumental in my departure, with a clear head and because I believed it was the right thing to do.
The manager was at fault. I was doing everything right and to the best of my capabilities. How dare he suspend me? How dare he force me out from doing something I loved and had invested so much of myself in? He is a Grade A arsehole that much is clear. Not just because of how he treated me but many others too whom he forced out. He is a tyrant and a megalomaniac. And how he treats the clients who use the place is disgraceful too.
The writing was on the wall for quite some time with me... For at least 2 years in fact had I entertained thoughts that I may not do it for much longer. So there was, I have to remember, that to consider when I look back in sadness when really missing the place... If the current manager left, I would go back. Or would I? Maybe that chapter of my life should just be allowed to close now. Particularly as they hired someone to fill the role I used to have! Many times I asked for a paid job there, every time I was turned down.
I am very bitter about that. I would like to just scream and punch... So when all is said and done... Yeah, I did good whilst there, I helped those in need and made a positive difference in their lives, and I should feel happy and proud of that. I need to forgive myself over feeling angry about quitting. I am a good person capable of doing very nice things. :-)
I am still very angry with the manager and with myself, but I should not be angry with myself. I should forgive myself. I chose the course of action, chose to take the stand I took which was instrumental in my departure, with a clear head and because I believed it was the right thing to do.
The manager was at fault. I was doing everything right and to the best of my capabilities. How dare he suspend me? How dare he force me out from doing something I loved and had invested so much of myself in? He is a Grade A arsehole that much is clear. Not just because of how he treated me but many others too whom he forced out. He is a tyrant and a megalomaniac. And how he treats the clients who use the place is disgraceful too.
The writing was on the wall for quite some time with me... For at least 2 years in fact had I entertained thoughts that I may not do it for much longer. So there was, I have to remember, that to consider when I look back in sadness when really missing the place... If the current manager left, I would go back. Or would I? Maybe that chapter of my life should just be allowed to close now. Particularly as they hired someone to fill the role I used to have! Many times I asked for a paid job there, every time I was turned down.
I am very bitter about that. I would like to just scream and punch... So when all is said and done... Yeah, I did good whilst there, I helped those in need and made a positive difference in their lives, and I should feel happy and proud of that. I need to forgive myself over feeling angry about quitting. I am a good person capable of doing very nice things. :-)
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